Cabin Fever

I feel like the walls are closing in on me, in the past I used to stay in the house for days on end, I loved to close myself off from the rest of the world, but lately I hate it, being closed in, an even though my mum an step dad are here, I might as well be by myself, i hate being in their company, it can be so mind numbing

I think living here isn’t in my best interest any longer, I’m tired of my mums current personality traits, I’m usually upstairs, but if I go downstairs, I might pop my head into the living room an say hello etc, but I might as well be talking to an empty room

She’s a glutton for sympathy, I’m tired of hearing about her pains an how she feels ill all the time, I hope all is well, but at the same time, god forbid anyone else is sick, if she lived a healthier lifestyle, she wouldn’t have so many complaints, i just roll my eyes an ignore her

My step dad has been ‘trained’ to within an inch of his life an spends most of the time jumping through hoops, its like he’s also a son an not a husband, its like he’s lost his back bone, he’s pretty pathetic to be honest, but I won’t end up that way, I don’t take orders, I choose my own path

Usually I’d only go out if she was also, as I have social phobia, I sort of relied on the company, but lately she’d rather stay in, its forced me to go out alone, so I guess its a good thing, to get out, an not to need her, it might not seem like much too some, but to do things for myself, by myself is a big thing for me, an it makes me feel more like a normal person

Mum an I sort of had a disagreement today, its not even worth telling you about, but that’s what’s opened my eyes, the way she acted an the comments she made were so immature for a women her age, but that’s just her, she’s just a walking contradiction, an I find myself becoming more distant, she has her set mind an rarely gives an inch, she bores me now an I’m done with her, yes she’s my mum, but why should I go out of my way

I grew up in care, which I’ve mentioned before, but some people won’t know my back story unless they read my blog, illness aside, that’s why I’m still at home

I guess them being near an in their 50’s makes it harder for me, its not a big deal, but they aren’t really fun anymore, they don’t go or do very much, work, clean the house an bingo for a gamble is about it, we have nothing in common

Its strange, I’ve felt this way for quite a while now, not only with my mum, but with all my close family, I’m just over all of them an their drama, my uncle once told me, that they are like dead weights, an they’ll only pull me down if I stay around them, an he was right, denial an emotion can be blinding

I’m still a little angry after today, an with how I’m feeling lately only makes me hold a bigger grudge, once I ‘get a grip’ an tell myself its not a big deal, an that this period of my life is only temporary, I’ll be fine


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