Just Make It Stop

How many more deep breaths, an effort will it take before i can’t suppress how I feel inside any longer

If someone came to me, an said, here’s a tablet that will end it all, you’ll fall asleep an never wake up… I’d take it, now, does that mean I’m suicidal, no, but I have the thoughts, its the easy way out that’s appealing to me, I just want to escape from life, my life, even just for a while

I hate feeling this way, feeling like my mind is tearing itself apart, this whole medicated, reckless, emotional, fear filled, impulsive life, an how lately I’m filled with frustration an anger, its those head in your hands, screaming for relief moments, almost begging for silence inside

I always seem to be in a bad mood, over silly things that can be laughed at

Things trigger me off easily lately, like today, how my step dad had heated up home made soup that he made, a simple shout upstairs, ‘this soup is warm, if you want any’ etc is all that he’d have to say, but when I went down to make a cup of tea, an saw my mum an step dad eating together, without me, I got annoyed, I admit it, probably because that’s when he decided to mention it to me, then there was the slurping noises, an the spoons tapping off the bowls

There’s only the three of us living here now, it may seem pretty petty, but to me, its selfish, an another example of how, when I’m not around, I don’t seem to exist for people, like now they are away out, I hardly ever get asked would I like to go too, instead I’m home alone, again, wondering why I bother making an effort with these people

I’m not getting into a whole discussion about it, an maybe I’m trying to justify my pettiness, but you’d have to live here to understand it, perhaps I feel excluded, forgotten, I’m only wanted when I’m needed… let’s just leave it at, its not the first time, just one of many

I might like to be own my own, but people know I hate being left alone, because when I’m alone, is when the voices an the illness take over, sometimes I have no control anymore, an it scares me, my emotional state will control me, you’d almost think I had split personalities

Its now time, time to give myself a shake, an go to my doctors, I can’t go on this way anymore, as much as I hate having to go back to them, I have to swallow my pride an get it done

Even though its like an alcoholic, going to AA, then going home an getting drunk, you’re no further forward than you were before

On a lighter note: I just found out, that this is my blogs most popular month, since I started it, almost a year an I half ago, I’m proud of that, although, everyone loves a train wreck don’t they

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