Just Make It Stop

How many more deep breaths, an effort will it take before i can’t suppress how I feel inside any longer

If someone came to me, an said, here’s a tablet that will end it all, you’ll fall asleep an never wake up… I’d take it, now, does that mean I’m suicidal, no, but I have the thoughts, its the easy way out that’s appealing to me, I just want to escape from life, my life, even just for a while

I hate feeling this way, feeling like my mind is tearing itself apart, this whole medicated, reckless, emotional, fear filled, impulsive life, an how lately I’m filled with frustration an anger, its those head in your hands, screaming for relief moments, almost begging for silence inside

I always seem to be in a bad mood, over silly things that can be laughed at

Things trigger me off easily lately, like today, how my step dad had heated up home made soup that he made, a simple shout upstairs, ‘this soup is warm, if you want any’ etc is all that he’d have to say, but when I went down to make a cup of tea, an saw my mum an step dad eating together, without me, I got annoyed, I admit it, probably because that’s when he decided to mention it to me, then there was the slurping noises, an the spoons tapping off the bowls

There’s only the three of us living here now, it may seem pretty petty, but to me, its selfish, an another example of how, when I’m not around, I don’t seem to exist for people, like now they are away out, I hardly ever get asked would I like to go too, instead I’m home alone, again, wondering why I bother making an effort with these people

I’m not getting into a whole discussion about it, an maybe I’m trying to justify my pettiness, but you’d have to live here to understand it, perhaps I feel excluded, forgotten, I’m only wanted when I’m needed… let’s just leave it at, its not the first time, just one of many

I might like to be own my own, but people know I hate being left alone, because when I’m alone, is when the voices an the illness take over, sometimes I have no control anymore, an it scares me, my emotional state will control me, you’d almost think I had split personalities

Its now time, time to give myself a shake, an go to my doctors, I can’t go on this way anymore, as much as I hate having to go back to them, I have to swallow my pride an get it done

Even though its like an alcoholic, going to AA, then going home an getting drunk, you’re no further forward than you were before

On a lighter note: I just found out, that this is my blogs most popular month, since I started it, almost a year an I half ago, I’m proud of that, although, everyone loves a train wreck don’t they

Fear Is Robbing Me Of A Life

I’ve realised now that, you can cut as many people from your life as you want, but the people left will usually make up for what the others take away ~

There was a big fight today at my aunts, between my brothers, an then my mum got dragged into it, it started over money, but once mum got dragged into it, it began a whole new fight over nothing, with my older brother saying some pretty nasty things

so mum, my younger brother an I left, my mum broke down in the street, I’m not very good with others emotions, but I was there for a hug an reassurance

I’m glad we left, I don’t want to be around that kind of atmosphere, but it will resolve itself, like it always does, i think we spend too much time around each other, its like a powder keg waiting to go off, we need time apart, an then come back together again, just less often

I’ve limited my close circle of people so much now, that my family are pretty much all I have, I’ve moved around so much in my life, that I’ve never built really strong friendships, the few I have left, are not people I would call close, even though I trust them, an they love me, there’s just not that connection I’d like there to be

I need to start carving out a life of my own, but lately I admit, I’ve become a little lazy towards life, I have all these plans, but not the energy or will to go through with them, I miss the old me, the me before medication, I was more out going, more adventurous, an I stuck to what I set out for, now I’m like a zombie who gets tired too easily

I think that’s where my anger truly comes from, frustration because of my social phobia an paranoia, it limits my life, an I get angry with myself because I’m so scared, an the more I feed the fear, the harder life has become, I’m not afraid to admit that I hold so much fear inside

I’m not all me, me, me…. But perhaps I need to be, I need one hell of an overhaul, my fear has become, one day I’ll look in the mirror, an there will be an old man looking back at me, wondering where his life went, an sadly dying unfulfilled, because fear robbed me of a life

Cutting Loose The Dead Weight

Today has been a strange kind of day, in that I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching

It came to the point, where enough is enough, an I realised, we only settle for what we think we deserve, but we should never settle for second best

I’ve been biting my lip an tongue, for far too long! being used, an ignored, an only ‘needed when I’m needed’ An so I caved, I’ve now cut those people from my life, or ‘dead weight’ as I will now call them, I can now breathe a big sigh of relief

I was living with the belief that, its not the worst thing being treated that way, as long as I’m not alone, so I settled, I do it all the time, an I’m guilty of over looking the people who were already in my life before them

I’m not going to settle so quick in the future, I’ll think more carefully before I allow new people into my life

A Failure Means You Tried

The days are passing by, an I’m still doing good, or should I say better 。。。

I’ve had rocky moments, but I’ve gotten through them, instead of letting things overwhelm me too much

Though I’m not going to lie, it hasn’t been easy, getting my anger under control is a daily struggle, but I can’t help it when things trigger me, like when certain people, who I thought I was building a relationship with begin to ignore me, an I have to make all the effort, or people go out, an don’t even think to invite me along

Its like what I’ve said before, if I’m not around, its like I don’t exist, but its not me, I know that, its them an how selfish they are

I guess at times I like to be by myself, but I hate to feel alone, there is so much loneliness that comes with mental illness in itself, mainly on the inside, its only made worse when its physical too

Its mainly the emotion involved, the disappointment, which I guess turns to anger, but I shouldn’t blame myself for that, I’m only human after all, an I have a heart, but I’m done running after people, take me as I am, or lose me forever, its that black an white for me lately, I won’t risk being hurt

Though just because i find life hard at times, I still try to go on living regardless, I won’t give up on the things I want, sometimes it can be a distraction, other times its only more fuel to the fire

With anything in life, a failure means you tried, but any happiness depends on a bit of risk at times right??

