Boy In The Mirror: Birthday Boy

I guess in hindsight, a birthday can sometimes make you think back on past years, an I have today, only when you get a little older can you truly look back an see how far you’ve come, probably because there’s more to look back on

So many memories, good an bad, it does make me a little emotional to remember some of the things I’ve lost an left behind, but regrets are a part of every ones life, we’ve already lived them, an though there is plenty of time to make a few more mistakes, hopefully we will have learned from past ones ~

Well, yesterday was my birthday, I woke up to the ‘happy birthdays’ at home an on my phone etc, I knew it was going to be a long day, but a day I wanted to enjoy, so I took a double dose of medication to dull down all the negativity in my head

I started the day by seeing the mental health team, I was with an OT this time, I told her everything, every dark detail, she was worried about me, though I don’t think she wanted to make any drastic decisions as it was my birthday

I got emotional, nearly broke down a few times, by the end I was emotionally drained, an exhausted, but I’m glad that I went, it was like a weight off my shoulders

She gave me faith, that finally I may have found someone who will try an help me, an be there for me, an not just someone who would give me medication an send me on my way like the others ~

In the evening, we went bowling at the jet centre (its a big place with everything inside, cinema, bowling, ice skating, etc) which I’m proud to say I won a game!!! An as it was a monday, we had the whole place to ourselves, which was a bonus, we played a few other games before we left, air hockey etc, it was fun, ‘not a care in the world’ kinda fun, I just let go an went with things

After that we went on into portrush, which is a seaside, more of a summer time kind of place, there’s a beach, rides, amusements, many candy floss/rock/souvenir shops, you get the idea… we did a bit of gambling before heading home

For the last couple of years I’d done the whole mature kind of birthday… Sort of… Fancy dinner out, all dressed up, blowing out the candles etc, though usually followed by getting drunk, an then that’s a whole other post!

This year I just wanted something fun, an light hearted, which it was, just family an friends goofing around, with plenty of smiles an laughing

Though usually a birthday is about celebrating your life, for me it was a good distraction form mine, it was a good day….

Today, the mental health team phoned me (the OT lady) she’s arranged to meet me again, also she’s getting me into some group therapy thing, an to tell me that I’ll be on diazepam for the next couple of weeks, (Dr. C probably won’t like that) an that if I can’t cope, an feel I’m in danger between now an when I see her next monday, she’ll arrange to have me assessed, an go from there

So I’m unsure about my future, but the present isn’t looking as bad as it was for now…

They Don’t Know Me, Not Anymore

Things have changed lately, an so have I, mainly due to the grip of whatever this is I’m going through, but sometimes the raw emotions of depression, if it hasn’t yet clouded your mind, can open you up to the truth, its like it lifts the veil of life, an you get to see things an people for who an what they really are, an I have, its admitting to yourself, which is the next step

The people around me make me so angry, an frustrated, they always have, but not on this level, its now to the point where I’m actually beginning to feel hatred towards them, their stories an problems are so mind numbingly boring, an they seem to want nothing more than to be the centre of attention

Yes they love me, or at least what they believe love is, but its more of a need than anything else, I fill a need, an that’s it, they don’t know it, but they are killing me, not literally, but mentally, weighing me down, suffocating me, an stifling me

Its like a flower in the dessert, clinging on to life, when everything around it should have killed it by now, but somehow, its hung on in there, but regardless, it’ll never grow, not fully, not where it is

I know I can’t turn to them, I never could, an I’m tired of putting on a fake smile around them, pretending that I care, an that I’m interesting in what they have to say, when I no longer do

Without them, I don’t really have anyone, an I think that’s the only reason I’m still here, I feel like a caged bird who just wants to spread his wings an fly the coop, sadly my wings are clipped for now, an I have to make the best of what I have

Truth Set Free

Today I woke up, an I felt a little better, but I knew it wouldn’t be long before the darkness set in again, an I was right

This is the worst depression I’ve ever felt, an its the strongest my mental illness has ever been, I don’t know what triggered it, perhaps I just gave up trying anymore

Walking around town today with family, I realised how much I hate this place now, how it never really felt like home to me, an how I’d love to just get away, I have this longing inside, to just be free

I saw the doctor today, Dr,H, he listened, more than usual anyway, I told him everything, how my mind is out of control, the things I’m seeing, the voices, the anger, the evil thoughts, how I have urges to hurt people/myself, my depersonalisation, but most of all how scared I am, i told him how it was my birthday next monday, an I just wanted to stay stable till then, then I’d decide how to go forward from there

He phoned the mental health team for advice, but most of them where busy in a meeting, the man he did talk to just advised to up my dose of seroquel, but that it wouldn’t do much for the psychotic symptoms, an that I’ll have an emergency appointment sometime next week

Before I left, the doctor told me to ring in, in a couple of days to see how I’m doing, an got me to phone my mum, so he could tell her to monitor my tablets, an to keep them away from me

I just want to enjoy my birthday, as bad as things are, I wouldn’t want to be hospitalised before then, so I’ll give myself until tuesday, an see what happens I guess, an hopefully my birthday post will be a happy one for all of you for a change

