Just Crazy Old Me, As Usual

I’m feeling so frustrated, my head feels like its going to explode!

This stupid cold, its so annoying, I’m drained, I can’t stop coughing, I’m angry, an everything else is making me feel like crap, which makes me think about everything else, or am I being forced to by my messed up mind, I don’t know anymore

Every sound is louder, an every sound is irritating me, I feel like hurting myself, or just banging my head of the wall, messed up huh, but its how I feel, my mind is out of control, an I’m finding it hard to keep a grip right now

You know, this whole, being nicer thing, swallowing things I’ve really wanted to say, an also being there for an EX, making sweet talk an giving advice, I’m helping someone who betrayed me, who lied to me, an who I know for a fact wouldn’t do the same if the rolls were reversed

But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me feel good, telling her all the bad things her now ex has said, its like rubbing salt in the wound, its revenge, which is cruel, yes, but sometimes people have to feel how you once did, or they never learn from their mistakes

An now I’m also forcing myself to like someone new, who says things an acts in ways I don’t agree with, for what, to be used again, what am I getting out of it, why am I wasting my time, am I that desperate for attention, sinking that low for anyone lately who shows me interest

I’m done with it now, an I’ve cut all contact with everyone down to a minimum for a while, its taking its toll on me, an I’m already not well as it is

What is wrong with me, I’m falling apart, slowly crumbling everyday, this life I’m living, the people around me, I’m suffocating, its like the walls are closing in on me, I actually feel like tearing my hair out

Why can’t I handle the pressure of the slightest thing lately, everything seems harder to cope with

An everyone is using me, I’m always the one they come to when they need anything, but when there’s something better on offer, I’m nowhere to be seen, because I’m forgot about, I’m taken for granted, an I’ve had enough! I wish I could escape them, just get away from them, an I will, after all, I’m 26, an I can do what I like, when I like, anything legal, an no one can stand in my way, not anymore

I try to relax like I’ve been told by the mental health team 。。。I’m drifting on a river, drifting, quiet, calm, relaxed 。。。

Screw the river! Forget being calm, unless I’m mad enough that the river can talk an give advice, then its a waste of my time isn’t it

Deep breath 。。。I’ll take my ‘pills’

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Claustrophobic

I feel like screaming 。。。Just everyone, go away an leave me the hell alone!!!

Today has such a strange atmosphere to it, my brother an his girlfriend, came to lift us today (mum, younger brother an I) an they were arguing nearly the whole time, which made me feel uneasy, they are always falling out these days, over any little thing

My mum seems very distant, an keeps falling asleep, my guess is that she’s slightly doped on medication, as per her usual, plus I’m unwell with the flu, an surprise surprise, now she is also, I know you can catch the flu, its just typical of her, like a lot of the time, I’d suffer from electric type jolts running through my body, now lately she is having them too 。。。Its like she’s a sponge, an she mimics my illnesses all the time

My younger brother is back living with us again, he broke his bail by being caught drunk in town, got sent to prison until the court date on wednesday, now he’s out on a new bail, an has an ankle tag

My ex, an a new friend of mine, who it so happens were dating! They only just broke up, an as I’m friendly with them both I’m caught in the middle, an have to listen to how much she loved him, ammm hello?? You loved me only back in september

Little did I know, she went on a date with him, the same day as me, after I went home 。。。I’m now glad that it never worked out with us, it would have been worse in the long run, finding out

He’s told me she’s a stalker, an he was thinking of involving the police over it all, but now I have her asking me how he is all the time, as he won’t reply to any of her calls, texts or emails, so I know I’m being used, but then that’s my life story

Maybe to others these things might be laughable, but there is a lot going on in my own personal life at the same time, that I’m trying to deal with, an it all weighs on me, its so emotionally draining, with that an my flu, an the drag from my medication, I’m walking around like a lost, lifeless zombie, stressed out an can’t cope anymore

~When you have a good heart, you help too much, you trust too much, you give too much, you love too much an it always seems you hurt the most ~

Blurred Reality

Can a person live in two worlds at the same time 。。。The you they all see, an the you with the fire that burns you up inside, the thing that eats away at you, until you lose who you are

