Transition: At A Crossroads

Transition is change, an change is transition

I’d like to imagine that this picture represents an angel, trying so hard to be free, the rope behind her back kept her bound an trapped, but she escaped its hold, now finally free, the world is hers, she’s looking out at the water with hope, an once again, a heart full of dreams

I know what I want in life, but its about actually getting there, an the journey in between, though there always seems to be some outside force that’s hell bent on holding me back, I take a step forward, an get knocked two steps back again

I’ve learned never to give up hope, or trying, because I’ve always known that I’ve wanted more for myself than this life, an the cards I’ve been dealt, but really, learning to appreciate what we already have is the key, only then will we not have the let downs an heartbreaks of life, because we already have all we need, an anything else is just a bonus along the way

That doesn’t mean that its wrong to want more, to be a little selfish sometimes, why shouldn’t we, in my case, an perhaps like you, when you think this way, an feel guilt, something always happens to justify our feelings

I get bad days, who doesn’t, but with mental illness, everything is less straight forward than your average person, but its those days that really open my eyes, there’s no ‘rose tinted view’ of the world, an I see things for how they really are

How do I see my life, how would I describe it to a stranger, to you

I spend quite a lot of time around my close family, to much I guess, an this blog has become a sort of ‘reality show’ of our lives, but there is a lot of tension, an you always feel it, mum an I have our, not fall outs, but disagreements, we are both stubborn, if we have a view, we think we are right, an it becomes a sort of tug of war an things said back an forward, to ‘one up’ the other an I guess feel like we’ve won

My younger brother is in prison, an my older brother an his anger are to the point where no one really wants to be around him, his anger is sparked by the silliest of things, that’s why I don’t visit as often anymore

My aunt, my older brothers girlfriend, an my step dad, aren’t really people I can talk to, although I’m close to them, they are kind of just like ‘back ground noise’, I don’t think they are really seen as valued within the ‘family group’ but that’s only from what I know an see

Its this tedious, day in day out mundane life that makes me feel trapped an isolated, an with my social phobia, it only restricts my life even more, over the last few weeks, I’ve been trying harder to meet new people, but new friendships break down over a short time, because I don’t give enough of myself I guess, an I seem to get bored very easily with new people, i’m not a bad person, its just how I am, an I can’t help it sometimes

Right now, I feel so apart from the rest of the world, I feel alien among my family an the people who know me, its like I’ve awoken from a trance, an I’m the only one, everyone else runs along in their every day life, like everyone is on fast forward an I’m walking through the crowd in slow motion

Change comes at a price, but its change that can make you feel like you’re finally alive, with a life to live of your own, I’m ready to take the steps to begin a new life, to have a life again, an maybe finally find myself along the way

Transition

FEARLESS…is much more than just being UNAFRAID…it means that you’re WEAK and acknowledge it, it means you’re STRONG enough to get back up and MOVE ON. Fearless means you are READY to FACE whatever is headed your way

Its sad when people come into your life, you let your guard down, an form a bond, but ultimately they leave, broken ties that never repair, but a lesson can be learned from each new person who has come an gone, without you even knowing at the time, someone who meant nothing could have just changed your life

I put to much faith in people sometimes, I allow myself to see a future, to hope an with wishful thinking that my life is changing for the better, but either way I’m a stronger person now, learning everyday, but have been taught a lot too, with drama never to far away, never a dull moment, or time to catch my breath

Changing is transition, an transition is change, which is where I find myself at the moment, an so inspired this post

My life is changing, its the mistakes I’ve made that are shaping my future, but you only run out of chances when you stop taking them

I still don’t know where the path of life will lead me, the good thing is, I’m ready to take the risks, I feel positive, an at least for today, alive ~

Last weekend, I fell into old habits again, drinking, among other things, surrounded by people that I know to see, an have crossed paths with before, but people who are trapped in a life cycle of ‘live for today’ an people who don’t really care, yet are living the way they want to, if that makes them happy, then good, but its not the life for me

I’ve said that before, yet done it all again, I believe its ok though, once in a while, to just let go, completely, its a way of wiping the slate clean, an in a way to begin fresher

After that, I felt renewed, I was shown a life that I could easily slip into, if I allowed myself too, I’ve been taking better care of myself, an I feel better for it

Yesterday mum, my step dad, an I went to take my brother to portrush, his girlfriend also came along, as you know he’s in prison, for silly things he did while drunk (I’ve mentioned this all before in past posts) with good behaviour, he’s now allowed out for six hours every two weeks, an soon it will be three days, up until his release in september, it was a good day, again it was another type of escape for me, an another chance to push myself in a different situation

As I also mentioned before, I was awarded ESA, so that was good news, now I know I’m secure for a while at least, I see it as a safety net, a means of living without the stress an fear of pushing myself to actually live beyond what I can cope with, if that makes sense

I’ve been quite quiet though i guess, lying low, an taking time for myself, yet making plans to better my life, by meeting new people, an arranging time away, an nights out, a way to broaden my life beyond the constant stress, drama an dilemmas of my family

My older brother has just found out his girlfriend is pregnant, an already its been mostly the source of rows an fall outs between them, with his Illness, an love of alcohol, he’s not really seen as a good role model, an is afraid social services will take any chance of being a dad away from him, an in the long run losing his girlfriend too, so in a way I don’t blame him, he’s afraid, his future is uncertain, in a few months his life will change forever, one way or the other

At the moment in life, things don’t seem as clouded, some people are happy with their choices, they don’t want to change, an some don’t have the option, for now, I do, an that’s a good start to hopefully taking my choices, an changing my life

The only thing a person can ever really do is keep moving forward. Take that big leap forward without hesitation, without once looking back. Simply forget the past and forge toward the future