A Little More Personal

I have strange thoughts sometimes, I started thinking, I was a mistake, I was never planned, an my life has been lived the same way, maybe I’m always trying to justify my life to myself, my choices, my decisions and mistakes

I’ve gone through many emotions in the last couple of weeks, its been a rollercoaster of ups an downs, with a strange state of confusion an frustration, an times where I zone out an feel like I’ve been drugged, i’ve also been struggling with the jarring feeling of separation, being present, yet feeling apart from situations

Last week (friday) I was back to bad habits, back to being ‘tylar’ with drink and shamefully drugs, the price of escape isn’t worth it, but its one I yet again chose to pay, it was my older brothers birthday, an also the day my younger brother was released from prison, so it was the perfect excuse

I can’t say I enjoyed it, the atmosphere wasn’t right, with constant fall outs, an not being able to get a word in over certain people, I spent a lot of time drifting off to a bedroom alone, wishing I had an easy way to get home

To make it clearer, I only experiment with drugs (Meth, although I have also taken ecstasy many years ago) an not that it makes it right, or ok, I have only taken it while drinking, an at the most, it only happens 2-3 times a year, so its not a problem for me, an never has been, its an escape

Its ok in the beginning, you feel happier, an it makes you want to be apart of things, it makes you more confident an you have no worries, life seems better, time seems to go by quickly without you even noticing, but after a while you’re only taking it to stay awake, when its over, you haven’t slept, you haven’t eaten, you haven’t washed, an you feel like crap

I tell myself all the time that I’ll never touch drugs again, but in the moment an after a few drinks, that goes out the window, I think you get caught up in the moment an you don’t want the night to end, it gives you something you don’t get in real life, but its not worth it

As I mentioned, my younger brother is finally home, and our small close knit family is whole again, though having him home again has brought out a lot of insecurities in myself, I was always the thin brother, but now with less self control, I’ve become the heaviest, with my height you wouldn’t think I was over weight, but I am, an I’m not happy, it doesn’t help that my younger brother tells me so, not in a mean way, but even so, he’s just a little forward, as am I, i guess, which can be a problem sometimes

I do get complimented a lot, that I’m a really nice person, an that I’m clever, an most new people I meet do grow to really like me in a short space of time, yet I can’t help but feel that I’d like to offer something a bit more than that

I need to work on myself, to find stability in my life without finding other ways to escape and forget, hopefully someday I will, an in a way where I don’t feel ashamed an with regret

Addictive Escape

what is life, but a number of days lived, with a race to the finish, where you return to a state of when you started

I feel lately like the little things weigh me down an over stress me, being inside for long periods of time starts to drive me up the walls, frustration an boredom build to drive me crazy, my current spiral sees me with any chance I’ve had to go out an gamble, an when I have no money left, I stay in, its a start an finish battle with boredom, the need to escape but only having limited options

There has been luck, over the last couple of weeks I’ve won hundreds of pound, most of which I gave away to family an returned to the machines, though just yesterday, my name was pulled in a prize draw, which saw me win a 40 inch flat screen tv, worth £500, I guess its the rush I crave, a sort of high that I can’t seem to get in my life

My mum offered to buy the tv, because I feel its a little too big for my taste, when she offered her smaller tv, along with money, the first thing I thought was, I can gamble with that, so I know I have a problem, I was addicted to gambling in the past, it was the constant losing that snapped me out of it back then, but now that I’m on more money, its harder, I know that I’m using it as an escape, an as something to fill a part of myself that’s empty

My life has been a long list of many addictions, when it wasn’t gambling it was dieting an eating disorders, I wanted nothing more than to be thin, before that it was obsessively cleaning, I even bought my own cleaning products to clean other peoples houses, at one point I was drinking three maybe four days a week, as much as I could afford too, or it was wrinkle creams, I was obsessed with ageing, it bordered on body dysmorphia, so I’ve come full circle again, I think I’m just always going to need something to replace what’s missing in other parts of my life

Other Life Updates

I rang up today to cancel a meeting my legal teams opposition arranged for me, I just can’t be bothered to be honest, with that, perhaps the whole case, I’m still angry over my past, what social services took from me, an how it left me, its been going on for over 8 years now, an is due to end in court in february next year, but this case now feels like I’ve been linked to that past ever since, its keeping me tied to it

My legal team never see it my way, I was told that it could now look like I’m not interested or taking the case seriously, an that the legal team from the other side can apply to have the case thrown out, even though its the first time I’ve cancelled something they have arranged for me in the whole 8 years, they also said that I could be hit with a fee for cancelling, anywhere upwards of £100, an that it’ll hold up my case, a whole lot of talk that came across as blackmail, I’ve felt for a long time that they never take into account how I’m feeling, how my illness affects me at times, an are only interested in winning, an money

All the while spending money, like the thousands they spent a few months ago flying in a special psychologist from manchester, an putting her up in a hotel, just to better facilitate my appointment, yet don’t even offer me the £15 bus fair to travel the 50 miles to attend it, I’ve never been fooled into thinking its me they care about, its the end result, its not my money that pays them, its legal aid, so I’m just a cash cow with a possible jackpot

On a lighter, happier note, my older brothers birthday is on friday, the same day my younger brother is released from prison, so we are going away for the day, an I’m looking forward to that

I have been going out a lot more lately, for the better or worse, an it started taking its toll, having to be ‘on’ all the time, an with my personality, it takes up a lot of energy, but I’m ok now, in a time of negatives an worries, there are a few little positives in my life to hold onto