Also over the last couple of days, I’ve started seeing things again, an being convinced that when I’m home alone, that there is someone outside watching me, an waiting for a moment to break in an hurt me, I guess its the paranoia

I am on seroquel, an though I now have a new script, I haven’t taken any for about a week, I was prescribed them mainly for how I was before, for my moods swings, but also that i used to believe that I saw ghosts, an might even have evil inside me, maybe even possessed by something, it was a scary time, an perhaps I’m losing my grip on reality slightly

I’m unsure whether or not to take them again, at first without them, life seemed too real, an it was a little scary, but a few days later, an now I don’t miss them at all, I can think more clearly, an things make more sense, rationally

Things are still hard in different ways, still feeling how I am, an being in better control, it now feels like I’m talking about someone else, its happening to me, yet it feels like a dream about someone else

One day at a time 。。。

Stable But Fragile

Finally, whatever this is that I’ve been going through, I’d guess it was a bad period of depression 。。。Is finally passing, an i’m finally back in control, its still lingering, but I’m strong enough to cope again

Depression is such a dark an lonely place, where you feel so helpless an alone, its like being trapped, an only having your loneliness an fears for company, you can’t see any way out, an after a while you do begin to give up trying, because it takes so much of yourself from you, your very self

I don’t like being that person, in that place, consumed with the fear, an all that anger an emotion, it eats you up inside an leaves you hollow, even toward your closest loved ones

I’m feeling much better, even though I’ve ran out of seroquel, I haven’t had any for a couple of days now, which has made me feel a little funny inside, things have become a little more vivid, which makes me wonder what kind of a zombie I was, but no longer noticed, also things feel more real, if that makes sense, an its a little scary, like a bubble around me has burst

I’m more stable, but still feel fragile, but I’m glad that hopefully living in that hell has passed, even if it is just for a while

You don’t know unless you’ve been there, how much more the world seems like a beautiful place, when you’ve been to your own personal hell an back

Only people, who struggle like we do, will truly understand what its like, the mind holds a lot of control over us, we can only try our best to stay strong, but anyone can tell you that, anyone can tell you what to do, an how to handle things, an how to live your life, but turning those words into actions is easier said than done

I’m taking one day at a time, because we all know how fast things can change, but I’m happy to be free from that whirlwind of a nightmare

Blank

Blank 。。。That’s how I feel

I’m sitting here on my bed, an I’m going through a range of emotions, an then hitting a blank, its like taking the same ghost train over an over again

I thought I was finally coming around today, I was in a better mood, but its like I keep crashing out all the time, an then I’ll become frustrated, an feel like I’ve been caged by the walls around me

I feel like I’m falling apart, I can’t cope for much longer, I’m pushing people away, when I really should be letting people in, but now isn’t the time

My younger brother, went away today, no surprise he got drunk, ripped off his ankle tag, an then took off, the police are now looking for him, he’ll be arrested an sent to prison, but it was his choice, he chose alcohol again, he would rather go to prison, than give up that lifestyle

Now the last thing we need, is me talking about what I’m going through, but now that I’m having longer periods of better moods, an I’m slightly more in control, I might finally be on track again soon, hopefully this is just a minor setback

Going Off The Deep End

Day 。。。Whatever day it is 。。。Of this, I don’t know, mini freak out/breakdown

I’m reaching the end of my rope, I really am, I was so close to phoning life line 。。。Then I thought, why? 。。。anyone in the mental health team only makes me even more frustrated when dealing with them, they can talk, yeah, perhaps sign you in somewhere for help, but I’m always deemed mentally stable enough when I’ve been reviewed, an then let go

What also annoys me is, they have my aunts phone number, as a back up, so they always phone her, an I’d rather ‘go quietly’ if I had to, than others being brought into the loop of, well loopy!

So short of actually killing myself, or trying to, I know I’m on my own, though i haven’t reached out to anyone for quite a while, I’m afraid of becoming the, ‘oh its him again’ boy, I’d rather them want to help me, than feel obligated to

I tried to go out today, just to the shop, just to get out, I’m dying being inside, the four walls of my room feel like a prison, a place where the voices, fear, frustration, anger, paranoia an thoughts of self harm can fester away inside me

It was one of the most uncomfortable days ever, I was scared, an anxious, I felt trapped an alone, the voices only strengthened my fear, by feeding me unhelpful thoughts, an I had no where to hide, I had to ride it out in panic until I got back home again

I don’t like being alone, but at the same time, I can’t stand to be around anyone right now, everything they say, an everything they do irritates me, so maybe its better, for now, that i’m feeling how I am, I stay to myself, stay in control , where no one can see, an nothing can trigger me any further into this strange spiral

I wish I could just cry, you might ask, why would you want to cry, well for me, its like a release of everything that builds up inside, but unless I open myself up an allow everything to flow free, I can’t, an its a dangerous place to let the mind go to

I’d love to know what’s happening to me, its like my mind has become stronger than me, an I can’t control what’s happening, I’ve tried, I’m doing what I feel is best, but for how much longer can I keep it up

I have a personal trainer booked for next week, a little more exercise might help me feel a lot better 。。。Or so I’m told, we’ll see 。。。