Inner Demons

I knew that I had come face to face with some one whose mere personality was so fascinating that, if I allowed it to do so, it would absorb my whole nature, my whole soul

I’ve spoken a little before about the ‘other side’ of myself, like a split personality, but also a part of who I am, its something I still don’t understand yet, for now though, I’m convinced its my raw emotions that bring me to a state of mind that feels like I’m not in control

I’ve only briefly mentioned it to my mental health team, I told them, that all the bad within me, the mental illness, all the emotions and impulses, the chaos, and all the anger and rebellion, I’ve named tylar, an it has somehow taken on a life of its own, an as I’ve mentioned above, I don’t understand it myself

Its strange at times I get lost in my own head, an that other side of me takes over, an its like I’m looking on at someone I don’t know, and can’t really control, an when it passes, I’m left with all the guilt from the thoughts an actions done in those times, by that other side of myself

I don’t know what brings it on, hurt I guess, in those times, all i can feel is the hatred, and the anger, everyone is my enemy, everyone is against me, an the only person I can trust an rely on is myself, I wish everyone around me would disappear, people are only there to be used for my needs, I get tempted by danger, an crazy ideas, I sometimes get the most horrible thoughts about people, with a little self punishment in there too

It yearns to be free, for revenge, it loves being surrounded by the chaos of life, and the pain of others, it can be scary how cruel it is sometimes, or should I say he is, Even though it feels completely separate from me, could it really just be me, an I can’t except the truth, am I just in a strange state of denial

I could feel it growing inside me for a long time, in my paranoid, delusional states, I believed there was something evil inside me, like a demon, or some spirit possessing me, which I know now to not be true, but I still can’t help believe it a little, its like something other than me, is clinging onto the idea

I know its a dangerous part of me, its like a poison, a part of me that gives me a high, with a seductive desire

We all have inner demons, a darker side that we all need to fight, there are so many things we bottle up an run from in life, the things we don’t have the strength to deal with, eventually its going to come out in some way, anger, hurting the people around us, isolation, I guess with me, everything I’ve ever buried has found its own way

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