A Shadow In The Fray

We all carry these things inside, that no-one else can see, they hold us down like anchors, an drown us out at sea

I’ve been in a strange spiral over the last week or so, I’ve been very low, emotional an insecure, which led to a lot of self punishment an desperation, trying to find happiness in others, only to be hit with rejection, gambling all my money, then trying to block everything out by drinking an taking drugs over the weekend

I do feel guilty, its not how I want to live my life, the lure of escape can be hard to resist, but with any happiness that’s forced an that doesn’t last, comes with a price

I came home on sunday morning, an since then I haven’t left the house, I know I’m not myself at the moment, life has lost its appeal, an I find myself wanting to be alone an sleep all the time but can’t

I feel lost, confused, alive, but not living, its strange when depressed, everything around you becomes so meaningless, but also really frightening at the same time, you’re in the presence of familiar things an surroundings, but everything seems changed an different somehow

Everything is louder, an more annoying, its hard to find enjoyment in something without getting bored an frustrated, you’re always too warm, an everything feels uncomfortable on your skin

I’m finding it hard to cope with reality, I feel uneasy an uncomfortable all the time, uncomfortable even in my own skin, I feel so apart from myself that I can’t do anything, there’s a block there, the thought of doing anything, or being apart of anything, makes me feel like it would take too much energy, energy that I don’t have

To make things worse, the chemist ran out of seroquel, so I haven’t had any since friday, they don’t do much for my moods, but they do help to regulate my sleep, so you can guess what its been like without them, with broken sleep, I’m exhausted, an now during the day I’m finding it hard to function an keep my thoughts together

I feel myself coming around a little, I just have to ride the waves until I find my calm again

Sometimes my mood lifts, an I go into a strange state of denial, I create a bubble around myself, tell myself that life is good, an that I’m happy, an for a while it works, it might not be real, but even so, I want to be in that place right now

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