Caged Bird

Its funny how on friday nights, like most other nights, I sit an say to myself, here I am, home alone again on a friday night, I image other people my age all out having fun, but I know its just the loneliness that brings those thoughts on

Or like times when my mum an step dad go out an I’m left at home, its like I’m forgotten, just left behind, even when they are here, I feel so alone, they stay in their room, an I in mine, I hear them watching things like a game show, an answering the questions together, an it reminds me how alone I feel inside

When i mention it to my mum, about how I would of liked to have been invited, it leads me to be invited out of pity, but i’m done asking can I come along too, I’m tired of being the third wheel, that’s why I crave a separate life away from them, from here, just something for me, I hate having to rely on people so much

These days my mum stays home more often, which means, I stay in too, because its really hard for me to go out alone, its different for her though, my step dad drives, so she can go out in the evening

Days when we do go out, my step dad will pick us up after he finishes work about four o’clock, we go home, an that’s basically me stuck at home for the rest of the day, I’ve tried having more of a life, an trying new hobbies like singing lessons etc, but then I have to rely on people for lifts there an home again, in time I get bored easily an usually give things up, that or eventually my illness forces me to

I think I’m still searching for who I am, an what I really want in life

But that aside, things have picked up for me a little, when I’m low, I have a habit of packing away all my things, but I’ve put everything back again, an I’m really positive about learning how to drive, mostly as I’m social phobic, it means I wouldn’t have to rely on people to be with me, an also I could leave the house at night, now if I’m home alone, I’m trapped inside from fear, a car will be like freedom

I used to, when I was younger, be so out going an care free, I had the life then, that I crave now, but a lot has changed since then, I’m still the same person on the inside, but my fear has turned my life into a prison, maybe someday I will be able to have a life free from the safety of having others around me, an finally burst this bubble of isolation that I’m living in

I’d like to share another little poem I wrote to end this post, its called ‘stain glass memories;

His past, a broken home, his life a lie, and everything he knows

Just a face without a name, his way of life, the cause to blame

In another life he’d never know, but in his dreams he does though

In himself he’s lost all faith, in his life he’ll have to wait

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