Spiralling

I sometimes wonder, will I ever grow in this swamp of a life I’m living in, every time I try to express how I’m feeling, or I try to make a fresh start, someone in my family comes along an eclipses me an my problems

Yesterday I just broke down, I just couldn’t hold things in any longer, I began to think of my life, an how I feel like I’m drowning, an there’s no one to save me, I started going to a very dark place, an all I wanted in that moment, was for everything to end

When my mum finally came home, I thought, I’ll confide in her, but I didn’t really get a proper chance, my younger brother, who, if you read my blog, will know that he broke his bail, an was technically ‘on the run’… He decided to get drunk yesterday, an when on his way here to our house, was spotted by the police, they followed him, resulting in his arrest, so its more or less guaranteed he’ll now go to prison

This morning my mum got a phone call from the hospital, my brother had tried to hang or choke himself using his jumper, I’m not sure if it was an actual suicide attempt or not though, I do know he was brought back to the police station, an given diazepam

I’m only really close to five family members, I think the rest look at us like we’re beneath them

Both my brothers are alcoholics, my older brother has been up all night drinking with friends, he has a personality disorder, my younger brother, on top of being an alcoholic, has ADHD, my mum is plagued with anxiety an OCD, an abuses her medication, she’s now totally given up on being a christian, an has formed an addiction to gambling too

You can read all about that in my post: Losing Faith In A Mother.

My aunt who has a borderline personality disorder, sadly had a miscarriage two years ago, an tried to overdose, all this after already having her first child adopted, because she wasn’t deemed fit to be a mother

My step dad an I never talk, when alone its just awkward silences, where I don’t even make an effort anymore, when I first moved home, I was so paranoid that he hated me, I believed he wanted me dead, an was spying on me with hidden cameras, at one point I even believed he could hear my thoughts

Then you throw in my own personal struggle, an the in family fighting an bullying that goes on, you have a recipe for disaster

My birthday is only about three weeks away, my older brother is in court on wednesday, where he’ll likely go to prison too, he might be more lucky though, but no one will feel like celebrating with me very much, its happened before, an although plans went ahead, everyone felt guilty as my brothers weren’t there

Birthdays are the one day we get to celebrate who we are, so I don’t think I’m selfish for thinking about how events will ruin it for me

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