The Looming Shadow Of ESA

This is more of a dear diary post, it’ll be part one of two posts, the before and after if you want to call it that.

I’m clueless with this sort of thing, that being ESA benefit, an their medical assessments, I have had a couple before but for income support

I’ll just treat this one like I do when I see my own mental health team, an hope for the best, an hopefully by me blogging about this, it will help others who are just as anxious as me about this sort of thing

Today I woke up to a letter from ESA, telling me I had to arrange an appointment with the medical team, I have, an its set for april 4th, ever since, I haven’t been able to think of anything else, it keeps playing in my mind, I keep getting heart palpitations, feeling panicky, an sick, its not for a while, but already its thrown my mind into chaos

Its a normal process, I know that, its just about proving to them, what I already know to be true

I went online, to see how others like me coped with it, everyone spoke of how horrible it was, an how it left them afterwards, about how you’re judged, an asked trick questions, an have to meet a very high standard of mental illness to be awarded the benefit, I’m already really nervous

Family can take me, an come in with me, but I know I’ll have to self medicate, otherwise I won’t be able to cope, I won’t go otherwise, I couldn’t, my anxiety an social phobia would make it near impossible, the noise inside my head would drive me crazy

I know its not the best idea, to overdose on medication, but I’ve already warned them I’d have to do that on the form I had to fill in for them, regardless, my mental state is more important to me than money, at any point in the medical if i feel too uncomfortable, or it becomes too much an I can’t cope, I’ll get up an leave an they can fail me

If the worst happens, an I fail, I’ll get by somehow, I’ll appeal, an appeal goes more on my medical evidence than what I say, but we’ll see, I’ll just have to put it to the back of my mind, an cross that bridge when I get to it

In another blow, Dr C phoned an has cut me off diazepam, she was very rude about it, an almost made it seem like I was some kind of junkie! but later in a call with my mum, she said sorry, she just didn’t want to be the one responsible for getting me addicted to them, its almost like the medical world is against me!

I’ll just have to ride this wave like all the others, an come out the other side hopefully unscathed

Read the follow-up blog to see how it all went for me in ‘The Looming Shadow Of ESA #2’

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Fallen Angel: A Touch Of Humility

Life always gives you a second chance, its called tomorrow

I can’t blame my illness for everything, but it does have a strong hold on my emotions, only when someone shows me kindness or love, do I come back down to earth an feel grounded again, its like I almost don’t believe what’s just happened, an it shocks me back to reality, I don’t really understand it, apart from what I’ve just told you

I’ve talked a lot lately about how people in my life leave me behind, about how I feel forgotten an alone, an although that much is true, I’ve never really told the story from the other side, an I believe in admitting to my faults, an owning up to my mistakes

I’ve realised that I’ve allowed my illness to consume my life, I’ve been selfish with my emotions towards others, you have to put something in, to get something back, how I feel, which I find hard to stay in control of, makes me turn against the people in my life, so I distance myself from them, which probably makes them think I don’t want to be around them, so I don’t get asked, which then only deepens my resentment, an there you have a never ending circle

I know this now, an with a clearer mind, I guess I always have, I have given a little more of myself lately, an I have been honest with people about how I feel, an I have since been asked to go places more often, an people have been there for me lately when I needed help, because I asked, I need to learn that its ok to ask for help

When mum an I were chatting yesterday, in one of our many chats about life, she told me that, she’s always there for me, and always will be, she may not always know what to do, or say, but I’ll never be alone as long as I have her in my life

I think the problem is me, the world is not out to get me, not everyone is trying or is going to hurt me, its ok to trust people, to forgive an to love

I’m grateful for what I have, an hopefully next time when I allow myself to be swallowed up by my emotions, an the darkness of depression, I can hold on to those things, an it will bring me back again

I guess like a lot of people, we like to think we know more about ourselves than we actually do, but no matter what age we are, we never truly stop learning about who we are, an that’s why life is called a journey

Crystal Staircase

The climb back to the top is always a shaky one, especially if the people you surround yourself with, make you their pray for negativity

I quit smoking today, whether I stick to it or not remains to be seen, but at my aunts, when everyone kept going for a smoke, it made me realise, how I’ve excluded myself from yet another thing, an yet another time when I’m now left alone, but i think I’ve coped well, especially with the usual drama that surrounds me

My older brother had drink on his mind a lot today, they are having a drink tomorrow night, but the thought of it was playing on his mind, I think that’s why he was in a strange mood all day

He kept annoying my aunt, in the way he always does, playful, but after a while having him poke at you, an annoy you all day, you come to the point where you have had enough, but he doesn’t see the harm, an that’s the problem, my aunt snapped, an my brother reacted, calling her names, saying the most hurtful things, an threatening to hit her, it just blew up, its an endless circle that continues to happen

There’s never a dull moment in my family, which you know by now, it settled down, as it always does, but I’m glad I can leave in the evening an come home, if its a choice between staying there, an being left home alone, I’d rather be alone

