Mental Illness Is Not A Competition

Do you ever get those pangs of sadness, you’ll be doing something, an it’ll just hit you, its like the voice of your illness almost telling you, ‘you may have forgotten me for now, but I’m still here, an I’m not going anywhere, I have all the time in the world to wait’ ~

I haven’t been going out much lately, but when I have, I’ve been making more of an effort with my appearance, an people have noticed, an complimented me, which is a strange thing for me, but nice at the same time

Usually I’d hide myself in a coat, an a hat, just covering up as much as I can, even in summer, it doesn’t take much to make an effort, its just sometimes I feel more judged when I do, or I just don’t have the motivation to worry about my hair or clothes an things that don’t seem so important, but I am feeling a little better lately within myself

Yesterday I got a letter from the mental health team, I have to attend a meeting with a key worker, an some medical staff, I’m not sure why, or what its about, but I’m guessing as I’m not engaging enough with therapy, that’s what it’ll focus on

Trying to tell my family about it an how I felt, the same thing happened as it always does, they listen until I become boring, I get interrupted, an they move on to something else

Mainly I brought it up as its a friends birthday next month, an I’m not sure yet if I’m up to going, I don’t feel safe drinking at the moment, an I’m not stable enough to allow myself to let go again, I just said I want the mental health teams opinion on what I should do first

Anyway, my older brother over heard me talking, an starting saying how his doctor would give him stronger meds if he wanted, (meaning diazepam, as I now get them, I get 5mg, he gets 2mg) an sign him in if she had too, an how good of a doctor she is etc, I know him well enough to know, that because the mental health team are worried about me lately, he’s become jealous, an that was his way of boasting, its like he has to be the most ill, he said it in a passive aggressive way, trying to be subtle, its just pathetic

I don’t believe in his illness, yes he likes a drink, an has problems with anger, an has some form of a personality disorder, but with professionals, he exaggerates his condition, he puts across the version of the ‘drunk him’ like how he is when drunk, is the person he is all the time

Its not only him that tries to ‘outdo’ me, sometimes its my whole close family really, something will happen, like I’ll say how I’ve forgotten to reorder my seroquel, an that I depend on them now to sleep, an my mum for example will say how they don’t do anything to her, to which I always have to remind her that we have different mental health problems, so medication will always affect us differently

An say if I don’t want to go somewhere, they’d say, I’m not well either, but I’m still going, I’m tired of them putting us in the same boat, they have no idea what I’m going through, an they never will, their illness is like a mask they wear, where as for me, its a part of who I am, I’m not any more important than them, but we are in different leagues

They annoy me so much, I can’t wait to get away, from them, from here, to be free from this life of drama, simple minded none affective caring, an lack of empathy

Last night I was invited up for a drink again, I didn’t bother, I’m so happy I didn’t, I feel fine an they’re all in bed now, last week was enough! so I’m proud of myself, I don’t want that to become a part of my life, I only join in once in a while to just let go, it kind of resets my mind for me

I’m more of a quiet night in, or quiet night out person for now, its my other side ‘tylar’ that’s the reckless, out of control one, but for now he’s gone, an I’m myself again, free from his voice an influence over me

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2 responses to “Mental Illness Is Not A Competition

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