Where The Dark Path Leads

I don’t know what is going on inside my head, I can’t control the voices anymore, they talk at will an have conversations that I’m not a part of, its strange to even be writing this, it feels so unnatural

There seems to be four voices, my own, the kind helpful one, the nasty one, then there’s tylar, who I don’t really understand, he is the impulsive, live for today, cold hearted, rebellious one, it was a part of me that I created as an escape from being myself, an now has taken on a life of its own, which is messed up in itself

Each day now its like my thoughts are the ones living my life, making me think the most horrible, evil thoughts, aside from that, I’ll simply be spending time with my family for example, but inside I’ll be thinking, ‘if I wasn’t here anymore, would I miss any of this, would I miss them’, an the answer is no, I wouldn’t, its like I’m now test driving my own life, like my life has been taken out of my hands

I have this strange feeling inside, like I feel, an I know its my time to go, its as if you just know its your time, I don’t choose to think an feel this way, an I’m not saying that I’m planning anything, its just there everyday now, an everyday that passes makes me feel more an more like I don’t belong

I’m just so unhappy, I can’t cope, I can’t even stand to look at myself anymore, I’m always so angry, I don’t even remember who I used be anymore, I’ve lived so much of my life in the almost 27 years of it

There is so much to live for an experience in life, but in bed at night, you’ll always be reminded of how you really feel, with no distractions, for me this is no longer a life, not anymore, its just an existence

No one knows how I feel, its been exhausting keeping up an act, although today I did confide in my mum again, to which I didn’t get much response, just an ‘I know its hard’… Its not her fault, I guess she does the best she knows how

I see the mental health team very soon, an I’m in two minds as of what to do, tell all an hope for the best, or go on with my life, an whatever happens, happens…

Ghosts From The Past

They always say to look back, only to learn from it

So looking back, my posts last year about when I gave in to the dark thoughts I was having, weren’t the best I could have written in my opinion, an I held back a bit

So with how I’m feeling lately, an in hindsight, I want to go back, an just recap on things that happened that night an following it, to give a better understanding ~

Its strange to think, that around this time last year, I had been in A&E after a breakdown, an living with a whirlwind of emotions

I remember I had been drinking, I was using it as an escape, I was in a very dark place, an I no longer cared about consequences, or life

By the end of the night, there was only my older brother an I still up, it had turned into a strange night by then, where we were cutting ourselves, just for fun, I think with the alcohol, an both our illnesses feeding of off each other, an me already on the edge, things got a little crazy

I got scared that things were going too far, an that I was losing control, so i phoned lifeline, by this point I was lying on the bathroom floor, lost an kind of lifeless, they had my aunts number so they phoned her an asked her to check up on me, she didn’t have much sympathy, but I don’t blame her after putting up with us that night

I left shortly after that, walking home, inside I guess I knew that, that night no one would ever see me again, my mind was made up, I’d gone beyond rational thinking by that point

But something happened, I came to my senses, enough to know that I wasn’t in my right mind, I wasn’t drunk, but I had that confidence that can be dangerous

Walking by the police station, I had to make a choice, I chose life, I spoke through the intercom, telling them I needed help, after letting me in, an telling them I didn’t feel safe, they phoned an ambulance to come an take me to hospital, the police men looked confused, an a little lost for words, I guess its not something that they see everyday

On the way to the hospital, I was sinking into a strange daze, where I wasn’t sure of what was really happening, I was numb, an not really present, the paramedic that was with me in the back, was asking me all sorts of questions, to this day, I can’t remember any of them, we must have talked a lot, as the hospital is at least 30 miles from where I live, but I do remember I didn’t want to talk, I just wanted to look out the window in silence

When we arrived I was taken to A&E, I was moved a couple of times before being given my own bed, others that were there, were mostly people injured from being out an drinking that night, I remember feeling that because of where I was, It was like I was breathing in death, an it made me uncomfortable

They told me if I had been drinking, I wouldn’t be taken seriously, an wouldn’t get help, which i had been, but I denied it, though they probably smelt it on me anyway

A nurse sat with me for a while, talking to me, I guess to help me feel like I had company, personally, I think she was just being noisy, I remember reading my chart then, which said I was a high risk of self harm

They kept refusing to give me any kind of medication to help me, I think they kept telling me to wait until the psychiatrist came, an every time I went for a smoke, they kept following me, an making me promise I wasn’t going to run away, after a while I did get annoyed, an reminded them, I was 30 miles from home, I knew no one, an had no money, where was I going to go

After a while I was taken to a sort of day room, given a blanket, an had to wait until the psychiatrist came

I think its funny, the little things I remember, like how I was walking around with a bag of crisps all night that I got from the vending machine

A while past, an I was given breakfast, by then I was feeling more like myself again, the psychiatrist finally came, by then I think I’d been waiting around the hospital for 9 hours, I didn’t like her from the beginning, she had a very high sense of purpose, an ordered the nurses around like she owned the place, we had a chat, by then I was exhausted, an I just wanted to go home, perhaps that was a good thing, because had she came a few hours before, I know I would have been hospitalised

