Ghosts From The Past

They always say to look back, only to learn from it

So looking back, my posts last year about when I gave in to the dark thoughts I was having, weren’t the best I could have written in my opinion, an I held back a bit

So with how I’m feeling lately, an in hindsight, I want to go back, an just recap on things that happened that night an following it, to give a better understanding ~

Its strange to think, that around this time last year, I had been in A&E after a breakdown, an living with a whirlwind of emotions

I remember I had been drinking, I was using it as an escape, I was in a very dark place, an I no longer cared about consequences, or life

By the end of the night, there was only my older brother an I still up, it had turned into a strange night by then, where we were cutting ourselves, just for fun, I think with the alcohol, an both our illnesses feeding of off each other, an me already on the edge, things got a little crazy

I got scared that things were going too far, an that I was losing control, so i phoned lifeline, by this point I was lying on the bathroom floor, lost an kind of lifeless, they had my aunts number so they phoned her an asked her to check up on me, she didn’t have much sympathy, but I don’t blame her after putting up with us that night

I left shortly after that, walking home, inside I guess I knew that, that night no one would ever see me again, my mind was made up, I’d gone beyond rational thinking by that point

But something happened, I came to my senses, enough to know that I wasn’t in my right mind, I wasn’t drunk, but I had that confidence that can be dangerous

Walking by the police station, I had to make a choice, I chose life, I spoke through the intercom, telling them I needed help, after letting me in, an telling them I didn’t feel safe, they phoned an ambulance to come an take me to hospital, the police men looked confused, an a little lost for words, I guess its not something that they see everyday

On the way to the hospital, I was sinking into a strange daze, where I wasn’t sure of what was really happening, I was numb, an not really present, the paramedic that was with me in the back, was asking me all sorts of questions, to this day, I can’t remember any of them, we must have talked a lot, as the hospital is at least 30 miles from where I live, but I do remember I didn’t want to talk, I just wanted to look out the window in silence

When we arrived I was taken to A&E, I was moved a couple of times before being given my own bed, others that were there, were mostly people injured from being out an drinking that night, I remember feeling that because of where I was, It was like I was breathing in death, an it made me uncomfortable

They told me if I had been drinking, I wouldn’t be taken seriously, an wouldn’t get help, which i had been, but I denied it, though they probably smelt it on me anyway

A nurse sat with me for a while, talking to me, I guess to help me feel like I had company, personally, I think she was just being noisy, I remember reading my chart then, which said I was a high risk of self harm

They kept refusing to give me any kind of medication to help me, I think they kept telling me to wait until the psychiatrist came, an every time I went for a smoke, they kept following me, an making me promise I wasn’t going to run away, after a while I did get annoyed, an reminded them, I was 30 miles from home, I knew no one, an had no money, where was I going to go

After a while I was taken to a sort of day room, given a blanket, an had to wait until the psychiatrist came

I think its funny, the little things I remember, like how I was walking around with a bag of crisps all night that I got from the vending machine

A while past, an I was given breakfast, by then I was feeling more like myself again, the psychiatrist finally came, by then I think I’d been waiting around the hospital for 9 hours, I didn’t like her from the beginning, she had a very high sense of purpose, an ordered the nurses around like she owned the place, we had a chat, by then I was exhausted, an I just wanted to go home, perhaps that was a good thing, because had she came a few hours before, I know I would have been hospitalised

She stomped on my problems, an the things I said, she gave the impression like I was childs play to her, or a waste of time, she didn’t show much empathy, an was almost cold, though she did agree I was ‘messed up’ but said everyone is a little messed up, which I guess is true

I was deemed mentally fit enough to be let go, an she arranged for a taxi to take me home, which was really nice of her, she could have left me to find my own way, now knowing I was fit enough to be trusted

I arrived home, an no one knew, as I’m over 18, I have to give consent first, but I told my mum, an in turn she told everyone else, which upset me, I didn’t want the concern, or pity, or to be judged, I just wanted it put behind me, it was still too raw in my mind, it had only just happened

Lifeline tried phoning a few times that next day, but I ignored them, they called out to my house twice, the first time I was away, the second time I had no choice but to refuse, as my mum an younger brother were there, they didn’t seem bothered, an I never heard from them again after that

Having experienced all that, an now knowing what I do, to be honest, if I hit that low point again, I’m afraid that I wouldn’t seek help, but I wouldn’t know for sure until that time ~

I’m glad I could re-open up about what happened, not just for you, but for me too, because I found the strength, not from others, but from inside myself, it gives me hope

HOPE ~ Hold On, Pain Ends

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