The Looming Shadow Of ESA

This is more of a dear diary post, it’ll be part one of two posts, the before and after if you want to call it that.

I’m clueless with this sort of thing, that being ESA benefit, an their medical assessments, I have had a couple before but for income support

I’ll just treat this one like I do when I see my own mental health team, an hope for the best, an hopefully by me blogging about this, it will help others who are just as anxious as me about this sort of thing

Today I woke up to a letter from ESA, telling me I had to arrange an appointment with the medical team, I have, an its set for april 4th, ever since, I haven’t been able to think of anything else, it keeps playing in my mind, I keep getting heart palpitations, feeling panicky, an sick, its not for a while, but already its thrown my mind into chaos

Its a normal process, I know that, its just about proving to them, what I already know to be true

I went online, to see how others like me coped with it, everyone spoke of how horrible it was, an how it left them afterwards, about how you’re judged, an asked trick questions, an have to meet a very high standard of mental illness to be awarded the benefit, I’m already really nervous

Family can take me, an come in with me, but I know I’ll have to self medicate, otherwise I won’t be able to cope, I won’t go otherwise, I couldn’t, my anxiety an social phobia would make it near impossible, the noise inside my head would drive me crazy

I know its not the best idea, to overdose on medication, but I’ve already warned them I’d have to do that on the form I had to fill in for them, regardless, my mental state is more important to me than money, at any point in the medical if i feel too uncomfortable, or it becomes too much an I can’t cope, I’ll get up an leave an they can fail me

If the worst happens, an I fail, I’ll get by somehow, I’ll appeal, an appeal goes more on my medical evidence than what I say, but we’ll see, I’ll just have to put it to the back of my mind, an cross that bridge when I get to it

In another blow, Dr C phoned an has cut me off diazepam, she was very rude about it, an almost made it seem like I was some kind of junkie! but later in a call with my mum, she said sorry, she just didn’t want to be the one responsible for getting me addicted to them, its almost like the medical world is against me!

I’ll just have to ride this wave like all the others, an come out the other side hopefully unscathed

Read the follow-up blog to see how it all went for me in ‘The Looming Shadow Of ESA #2’


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