Resentful Contempt

Lately the emotions within me take over, an can make me pretty angry an cold… I’m tired of feeling used by the people around me, only needed when they want something, company, money

there is a million things I’d like to say, a million ways to hurt you

Like me, when you’ve been hurt so many times, you have to be careful, because it can turn you cold, you get your feelings hurt so many times, so perhaps you decide to withhold your emotions from other people

Walking up to see everyone today, a strange thought ran through my mind, like I was going to visit strangers, the way I feel lately, its like I don’t even know the people in my life anymore, an I was in a strange mood.. Resentful

I’ve written many poems about how I feel within my family, an it was hard to chose just one, but I’d like to share it with you:

I feel like a puzzle piece, stuck in the wrong place, squashed and crammed into the wrong space

I feel like a puzzle piece, clearly the wrong bit, squashed and crammed, forced to fit

I feel like a puzzle piece, unaware of the piece they took, squashed and crammed and overlooked

I feel like a puzzle piece, small and insignificant~

My strong emotions do give me motivation, the motivation to expand my life beyond the people around me

I don’t feel like I fit in here anymore, they don’t feel like family anymore, there’s this emotional void now where I don’t feel much toward them, but that’s slightly life in general now, I feel disconnected lately, like there’s something missing, life doesn’t feel natural, like I’m in a dream

I jump back an forward, between reality an fantasy, one minute I’ll be grounded, an think rationally, then the next my head will be in the clouds, like today for example, I thought I was being followed, an watched, I didn’t feel safe

sometimes I’ll look an see a figure of a man, its one of those ‘gasp’ moments, as quick as I saw him, he’s gone again

Sometimes I no longer feel safe around some of my family, like my step dad, he is quite quiet by nature, but when he gets frustrated or angry, it can be scary, it all bubbles below the surface, you know there’s things he’d love to say but doesn’t, I feel sometimes like he’d love to hurt me, or see me get hurt, its not a nice feeling, I feel as though one day he’ll just explode

Sometimes I do feel guilty for feeling this way, an having these thoughts, I’m just so confused, an i don’t know what is happening to me anymore, but I do know I need help

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7 responses to “Resentful Contempt

    • Thank you for taking the time to comment, an for suggesting that…

      I wanted to know what I was talking about before I commented, an it does sound like a good medication from what I’ve read

      I’ll mention it in my next appointment

      …Ty

      • Hang in there!!! I have felt just like you feel. It gets better for sure. I didn’t know how paranoid I was till I took medicine for paranoia and a lot of it lifted.

      • You’re right…

        I know its all in my head, just at certain times when I lose grip on reality, it all becomes so real, its strange, but I’m sure you know what it feels like when you have that split, an its hard to tell what’s real an what isn’t

      • It’s EXTREMELY hard to tell what’s real and what isn’t!! It’s not black and white. And it’s hell to be in our heads at those points. I understand completely. I am pulling for you. GOD these blogs have been amazing for support!!!!!!!!

  1. i don’t feel like i am a part of my family either. they just keep hurting me no matter what i try to do to make things better. either they get mad for me trying, or do nothing, or say they understand and will change, only to act like nothing ever was said the day after. it’s a lovely thing to deal with. (not!) so recently, i’ve been questioning if it’s worth my time to keep them in my life or not.

    • There’s that saying, you can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family…

      The only advice I can give you, apart from telling them how you feel (which I have tried, waste of time) is to create some distance between you both

      Whatever you decide, its your life, an its what you do to make yourself happy, that’s most important

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