Talking of alone… As I said in my last post, my mum an step dad did go out, along with a couple of my other family, just gambling, but it sounded like they had fun, while once again I was left behind, I can’t say I wasn’t annoyed listening to them talking about it

I brought it up to my mum, about how I wasn’t invited, an how even at home I’m always alone, as they stay in their room, she didn’t get it, she just said how she’d been in the living room a few times lately, an I could have joined them, but I said how they watch the soaps etc, an that doesn’t interest me, an how they’ve only used the living room like twice this year etc, an also how I’m never invited to the fun stuff, but it wasn’t worth getting into something over nothing, so I let it go

I’m done being the broken record, because the same thing will probably happen tonight again anyway

Tomorrow I was meant to be visiting my younger brother, who is now in prison for the silly things he did while he was drunk, but I’m not going anymore, I’d rather go with my mum an step dad next week, instead of my older brother an his girlfriend tomorrow, if I had a choice, an was really selfish, I wouldn’t go at all, no one gets that its hard for me, they just see it as me doing something wrong

They make me so angry, its almost like they deliberately treat me a certain way to make me feel worse, as if keeping me down, makes them feel better in their misery, the contempt I feel for them at times is even shocking to me, its like the thoughts are planted in my mind, an I only agree

Sometimes I wonder, will I ever escape from this life of drama that I live, but I feel so trapped by my life

I don’t wanna dream about, all the things that never were, but maybe I can live without, when I’m out from under

I don’t wanna feel the pain, what good would it do me now, I’ll get it all figured out, when I’m out from under

Caged Bird

Its funny how on friday nights, like most other nights, I sit an say to myself, here I am, home alone again on a friday night, I image other people my age all out having fun, but I know its just the loneliness that brings those thoughts on

Or like times when my mum an step dad go out an I’m left at home, its like I’m forgotten, just left behind, even when they are here, I feel so alone, they stay in their room, an I in mine, I hear them watching things like a game show, an answering the questions together, an it reminds me how alone I feel inside

When i mention it to my mum, about how I would of liked to have been invited, it leads me to be invited out of pity, but i’m done asking can I come along too, I’m tired of being the third wheel, that’s why I crave a separate life away from them, from here, just something for me, I hate having to rely on people so much

These days my mum stays home more often, which means, I stay in too, because its really hard for me to go out alone, its different for her though, my step dad drives, so she can go out in the evening

Days when we do go out, my step dad will pick us up after he finishes work about four o’clock, we go home, an that’s basically me stuck at home for the rest of the day, I’ve tried having more of a life, an trying new hobbies like singing lessons etc, but then I have to rely on people for lifts there an home again, in time I get bored easily an usually give things up, that or eventually my illness forces me to

I think I’m still searching for who I am, an what I really want in life

But that aside, things have picked up for me a little, when I’m low, I have a habit of packing away all my things, but I’ve put everything back again, an I’m really positive about learning how to drive, mostly as I’m social phobic, it means I wouldn’t have to rely on people to be with me, an also I could leave the house at night, now if I’m home alone, I’m trapped inside from fear, a car will be like freedom

I used to, when I was younger, be so out going an care free, I had the life then, that I crave now, but a lot has changed since then, I’m still the same person on the inside, but my fear has turned my life into a prison, maybe someday I will be able to have a life free from the safety of having others around me, an finally burst this bubble of isolation that I’m living in

I’d like to share another little poem I wrote to end this post, its called ‘stain glass memories;

His past, a broken home, his life a lie, and everything he knows

Just a face without a name, his way of life, the cause to blame

In another life he’d never know, but in his dreams he does though

In himself he’s lost all faith, in his life he’ll have to wait

To Hell With Them All

Today I had my appointment with the mental health team, in the letter it said ‘key worker and medical staff’ but it was only the OT lady an some man, I guess he was a key worker an the OT lady was the medical staff, then why not just say that??

It was the same boring routine, sitting in a poky room, with barely any breathing room between me an them, I felt like I was repeating myself, the OT might as well of given him her notes, because I said the exact same thing today as the last time with her

She didn’t speak, just sat there looking like she’d rather still be in bed, an him, he sat there like someone had sucked the life from his body, he came across like he was bored an didn’t really wanna be there

At the end I told them I want no further help from the team, an that I’d rather go it alone, I’m done with them, like the letters say ‘let us know if you can’t make it, an your appointment can be allocated to another patient’ well let them have my time instead, maybe that person will actually find it useful

They asked would I at least see them one more time, I told them no, they can go be as helpful an useful as looking at paint dry with someone else

As my medication was changed to a higher dose, my doctor phoned to make sure I bring in my extra medication I’ll now have, she’s told my mum to take them from me an bring them in with her tomorrow as she has an appointment there, ‘take away the temptation’

In my anger I’m tempted to discharge myself from their surgery, an to not take any medication at all, that’s how much I care, it won’t achieve anything, but I’m done with them, they are the most unhelpful, unprofessional people I’ve ever met

You know its bad when they ask, ‘how do you think we can help you’ how am I meant to know that, maybe I should become a psychiatrist, an then I can diagnose myself, do their job for them, because that’s what they rely on most of the time

