Cabin Fever

I feel like the walls are closing in on me, in the past I used to stay in the house for days on end, I loved to close myself off from the rest of the world, but lately I hate it, being closed in, an even though my mum an step dad are here, I might as well be by myself, i hate being in their company, it can be so mind numbing

I think living here isn’t in my best interest any longer, I’m tired of my mums current personality traits, I’m usually upstairs, but if I go downstairs, I might pop my head into the living room an say hello etc, but I might as well be talking to an empty room

She’s a glutton for sympathy, I’m tired of hearing about her pains an how she feels ill all the time, I hope all is well, but at the same time, god forbid anyone else is sick, if she lived a healthier lifestyle, she wouldn’t have so many complaints, i just roll my eyes an ignore her

My step dad has been ‘trained’ to within an inch of his life an spends most of the time jumping through hoops, its like he’s also a son an not a husband, its like he’s lost his back bone, he’s pretty pathetic to be honest, but I won’t end up that way, I don’t take orders, I choose my own path

Usually I’d only go out if she was also, as I have social phobia, I sort of relied on the company, but lately she’d rather stay in, its forced me to go out alone, so I guess its a good thing, to get out, an not to need her, it might not seem like much too some, but to do things for myself, by myself is a big thing for me, an it makes me feel more like a normal person

Mum an I sort of had a disagreement today, its not even worth telling you about, but that’s what’s opened my eyes, the way she acted an the comments she made were so immature for a women her age, but that’s just her, she’s just a walking contradiction, an I find myself becoming more distant, she has her set mind an rarely gives an inch, she bores me now an I’m done with her, yes she’s my mum, but why should I go out of my way

I grew up in care, which I’ve mentioned before, but some people won’t know my back story unless they read my blog, illness aside, that’s why I’m still at home

I guess them being near an in their 50’s makes it harder for me, its not a big deal, but they aren’t really fun anymore, they don’t go or do very much, work, clean the house an bingo for a gamble is about it, we have nothing in common

Its strange, I’ve felt this way for quite a while now, not only with my mum, but with all my close family, I’m just over all of them an their drama, my uncle once told me, that they are like dead weights, an they’ll only pull me down if I stay around them, an he was right, denial an emotion can be blinding

I’m still a little angry after today, an with how I’m feeling lately only makes me hold a bigger grudge, once I ‘get a grip’ an tell myself its not a big deal, an that this period of my life is only temporary, I’ll be fine

A Shadow In The Fray

We all carry these things inside, that no-one else can see, they hold us down like anchors, an drown us out at sea

I’ve been in a strange spiral over the last week or so, I’ve been very low, emotional an insecure, which led to a lot of self punishment an desperation, trying to find happiness in others, only to be hit with rejection, gambling all my money, then trying to block everything out by drinking an taking drugs over the weekend

I do feel guilty, its not how I want to live my life, the lure of escape can be hard to resist, but with any happiness that’s forced an that doesn’t last, comes with a price

I came home on sunday morning, an since then I haven’t left the house, I know I’m not myself at the moment, life has lost its appeal, an I find myself wanting to be alone an sleep all the time but can’t

I feel lost, confused, alive, but not living, its strange when depressed, everything around you becomes so meaningless, but also really frightening at the same time, you’re in the presence of familiar things an surroundings, but everything seems changed an different somehow

Everything is louder, an more annoying, its hard to find enjoyment in something without getting bored an frustrated, you’re always too warm, an everything feels uncomfortable on your skin

I’m finding it hard to cope with reality, I feel uneasy an uncomfortable all the time, uncomfortable even in my own skin, I feel so apart from myself that I can’t do anything, there’s a block there, the thought of doing anything, or being apart of anything, makes me feel like it would take too much energy, energy that I don’t have

To make things worse, the chemist ran out of seroquel, so I haven’t had any since friday, they don’t do much for my moods, but they do help to regulate my sleep, so you can guess what its been like without them, with broken sleep, I’m exhausted, an now during the day I’m finding it hard to function an keep my thoughts together

I feel myself coming around a little, I just have to ride the waves until I find my calm again

Sometimes my mood lifts, an I go into a strange state of denial, I create a bubble around myself, tell myself that life is good, an that I’m happy, an for a while it works, it might not be real, but even so, I want to be in that place right now