She stomped on my problems, an the things I said, she gave the impression like I was childs play to her, or a waste of time, she didn’t show much empathy, an was almost cold, though she did agree I was ‘messed up’ but said everyone is a little messed up, which I guess is true

I was deemed mentally fit enough to be let go, an she arranged for a taxi to take me home, which was really nice of her, she could have left me to find my own way, now knowing I was fit enough to be trusted

I arrived home, an no one knew, as I’m over 18, I have to give consent first, but I told my mum, an in turn she told everyone else, which upset me, I didn’t want the concern, or pity, or to be judged, I just wanted it put behind me, it was still too raw in my mind, it had only just happened

Lifeline tried phoning a few times that next day, but I ignored them, they called out to my house twice, the first time I was away, the second time I had no choice but to refuse, as my mum an younger brother were there, they didn’t seem bothered, an I never heard from them again after that

Having experienced all that, an now knowing what I do, to be honest, if I hit that low point again, I’m afraid that I wouldn’t seek help, but I wouldn’t know for sure until that time ~

I’m glad I could re-open up about what happened, not just for you, but for me too, because I found the strength, not from others, but from inside myself, it gives me hope

HOPE ~ Hold On, Pain Ends

Insight In Hindsight

I’d love to start this post, how I’d love to begin every one, happy, positive, to inspire the person reading it, but I guess I can settle for what I can give, an that hopefully is a little insight ~

My room where I used to just close the door, close it to the world, has now become like a prison, it has become such a dark place, where the walls close in on me, that’s where I let out all the hurt, the anger an frustration inside, an where I’m at my most venerable, its the place where I’m alone the most, so it does hold a lot of darkness within

My room now is where the illness takes over, where the voices are the loudest, its where i’ll see things, things will appear to move, I’ll see shadows of people, an things from certain angles creeping over my bed, like spiders

I feel like I’m losing control, losing my mind, sometimes now its like I’m looking through someone elses eyes, like I’m inside looking out, everything becomes grey an lifeless

My emotions are all over the place, but towards others its hard to feel anything, I feel so empty, an like nothing in life really matters, life doesn’t even seem like its real anymore, like I could touch something an it wouldn’t really be there

Its like I’m walking around in a strange daze, a twilight where everything is in different colours, like I’ve crossed over into a parallel world where everything is the same, but looks different somehow

Depression consumes you if you let it, its like being in the dark, an constantly searching for the light

The other day I received ESA forms, filling them out, all this raw emotion started building up inside me, thinking about my life an the situations I fear the most to help answer the questions

Its horrible having to prove yourself over an over again, to put across your life, lay your deepest self on those pages

Reading my answers over again, was like reading a hidden truth, seeing the words there, I read them over an over again, almost like someone had told me a blunt truth that I didn’t want to hear

But its proof that, no matter what you’re going through, regardless, life goes on

Truths And Fears

I’m glad I can admit when I’m wrong, I was too fast at cutting people from my life, especially when I need them the most, an so I said sorry to someone that I made a mistake with an judged wrongly, thankfully it all worked out

I guess its true what they say, ‘you don’t know what you had, until its gone’

I get so wrapped up in how I feel, an I call others selfish, when to be honest, I’m the selfish one, pushing people away because I think it will make me feel better, I get hurt by one person, an end up tarring everyone with the same brush

I don’t think I can blame mental illness on this one, nor should I use that as an easy excuse, but instead my heightened emotions because of it

~Sorry for the things I said, an pushing you away, mainly for how we let things end, but I’m hoping you’ll forgive me, an we can make amends~

So that was one bonus, that an I’ve been quite lucky today, winning some money, which never fails to make us smile

Today didn’t start off with sorrys an smiles

I was walking up today, an although it was sunny, everything around me seemed weirdly grey, an somehow lifeless, I suddenly got this horrible thought of suicide, an it made me feel happy to think of myself not here anymore

I fought the thoughts off, its like there were two people inside my head, fighting it out, an its so strange, when I got control over it, I had this weird feeling of sadness, like I was having withdrawal from a drug, its hard to explain

Once back to myself, my mind started racing, I became scared suddenly of everything around me, like I suddenly realised where I was, everything was going to hurt me, were people watching me, every window had eyes, an I couldn’t breathe, my thoughts were actually ‘taking the wind out of me’ but maybe I was breathing heavy an walking so fast I didn’t realise

I went in to get my hair cut, I’d been questioning whether or not to just have it all shaved off, lately I just couldn’t handle having hair, I’ve shaved an hacked at my hair in the past, sometimes I’d self harm by tearing some of it out, It made me feel good at the time

But I didn’t go through with it, I just had it cut as short as I knew I’d feel comfortable with

The hairdresser was talking to a client, while I waited, an weirdly it was about suicide, ‘was it a sign’ …I felt my heart beating fast, almost like two people were talking about me, an I could over hear, I had to remind myself, ‘they don’t know you, as far as they know, you’re just a normal average person’

The rest of today has gone by in a kind of blur, where my mind has given me a break by being quiet, so the day an my mood have picked up from how it began

I talked these things over with my mum, an she was there for me, she listened, an she cared, maybe its not the worst thing to let people in once in a while, I may be almost 27, but I have so much left to learn about life