Lately fantasy an reality have become a little blurred for me, things I think in my head, become as though I’ve already said them out loud, so I forget if I’m repeating myself, or if I said anything at all

Dreams have started to become like memories, so I forget sometimes if what I dreamt really happened, or things that happened were only just a dream

I’m beginning to hear things that aren’t there, little things, like some ones phone ringing, when it hasn’t, or someone calling my name, when no one has spoken, so now sometimes I get confused if I really heard what I thought I did

I think I’m having deep emotional problems also, I don’t want to be left alone, I’m hurt when others go out an don’t ask me if I’d like to come, I give an I give, but I get nothing back, I’m not an attention seeker, but a little acknowledgement would be nice

It makes me jealous, which then makes me angry, an anger with many voices screaming an roaring in rage inside my head, a chaotic uncontrollable fury which is dangerous, sometimes its like i can even feel myself crying internally, i guess I feel excluded, an left out, like if I’m not around, then its like I don’t exist

I even got a little upset the other day when my brothers dog didn’t really come near me, after not seeing me for a few days, like she’d forgotten me, which is pathetic

I try to talk, but i’m constantly being interrupted an talked over, people tell me things that happened, that I was present for, but they forget that I was there at all, it leads me into feeling resentment, an coming up with crazy ideas an plans, an ways in which to replace what I’m missing from other people

This is what happens when I let my guard down, I was emotionally strong, even slightly cold, sometimes I even switched my emotions on an off if it suited the situation, now I’m falling apart at any sign of rejection, almost psychotic

I think an appointment with my mental health team would be a good idea, I feel a little fragile an defenceless, an I’m slightly losing my grip on reality

I’m Only Human

Its a new year 。。。an i do have big hopes for this year, exactly what I posted before, but like you, I am human

Already I haven’t been taking my medication properly, an I’ve been having bad withdrawal symptoms, I’ve started taking them again today, I couldn’t handle it anymore, but with just taking the seroquel before that, I’ve been like a zombie, sleeping in until maybe half two, maybe longer in the day

On top of that, I can’t stop eating, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m always hungry, an I can’t get full sometimes, I was also meant to be quitting smoking, an I’ve already sneaked out an bought cigarettes, which I’m smoking in secret, I know I’m old enough to do what I want, but I’ve quit with a couple of other people, so I’ve failed already, I will though… I hope

I’ve picked up those bad habits from last year, I just need more will power, an a bit more self control, I hope I can be the leopard who changes his spots

Though, those things are minor in the bigger picture, its my fractured mind that scares me the most, an will be the biggest challenge to overcome, or at least get to grips with

Inside I feel like I’ve put so much pressure on myself, all I can hear is, ‘change, change, change’ 。。。’you’ll never change’ 。。。’You’re losing time’ 。。。’You’re a failure, an you’ll fail again, like you always do’ 。。。its starting to show through my nightmares every night lately

Today just walking to the shop, ‘the voices’ wouldn’t leave me alone, ‘Everyone’s looking at you’ 。。。In my mind I was running, but on the outside I was putting on the ‘I’m normal’ act, I couldn’t wait to just get in an lock the door

I think the lack of medication was to blame, the tablet that helps to control my social phobia, its called ‘duloxetine 。。。Its ok but withdrawal is horrible, its like electric currents being passed through my body, although its not the best medication, its the one tablet from my past, that I’ve noticed works a little, sadly you can only take 60mg of it, when you first start taking it, it can mimic mania, maybe that’s why I liked it

We can’t expect to change over night, I guess when I looked at myself, in a world where I want change, its not as easy as I thought it would be, mental Illness limits our life, but I’m not going to let it control mine

Happy New Year!!!

Just wanted to add this short blog, to send my wishes to all my followers, or should I say friends, because we travel the same path together now

As I’ve said before, come the new year, I wish only for you, what I wish for myself, an much, much more

I’ll be back asap in the new year, blogging away, I hope you continue to join me on my journey, of not recovery, but more self discovery

Happy new year xx

In life we can fall a long way down, but the climb back to the top, is so much better