Blurred Reality

Can a person live in two worlds at the same time 。。。The you they all see, an the you with the fire that burns you up inside, the thing that eats away at you, until you lose who you are

Lately fantasy an reality have become a little blurred for me, things I think in my head, become as though I’ve already said them out loud, so I forget if I’m repeating myself, or if I said anything at all

Dreams have started to become like memories, so I forget sometimes if what I dreamt really happened, or things that happened were only just a dream

I’m beginning to hear things that aren’t there, little things, like some ones phone ringing, when it hasn’t, or someone calling my name, when no one has spoken, so now sometimes I get confused if I really heard what I thought I did

I think I’m having deep emotional problems also, I don’t want to be left alone, I’m hurt when others go out an don’t ask me if I’d like to come, I give an I give, but I get nothing back, I’m not an attention seeker, but a little acknowledgement would be nice

It makes me jealous, which then makes me angry, an anger with many voices screaming an roaring in rage inside my head, a chaotic uncontrollable fury which is dangerous, sometimes its like i can even feel myself crying internally, i guess I feel excluded, an left out, like if I’m not around, then its like I don’t exist

I even got a little upset the other day when my brothers dog didn’t really come near me, after not seeing me for a few days, like she’d forgotten me, which is pathetic

I try to talk, but i’m constantly being interrupted an talked over, people tell me things that happened, that I was present for, but they forget that I was there at all, it leads me into feeling resentment, an coming up with crazy ideas an plans, an ways in which to replace what I’m missing from other people

This is what happens when I let my guard down, I was emotionally strong, even slightly cold, sometimes I even switched my emotions on an off if it suited the situation, now I’m falling apart at any sign of rejection, almost psychotic

I think an appointment with my mental health team would be a good idea, I feel a little fragile an defenceless, an I’m slightly losing my grip on reality

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2 responses to “Blurred Reality

  1. don’t feel alone. i went into the holidays saying i was going to have my guard up and make it through with no wounds. unfortunately, i found myself crying more times than i would like to admit. but i refuse to let others turn me into a cold uncaring person. so i will just continue to tend the every inflicted wounds and try to love myself even when no one else does. best wishes sent your way!

    • Thank you…

      I have a lot to be thankful for, which when looking back at some of my posts, makes me feel selfish, but then something will happen again, an I know I was justified in what I’ve written

      We put a lot of pressure on ourselves, an its not a bad thing to admit we failed, we all do sometimes

      Only people, who struggle like we do, will truly understand what its like, the mind holds a lot of control over us, we can only try our best to stay strong, but anyone can tell you that, anyone can tell you what to do, an how to handle things, an how to live your life, but turning those words into actions is easier said than done

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