I’m Only Human

Its a new year 。。。an i do have big hopes for this year, exactly what I posted before, but like you, I am human

Already I haven’t been taking my medication properly, an I’ve been having bad withdrawal symptoms, I’ve started taking them again today, I couldn’t handle it anymore, but with just taking the seroquel before that, I’ve been like a zombie, sleeping in until maybe half two, maybe longer in the day

On top of that, I can’t stop eating, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m always hungry, an I can’t get full sometimes, I was also meant to be quitting smoking, an I’ve already sneaked out an bought cigarettes, which I’m smoking in secret, I know I’m old enough to do what I want, but I’ve quit with a couple of other people, so I’ve failed already, I will though… I hope

I’ve picked up those bad habits from last year, I just need more will power, an a bit more self control, I hope I can be the leopard who changes his spots

Though, those things are minor in the bigger picture, its my fractured mind that scares me the most, an will be the biggest challenge to overcome, or at least get to grips with

Inside I feel like I’ve put so much pressure on myself, all I can hear is, ‘change, change, change’ 。。。’you’ll never change’ 。。。’You’re losing time’ 。。。’You’re a failure, an you’ll fail again, like you always do’ 。。。its starting to show through my nightmares every night lately

Today just walking to the shop, ‘the voices’ wouldn’t leave me alone, ‘Everyone’s looking at you’ 。。。In my mind I was running, but on the outside I was putting on the ‘I’m normal’ act, I couldn’t wait to just get in an lock the door

I think the lack of medication was to blame, the tablet that helps to control my social phobia, its called ‘duloxetine 。。。Its ok but withdrawal is horrible, its like electric currents being passed through my body, although its not the best medication, its the one tablet from my past, that I’ve noticed works a little, sadly you can only take 60mg of it, when you first start taking it, it can mimic mania, maybe that’s why I liked it

We can’t expect to change over night, I guess when I looked at myself, in a world where I want change, its not as easy as I thought it would be, mental Illness limits our life, but I’m not going to let it control mine

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