Going Off The Deep End

Day 。。。Whatever day it is 。。。Of this, I don’t know, mini freak out/breakdown

I’m reaching the end of my rope, I really am, I was so close to phoning life line 。。。Then I thought, why? 。。。anyone in the mental health team only makes me even more frustrated when dealing with them, they can talk, yeah, perhaps sign you in somewhere for help, but I’m always deemed mentally stable enough when I’ve been reviewed, an then let go

What also annoys me is, they have my aunts phone number, as a back up, so they always phone her, an I’d rather ‘go quietly’ if I had to, than others being brought into the loop of, well loopy!

So short of actually killing myself, or trying to, I know I’m on my own, though i haven’t reached out to anyone for quite a while, I’m afraid of becoming the, ‘oh its him again’ boy, I’d rather them want to help me, than feel obligated to

I tried to go out today, just to the shop, just to get out, I’m dying being inside, the four walls of my room feel like a prison, a place where the voices, fear, frustration, anger, paranoia an thoughts of self harm can fester away inside me

It was one of the most uncomfortable days ever, I was scared, an anxious, I felt trapped an alone, the voices only strengthened my fear, by feeding me unhelpful thoughts, an I had no where to hide, I had to ride it out in panic until I got back home again

I don’t like being alone, but at the same time, I can’t stand to be around anyone right now, everything they say, an everything they do irritates me, so maybe its better, for now, that i’m feeling how I am, I stay to myself, stay in control , where no one can see, an nothing can trigger me any further into this strange spiral

I wish I could just cry, you might ask, why would you want to cry, well for me, its like a release of everything that builds up inside, but unless I open myself up an allow everything to flow free, I can’t, an its a dangerous place to let the mind go to

I’d love to know what’s happening to me, its like my mind has become stronger than me, an I can’t control what’s happening, I’ve tried, I’m doing what I feel is best, but for how much longer can I keep it up

I have a personal trainer booked for next week, a little more exercise might help me feel a lot better 。。。Or so I’m told, we’ll see 。。。


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