Crystal Staircase

The climb back to the top is always a shaky one, especially if the people you surround yourself with, make you their pray for negativity

I quit smoking today, whether I stick to it or not remains to be seen, but at my aunts, when everyone kept going for a smoke, it made me realise, how I’ve excluded myself from yet another thing, an yet another time when I’m now left alone, but i think I’ve coped well, especially with the usual drama that surrounds me

My older brother had drink on his mind a lot today, they are having a drink tomorrow night, but the thought of it was playing on his mind, I think that’s why he was in a strange mood all day

He kept annoying my aunt, in the way he always does, playful, but after a while having him poke at you, an annoy you all day, you come to the point where you have had enough, but he doesn’t see the harm, an that’s the problem, my aunt snapped, an my brother reacted, calling her names, saying the most hurtful things, an threatening to hit her, it just blew up, its an endless circle that continues to happen

There’s never a dull moment in my family, which you know by now, it settled down, as it always does, but I’m glad I can leave in the evening an come home, if its a choice between staying there, an being left home alone, I’d rather be alone

Talking of alone… As I said in my last post, my mum an step dad did go out, along with a couple of my other family, just gambling, but it sounded like they had fun, while once again I was left behind, I can’t say I wasn’t annoyed listening to them talking about it

I brought it up to my mum, about how I wasn’t invited, an how even at home I’m always alone, as they stay in their room, she didn’t get it, she just said how she’d been in the living room a few times lately, an I could have joined them, but I said how they watch the soaps etc, an that doesn’t interest me, an how they’ve only used the living room like twice this year etc, an also how I’m never invited to the fun stuff, but it wasn’t worth getting into something over nothing, so I let it go

I’m done being the broken record, because the same thing will probably happen tonight again anyway

Tomorrow I was meant to be visiting my younger brother, who is now in prison for the silly things he did while he was drunk, but I’m not going anymore, I’d rather go with my mum an step dad next week, instead of my older brother an his girlfriend tomorrow, if I had a choice, an was really selfish, I wouldn’t go at all, no one gets that its hard for me, they just see it as me doing something wrong

They make me so angry, its almost like they deliberately treat me a certain way to make me feel worse, as if keeping me down, makes them feel better in their misery, the contempt I feel for them at times is even shocking to me, its like the thoughts are planted in my mind, an I only agree

Sometimes I wonder, will I ever escape from this life of drama that I live, but I feel so trapped by my life

I don’t wanna dream about, all the things that never were, but maybe I can live without, when I’m out from under

I don’t wanna feel the pain, what good would it do me now, I’ll get it all figured out, when I’m out from under

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