A Little More Personal

I have strange thoughts sometimes, I started thinking, I was a mistake, I was never planned, an my life has been lived the same way, maybe I’m always trying to justify my life to myself, my choices, my decisions and mistakes

I’ve gone through many emotions in the last couple of weeks, its been a rollercoaster of ups an downs, with a strange state of confusion an frustration, an times where I zone out an feel like I’ve been drugged, i’ve also been struggling with the jarring feeling of separation, being present, yet feeling apart from situations

Last week (friday) I was back to bad habits, back to being ‘tylar’ with drink and shamefully drugs, the price of escape isn’t worth it, but its one I yet again chose to pay, it was my older brothers birthday, an also the day my younger brother was released from prison, so it was the perfect excuse

I can’t say I enjoyed it, the atmosphere wasn’t right, with constant fall outs, an not being able to get a word in over certain people, I spent a lot of time drifting off to a bedroom alone, wishing I had an easy way to get home

To make it clearer, I only experiment with drugs (Meth, although I have also taken ecstasy many years ago) an not that it makes it right, or ok, I have only taken it while drinking, an at the most, it only happens 2-3 times a year, so its not a problem for me, an never has been, its an escape

Its ok in the beginning, you feel happier, an it makes you want to be apart of things, it makes you more confident an you have no worries, life seems better, time seems to go by quickly without you even noticing, but after a while you’re only taking it to stay awake, when its over, you haven’t slept, you haven’t eaten, you haven’t washed, an you feel like crap

I tell myself all the time that I’ll never touch drugs again, but in the moment an after a few drinks, that goes out the window, I think you get caught up in the moment an you don’t want the night to end, it gives you something you don’t get in real life, but its not worth it

As I mentioned, my younger brother is finally home, and our small close knit family is whole again, though having him home again has brought out a lot of insecurities in myself, I was always the thin brother, but now with less self control, I’ve become the heaviest, with my height you wouldn’t think I was over weight, but I am, an I’m not happy, it doesn’t help that my younger brother tells me so, not in a mean way, but even so, he’s just a little forward, as am I, i guess, which can be a problem sometimes

I do get complimented a lot, that I’m a really nice person, an that I’m clever, an most new people I meet do grow to really like me in a short space of time, yet I can’t help but feel that I’d like to offer something a bit more than that

I need to work on myself, to find stability in my life without finding other ways to escape and forget, hopefully someday I will, an in a way where I don’t feel ashamed an with regret


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