Summertime Sadness

Alone time is when I distance myself from the voices of the world, so I can hear my own

I wish that when I was younger, that someone had warned me about life, to better prepare me for what was to come, but even so, I guess nothing can really prepare you, we just live naively an cross the bridges of life when we reach them

I was in a happier place for a while, life was going good, but something changed, an I’m two steps back from a stride ahead, but that’s life, there will always be something that happens to bring you back down to earth, an sometimes with a bang

I think I allow other people to affect me too much, I allow other people to wear me down, to the point where I feel emotionally drained, at that point there isn’t anywhere to go but down, you don’t have the energy, it becomes a gateway for the depression to sink back in an take its hold again, sometimes by the time you realise you no longer feel like yourself, its too late, you go into a strange spiral, an you start to question everything that was going good in your life, until you dig yourself into a deeper hole of your own making

I’ve gradually allowed bad habits to creep back in, becoming lazy on my diet, an with my appearance again, pushing people away, an wanting to be alone more often

My home life has always had its ups an downs, lately mums been having off days, she’s come across more cranky, an a little snappy, I’ve mentioned it to her, to which she said she hadn’t noticed, I get the feeling when I talk to her she switches off from the conversation, then there’s my step dad who always seems to leave the room when I’m there

Visiting my aunts, my older brother shouts a lot, an starts rows over the silliest of things, mostly directed toward my aunt, sometimes his girlfriend too, I feel sorry for them sometimes, having to live with that on a daily basis, it can’t be easy, it makes the atmosphere so uncomfortable

Mum an I might as well not be there anymore, as everyone stays in different rooms, its almost like being in two places at once in a way, we’re there, but we might as well not be, more an more now I just don’t feel like I want to be there, it puts you off wanting to visit at all

My aunt has been getting closer with a guy she’s known her whole life, an also kinda had a thing with years ago, I’m happy for her, but at the same time, it reminds me how everyone in our close family is paired off, an I’m the one who’s still alone, I’ve tried, but its like its not meant to be for me, which I’m ok with, for now anyway, I guess I’m not really in the right place for a relationship, an I know if I was, at this moment in time, it would be for the wrong reasons, an I’d probably be using the other person as a substitute for happiness

As you know, my younger brother is in prison, an for good behaviour he started getting days away to come home, but he got those privileges taken away, when he an another prisoner put toothpaste down a urinal, it sounds so silly, but my guess is, that the toothpaste was used to perhaps hide the smell of smoking something illegal, if you know what I mean, but that’s only my opinion, he doesn’t seem to care anyway, all he is interested in is getting money

He has five weeks left to go, an it might sound cruel, but I won’t be visiting him for the remainder, everything you have to go through beforehand before you even see him, an to be honest, he got himself into this position, so I feel no guilt

Sometimes with mental illness, things that seem so meaningless, begin to have too much meaning, a snowball affect until you’re snowed under, luckily in life we were born with a shovel known as inner strength an determination, to keep fighting each day, even when it feels like we have given up, an eventually dig our way back to the top, an hopefully leave our struggles buried behind us