Lifes Eternal Maze

What is it about life, that makes us wonder where we belong, where we fit in, makes us feel lost, with nowhere to turn, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, makes us feel so alone, so vulnerable, confused, and sometimes scared to live

Its beautiful outside today, the sun is shining, an there’s a strong wind, my favourite kind of day, it always makes me think of walking on the beach, the waves lapping on the sand, its like my ‘happy place’ it always has been, there has always been something about water that’s always felt like home for me, my place of calm in a storm

I feel left behind today, forgotten by my doctor, but then am I surprised, no…

Dr H, was meant to write me a letter, so I could have a home visit from ESA, it needed to be sent in four days before my assessment, which is on the 22nd, I needed it tomorrow at the latest, but he forgot, an is now off until friday, now it would be down to Dr C

Dr C, I feel has always been out to get me, accusing me trying to blackmail her, cutting me off medication that actually was helping me, an causing my latest breakdown, I’m wise to her now, she’s always been against me from day one, I haven’t seen her for about a year now, so she has no clue what I’m going through, an I’d rather suffer than to get any help from her, that’s if she was even willing to help me, which I doubt

Sometimes its true, that the people you hate the most, often teach you the most valuable lessons in life

Looks like I’ll have to attend the ESA appointment, with no one really willing it seems to come with me, the appointment is that early, I think I’d have to get a school bus, I mean really, me plus social phobia plus a school bus, can you really see it, cause I don’t, its causing me so much stress, but does my doctor, or anyone see or understand that, sadly no, an a taxi would cost quite a bit

It might not seem like a big deal to some, but for me it is, an it doesn’t help that i’m really fragile at the moment

My family and i, it feels like we’re like strangers, I guess we always have been, they spend so much time comparing each other, when we are nothing alike

On the night I came home after my friends birthday, which I didn’t mention before, I overdosed, an passed out, my brain/mind, an heart haven’t felt right ever since, Dr H, and the doctor on call wanted me to go to A&E, but I haven’t

I saw him on friday, that’s when he said he’d take care of the letter I needed, an also to get the crisis team to see me, of which I’ve had neither, its a common theme with him, he constantly forgets things, an needs constant reminders, he just doesn’t seem to take his job seriously, I’m always having to pick up his slack

When I feel this way, I like to deal with it by imagining myself the day after the thing that’s worrying me, its all behind me, I’ve already lived it, it helps a little

Its scary that at times a part of me dies inside, but emotions aren’t always just black and white


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