I guess in hindsight, a birthday can sometimes make you think back on past years, an I have today, only when you get a little older can you truly look back an see how far you’ve come, probably because there’s more to look back on
So many memories, good an bad, it does make me a little emotional to remember some of the things I’ve lost an left behind, but regrets are a part of every ones life, we’ve already lived them, an though there is plenty of time to make a few more mistakes, hopefully we will have learned from past ones ~
Well, yesterday was my birthday, I woke up to the ‘happy birthdays’ at home an on my phone etc, I knew it was going to be a long day, but a day I wanted to enjoy, so I took a double dose of medication to dull down all the negativity in my head
I started the day by seeing the mental health team, I was with an OT this time, I told her everything, every dark detail, she was worried about me, though I don’t think she wanted to make any drastic decisions as it was my birthday
I got emotional, nearly broke down a few times, by the end I was emotionally drained, an exhausted, but I’m glad that I went, it was like a weight off my shoulders
She gave me faith, that finally I may have found someone who will try an help me, an be there for me, an not just someone who would give me medication an send me on my way like the others ~
In the evening, we went bowling at the jet centre (its a big place with everything inside, cinema, bowling, ice skating, etc) which I’m proud to say I won a game!!! An as it was a monday, we had the whole place to ourselves, which was a bonus, we played a few other games before we left, air hockey etc, it was fun, ‘not a care in the world’ kinda fun, I just let go an went with things
After that we went on into portrush, which is a seaside, more of a summer time kind of place, there’s a beach, rides, amusements, many candy floss/rock/souvenir shops, you get the idea… we did a bit of gambling before heading home
For the last couple of years I’d done the whole mature kind of birthday… Sort of… Fancy dinner out, all dressed up, blowing out the candles etc, though usually followed by getting drunk, an then that’s a whole other post!
This year I just wanted something fun, an light hearted, which it was, just family an friends goofing around, with plenty of smiles an laughing
Though usually a birthday is about celebrating your life, for me it was a good distraction form mine, it was a good day….
Today, the mental health team phoned me (the OT lady) she’s arranged to meet me again, also she’s getting me into some group therapy thing, an to tell me that I’ll be on diazepam for the next couple of weeks, (Dr. C probably won’t like that) an that if I can’t cope, an feel I’m in danger between now an when I see her next monday, she’ll arrange to have me assessed, an go from there
So I’m unsure about my future, but the present isn’t looking as bad as it was for now…