Into Darkness

Anyone with a mental illness will know that the mind can play tricks an give us false hope, many times I’ll drift off into day dreams, an live in dreams of fantasy, mostly plans for the future that I’ll begin to believe

Walking home from town, all the negative versions of my life were playing over an over in my head, i got very emotional, a big reason is my eating, i’m back on the binge wagon! I’ve suffered from an eating disorder as far back as I can remember

I was always the skinner brother, so its hard to know I’m now the heaviest one, I can’t even wear certain clothes anymore, some of my jeans now cut into my skin, an some tops are becoming too tight, I was making an effort to look better for a while, but I just don’t seem to have the energy lately

It doesn’t help that i take seroquel, maybe not for everyone, but for me, sometimes it leaves me like a zombie, so tired an with barely any energy

My eating disorder is like a scale that swings back and forward, right now its heavily weighing on the excessive side, these days i’m eating up to £15s worth of junk a day, on top of meals, I guess lately I find more happiness in a bar of chocolate or at the bottom of a crisp packet

Its gotten to the point where I’m paranoid about my eating, I’ll go to a different shop sometimes so the people working there won’t see me buying all this junk everyday, an I’ll ask for a bag for life, or the bag to be doubled so people can’t see inside as I walk home

The walk tires me out so much now, I’ve become so unhealthy, my heart beating, an my breathing is heavy, not to mention how warm I get, I’m 6ft 2, so for now I can just about get away with the weight I’m gaining, the longer I go on, the longer it will take to get back to where I’m happy again, but I just can’t seem to stop

I fool myself into thinking I can stop at anytime, but I know its just an excuse to give in to the temptation, at times I’ll feel genuinely happier, but on reflection I’ve just found something else to channel an tap into to make myself feel better

Personally I feel like its beginning to get out of hand, an I’ll have to get some kind of help before it overwhelms me

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One response to “Into Darkness

  1. This is hell and psychiatric medications can fuck us up in ways that are not natural…this is not you!!!!! This is the medication. Go for a new one. My strong recommendation from someone who has been on all of them….

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