My Weekend Of Regret

At the weekend I was invited up to have a drink with my brother, his girlfriend, an one of her friends, I had no intention of drinking at all, I only went up for a visit, an now I wish I had of just left

Instead I ended up drinking, an using it to wash down diazepam, on top of that I was doing other things, which I’ll leave to your imagination… It went on from friday evening, through to saturday midnight before I went home, I feel so ashamed, an dirty after it all, I regret it so much, an I don’t even know why I joined in really

After a while other people landed in, (friends of my brother an his girlfriend) I ended up falling out with a few of them, they just weren’t my kind of people, an they kept making smart comments, which ruined my night, because it made me become someone I didn’t want to be, angry an bitter, an I think I wasted half the time trying to make them like me, when I shouldn’t have wasted the time, especially as I hope I never see them again

One of the girls who I sort of knew, but hadn’t spoken to before, said she had seen me in town, but I always had my head down, so she always thought I was a bit of a weirdo… That’s nice right! but she wouldn’t understand mental illness an social phobia, so I let it go, an even though I don’t really walk that way, I made some excuse about being paranoid about dog pooh, I know I’m sad! Besides that we did get on well

But that’s the bad thing about people who don’t know you, an who aren’t your friends, mix that with alcohol etc, an there’s no filter, an they tell you exactly what’s on their mind, they don’t know you, so your feelings mean nothing to them

I still haven’t fully recovered from it all, I knew it would affect my depression like it always does, drugs are not worth it, what did I come away with, I feel like crap an got my feelings hurt more than a few times, it was a complete disaster

We are meant to be meeting them in like a month for a friends birthday party, coming face to face with them again, I think I’d end up killing someone. Ok not really, but you get the drift

I say I want to meet new people, an have more fun, but when I do with new people, most of the time we don’t get along, I guess its hard to find ‘my kind’ of people

Since then, I haven’t been able to leave the house really, I tried last night but I was exhausted, I just wanted to get home to bed, this whole thing does no good for my social phobia, I always thought I put on an ok act, but I guess I can’t hide who I truly am inside, from the rest of the world


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