Transition: At A Crossroads

Transition is change, an change is transition

I’d like to imagine that this picture represents an angel, trying so hard to be free, the rope behind her back kept her bound an trapped, but she escaped its hold, now finally free, the world is hers, she’s looking out at the water with hope, an once again, a heart full of dreams

I know what I want in life, but its about actually getting there, an the journey in between, though there always seems to be some outside force that’s hell bent on holding me back, I take a step forward, an get knocked two steps back again

I’ve learned never to give up hope, or trying, because I’ve always known that I’ve wanted more for myself than this life, an the cards I’ve been dealt, but really, learning to appreciate what we already have is the key, only then will we not have the let downs an heartbreaks of life, because we already have all we need, an anything else is just a bonus along the way

That doesn’t mean that its wrong to want more, to be a little selfish sometimes, why shouldn’t we, in my case, an perhaps like you, when you think this way, an feel guilt, something always happens to justify our feelings

I get bad days, who doesn’t, but with mental illness, everything is less straight forward than your average person, but its those days that really open my eyes, there’s no ‘rose tinted view’ of the world, an I see things for how they really are

How do I see my life, how would I describe it to a stranger, to you

I spend quite a lot of time around my close family, to much I guess, an this blog has become a sort of ‘reality show’ of our lives, but there is a lot of tension, an you always feel it, mum an I have our, not fall outs, but disagreements, we are both stubborn, if we have a view, we think we are right, an it becomes a sort of tug of war an things said back an forward, to ‘one up’ the other an I guess feel like we’ve won

My younger brother is in prison, an my older brother an his anger are to the point where no one really wants to be around him, his anger is sparked by the silliest of things, that’s why I don’t visit as often anymore

My aunt, my older brothers girlfriend, an my step dad, aren’t really people I can talk to, although I’m close to them, they are kind of just like ‘back ground noise’, I don’t think they are really seen as valued within the ‘family group’ but that’s only from what I know an see

Its this tedious, day in day out mundane life that makes me feel trapped an isolated, an with my social phobia, it only restricts my life even more, over the last few weeks, I’ve been trying harder to meet new people, but new friendships break down over a short time, because I don’t give enough of myself I guess, an I seem to get bored very easily with new people, i’m not a bad person, its just how I am, an I can’t help it sometimes

Right now, I feel so apart from the rest of the world, I feel alien among my family an the people who know me, its like I’ve awoken from a trance, an I’m the only one, everyone else runs along in their every day life, like everyone is on fast forward an I’m walking through the crowd in slow motion

Change comes at a price, but its change that can make you feel like you’re finally alive, with a life to live of your own, I’m ready to take the steps to begin a new life, to have a life again, an maybe finally find myself along the way


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