Insight In Hindsight

I’d love to start this post, how I’d love to begin every one, happy, positive, to inspire the person reading it, but I guess I can settle for what I can give, an that hopefully is a little insight ~

My room where I used to just close the door, close it to the world, has now become like a prison, it has become such a dark place, where the walls close in on me, that’s where I let out all the hurt, the anger an frustration inside, an where I’m at my most venerable, its the place where I’m alone the most, so it does hold a lot of darkness within

My room now is where the illness takes over, where the voices are the loudest, its where i’ll see things, things will appear to move, I’ll see shadows of people, an things from certain angles creeping over my bed, like spiders

I feel like I’m losing control, losing my mind, sometimes now its like I’m looking through someone elses eyes, like I’m inside looking out, everything becomes grey an lifeless

My emotions are all over the place, but towards others its hard to feel anything, I feel so empty, an like nothing in life really matters, life doesn’t even seem like its real anymore, like I could touch something an it wouldn’t really be there

Its like I’m walking around in a strange daze, a twilight where everything is in different colours, like I’ve crossed over into a parallel world where everything is the same, but looks different somehow

Depression consumes you if you let it, its like being in the dark, an constantly searching for the light

The other day I received ESA forms, filling them out, all this raw emotion started building up inside me, thinking about my life an the situations I fear the most to help answer the questions

Its horrible having to prove yourself over an over again, to put across your life, lay your deepest self on those pages

Reading my answers over again, was like reading a hidden truth, seeing the words there, I read them over an over again, almost like someone had told me a blunt truth that I didn’t want to hear

But its proof that, no matter what you’re going through, regardless, life goes on

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