A Failure Means You Tried

The days are passing by, an I’m still doing good, or should I say better 。。。

I’ve had rocky moments, but I’ve gotten through them, instead of letting things overwhelm me too much

Though I’m not going to lie, it hasn’t been easy, getting my anger under control is a daily struggle, but I can’t help it when things trigger me, like when certain people, who I thought I was building a relationship with begin to ignore me, an I have to make all the effort, or people go out, an don’t even think to invite me along

Its like what I’ve said before, if I’m not around, its like I don’t exist, but its not me, I know that, its them an how selfish they are

I guess at times I like to be by myself, but I hate to feel alone, there is so much loneliness that comes with mental illness in itself, mainly on the inside, its only made worse when its physical too

Its mainly the emotion involved, the disappointment, which I guess turns to anger, but I shouldn’t blame myself for that, I’m only human after all, an I have a heart, but I’m done running after people, take me as I am, or lose me forever, its that black an white for me lately, I won’t risk being hurt

Though just because i find life hard at times, I still try to go on living regardless, I won’t give up on the things I want, sometimes it can be a distraction, other times its only more fuel to the fire

With anything in life, a failure means you tried, but any happiness depends on a bit of risk at times right??

Also over the last couple of days, I’ve started seeing things again, an being convinced that when I’m home alone, that there is someone outside watching me, an waiting for a moment to break in an hurt me, I guess its the paranoia

I am on seroquel, an though I now have a new script, I haven’t taken any for about a week, I was prescribed them mainly for how I was before, for my moods swings, but also that i used to believe that I saw ghosts, an might even have evil inside me, maybe even possessed by something, it was a scary time, an perhaps I’m losing my grip on reality slightly

I’m unsure whether or not to take them again, at first without them, life seemed too real, an it was a little scary, but a few days later, an now I don’t miss them at all, I can think more clearly, an things make more sense, rationally

Things are still hard in different ways, still feeling how I am, an being in better control, it now feels like I’m talking about someone else, its happening to me, yet it feels like a dream about someone else

One day at a time 。。。

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