Just Crazy Old Me, As Usual

I’m feeling so frustrated, my head feels like its going to explode!

This stupid cold, its so annoying, I’m drained, I can’t stop coughing, I’m angry, an everything else is making me feel like crap, which makes me think about everything else, or am I being forced to by my messed up mind, I don’t know anymore

Every sound is louder, an every sound is irritating me, I feel like hurting myself, or just banging my head of the wall, messed up huh, but its how I feel, my mind is out of control, an I’m finding it hard to keep a grip right now

You know, this whole, being nicer thing, swallowing things I’ve really wanted to say, an also being there for an EX, making sweet talk an giving advice, I’m helping someone who betrayed me, who lied to me, an who I know for a fact wouldn’t do the same if the rolls were reversed

But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me feel good, telling her all the bad things her now ex has said, its like rubbing salt in the wound, its revenge, which is cruel, yes, but sometimes people have to feel how you once did, or they never learn from their mistakes

An now I’m also forcing myself to like someone new, who says things an acts in ways I don’t agree with, for what, to be used again, what am I getting out of it, why am I wasting my time, am I that desperate for attention, sinking that low for anyone lately who shows me interest

I’m done with it now, an I’ve cut all contact with everyone down to a minimum for a while, its taking its toll on me, an I’m already not well as it is

What is wrong with me, I’m falling apart, slowly crumbling everyday, this life I’m living, the people around me, I’m suffocating, its like the walls are closing in on me, I actually feel like tearing my hair out

Why can’t I handle the pressure of the slightest thing lately, everything seems harder to cope with

An everyone is using me, I’m always the one they come to when they need anything, but when there’s something better on offer, I’m nowhere to be seen, because I’m forgot about, I’m taken for granted, an I’ve had enough! I wish I could escape them, just get away from them, an I will, after all, I’m 26, an I can do what I like, when I like, anything legal, an no one can stand in my way, not anymore

I try to relax like I’ve been told by the mental health team 。。。I’m drifting on a river, drifting, quiet, calm, relaxed 。。。

Screw the river! Forget being calm, unless I’m mad enough that the river can talk an give advice, then its a waste of my time isn’t it

Deep breath 。。。I’ll take my ‘pills’


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