I’ll live to regret this, an I’ll probably have to go crawling back for help sooner or later, but I can’t help how I feel, I’m ruled by my emotions lately, an until I calm down from how I feel, I don’t see any way forward, I know I can’t go it alone, an I guess they know I’ll be back anyway

We Are Individuals, Because We Weren’t Made The Same

For a while lately, I thought things were looking up for me, but my mind has this strange ability to switch off my emotions, yet directs them into anger an feeling vengeful, its like something else inside takes over, perhaps the part of me I call tylar, who’s trigger seems to be anything negative, or when I’m really happy

I become impulsive, an I lose my will to care anymore, I become emotionally numb, I feel like I don’t need anyone, I don’t want anyone, yet I have this urge for affection and love, that burns inside, almost like an urgent desperation, I become angry, inside I’ll feel the chaos building up, an the desire to be destructive and reckless

I don’t want this life anymore, I don’t want the torture of waking up to another day of my own personal hell, an so much inner turmoil

I just want to be alone, I don’t want friends, I don’t want my family, I wanna be free from everything I know, everything I’ve ever known, an everyone, drift away on a cloud, or float away in a never ending ocean, that’s just how I’m feeling

There comes a point when you know you aren’t stable enough anymore to be in control of your own life, life in general is such a big responsibility, an I’m overwhelmed by it, consumed by it an its resulting emotions, I just wish I could switch it all off, an all the noise, not just around me, but also in my head

Its easy for people to give advice, or wonder why someone just can’t snap out of it, just because you were able to, but we aren’t as strong as each other, not everyone is strong enough to overcome it, we are individuals, because we weren’t made the same

I see the mental health team tomorrow, an I think I’ve just given up, but by then I could feel the complete opposite, that’s up to my mind I guess, but not everyone can be saved, an sometimes we don’t want to be

Mental Illness Is Not A Competition

Do you ever get those pangs of sadness, you’ll be doing something, an it’ll just hit you, its like the voice of your illness almost telling you, ‘you may have forgotten me for now, but I’m still here, an I’m not going anywhere, I have all the time in the world to wait’ ~

I haven’t been going out much lately, but when I have, I’ve been making more of an effort with my appearance, an people have noticed, an complimented me, which is a strange thing for me, but nice at the same time

Usually I’d hide myself in a coat, an a hat, just covering up as much as I can, even in summer, it doesn’t take much to make an effort, its just sometimes I feel more judged when I do, or I just don’t have the motivation to worry about my hair or clothes an things that don’t seem so important, but I am feeling a little better lately within myself

Yesterday I got a letter from the mental health team, I have to attend a meeting with a key worker, an some medical staff, I’m not sure why, or what its about, but I’m guessing as I’m not engaging enough with therapy, that’s what it’ll focus on

Trying to tell my family about it an how I felt, the same thing happened as it always does, they listen until I become boring, I get interrupted, an they move on to something else

Mainly I brought it up as its a friends birthday next month, an I’m not sure yet if I’m up to going, I don’t feel safe drinking at the moment, an I’m not stable enough to allow myself to let go again, I just said I want the mental health teams opinion on what I should do first

Anyway, my older brother over heard me talking, an starting saying how his doctor would give him stronger meds if he wanted, (meaning diazepam, as I now get them, I get 5mg, he gets 2mg) an sign him in if she had too, an how good of a doctor she is etc, I know him well enough to know, that because the mental health team are worried about me lately, he’s become jealous, an that was his way of boasting, its like he has to be the most ill, he said it in a passive aggressive way, trying to be subtle, its just pathetic

I don’t believe in his illness, yes he likes a drink, an has problems with anger, an has some form of a personality disorder, but with professionals, he exaggerates his condition, he puts across the version of the ‘drunk him’ like how he is when drunk, is the person he is all the time

Its not only him that tries to ‘outdo’ me, sometimes its my whole close family really, something will happen, like I’ll say how I’ve forgotten to reorder my seroquel, an that I depend on them now to sleep, an my mum for example will say how they don’t do anything to her, to which I always have to remind her that we have different mental health problems, so medication will always affect us differently

An say if I don’t want to go somewhere, they’d say, I’m not well either, but I’m still going, I’m tired of them putting us in the same boat, they have no idea what I’m going through, an they never will, their illness is like a mask they wear, where as for me, its a part of who I am, I’m not any more important than them, but we are in different leagues

They annoy me so much, I can’t wait to get away, from them, from here, to be free from this life of drama, simple minded none affective caring, an lack of empathy

Last night I was invited up for a drink again, I didn’t bother, I’m so happy I didn’t, I feel fine an they’re all in bed now, last week was enough! so I’m proud of myself, I don’t want that to become a part of my life, I only join in once in a while to just let go, it kind of resets my mind for me

I’m more of a quiet night in, or quiet night out person for now, its my other side ‘tylar’ that’s the reckless, out of control one, but for now he’s gone, an I’m myself again, free from his voice an influence over me