The Looming Shadow Of ESA #2

Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape

I’ve had a few stressful days lately, my emotions an how I feel have been up an down, an all over the place, on sunday I went an visited my younger brother in prison, its always so stressful, an I always have to self medicate, because the journey is long to begin with, then there’s the guards who have to frisk you, an you have to be sniffed by a drugs dog, among giving your fingerprint an other things, you have to sit at a table in a crowded room with all the other prisoners an their families, so its one long day of anxiety!

Yesterday I had my assessment with a doctor for ESA, I was so nervous, an also disappointed with my family, none of them wanted to come with me, especially my mum, mostly from the fear of being seen with me, that it would affect her when it came to her time for an assessment, but my brothers girlfriend, who is also my friend, came with me, so I wasn’t alone, an I’m really grateful to her

I was up at 7:45, as my appointment was at 9:50, some of you might raise an eyebrow at this, but I self medicated, an also had some vodka, to settle my nerves, an also to give me confidence

When i got there, i was very grateful it was a lady, I’ve always been able to open up more to women doctors etc, she asked me a few questions, an she must have felt sorry for me, because she kept calling me ‘pet’ an ‘darling’ after a while I broke down, which I always do when I feel overwhelmed, I managed to pull it together, but not for long, yes, I broke down again!

At this point she went to get my friend to come in an sit with me, while they were away, I went an hide on the floor, in the corner of the room, behind a medical curtain, don’t ask me why, I think the tablets an alcohol weren’t a good mix, an I was freaking out

The voices in my head were telling me I was a disgrace, an i was repeating over an over again ‘I tried my best’ when the doctor an my friend came in, she asked me who I was talking to, I replied ‘a friend’ an that I didn’t want to talk about it, I must have came across like I was completely crazy, but I couldn’t help it, I was having like an out of body experience, an I couldn’t control myself, I just lost all control

The doctor I guess cut the appointment short because i was pretty much a mess, she asked my friend a few questions, an also asked could she get me home ok, as I left, I suddenly hugged the doctor for some reason, I’m guessing she smelt the vodka from me (I lost my chewing gum before I went in) its kind of a blur really, I’ll just have to wait an see what happens

I just want everyone to know, don’t believe what you read online about ESA assessments, from my personal experience, everyone I met were so nice to me, although I was a wreck from over-thinking it beforehand, it was all fine

The best way to go about it, is by treating it like any other appointment, an to bring someone with you for support, its strangely a lonely experience, next time I’ll go normally, I just allowed others to make me afraid of what was to come

To be honest, it was all the people who didn’t get awarded ESA that wrote the negative comments, perhaps through spite an feeling bitter

Since my appointment, I’ve been feeling strange, I think I’m just ‘lifed out’ all the stress an anxiety have wiped me out

Though every day lately, simple things, like just brushing my teeth, remind me that I’m alive, an how much I hate it, everyday I’m alive I die a little more inside, I can’t even remember the person I used to be anymore, I’m just an empty shell, an emotional wreck one day, and an empty emotionless void the next

I’ve also mentioned many times now about how I’m feeling really distanced from my family, I just feel so apart from them, lately I can’t really stand to be around them, the constant drama that goes on when we are around each other, I don’t need it in my life, an i think its best I take a few days away from them, it will make my life more isolated, but I can still go into town etc, just to get out of the house

I just know that something has to happen soon, or I’m afraid I’m going to constantly feel this way, an maybe one day lose control all together

since this post, I have been awarded ESA, an will begin to receive it from the 4th of june

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