Truths And Fears

I’m glad I can admit when I’m wrong, I was too fast at cutting people from my life, especially when I need them the most, an so I said sorry to someone that I made a mistake with an judged wrongly, thankfully it all worked out

I guess its true what they say, ‘you don’t know what you had, until its gone’

I get so wrapped up in how I feel, an I call others selfish, when to be honest, I’m the selfish one, pushing people away because I think it will make me feel better, I get hurt by one person, an end up tarring everyone with the same brush

I don’t think I can blame mental illness on this one, nor should I use that as an easy excuse, but instead my heightened emotions because of it

~Sorry for the things I said, an pushing you away, mainly for how we let things end, but I’m hoping you’ll forgive me, an we can make amends~

So that was one bonus, that an I’ve been quite lucky today, winning some money, which never fails to make us smile

Today didn’t start off with sorrys an smiles

I was walking up today, an although it was sunny, everything around me seemed weirdly grey, an somehow lifeless, I suddenly got this horrible thought of suicide, an it made me feel happy to think of myself not here anymore

I fought the thoughts off, its like there were two people inside my head, fighting it out, an its so strange, when I got control over it, I had this weird feeling of sadness, like I was having withdrawal from a drug, its hard to explain

Once back to myself, my mind started racing, I became scared suddenly of everything around me, like I suddenly realised where I was, everything was going to hurt me, were people watching me, every window had eyes, an I couldn’t breathe, my thoughts were actually ‘taking the wind out of me’ but maybe I was breathing heavy an walking so fast I didn’t realise

I went in to get my hair cut, I’d been questioning whether or not to just have it all shaved off, lately I just couldn’t handle having hair, I’ve shaved an hacked at my hair in the past, sometimes I’d self harm by tearing some of it out, It made me feel good at the time

But I didn’t go through with it, I just had it cut as short as I knew I’d feel comfortable with

The hairdresser was talking to a client, while I waited, an weirdly it was about suicide, ‘was it a sign’ …I felt my heart beating fast, almost like two people were talking about me, an I could over hear, I had to remind myself, ‘they don’t know you, as far as they know, you’re just a normal average person’

The rest of today has gone by in a kind of blur, where my mind has given me a break by being quiet, so the day an my mood have picked up from how it began

I talked these things over with my mum, an she was there for me, she listened, an she cared, maybe its not the worst thing to let people in once in a while, I may be almost 27, but I have so much left to learn about life


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