Good-Bye 2013

So another year has come and gone again, an I’m taking quite a bit of baggage into 2014 with me from this past year

For a start I will be kicking my butt into action, an losing this extra weight I’ve put on, also to get fit again, now I only walk up the stairs, or get in an out of a car an I’m slightly breathless, I’m always saying ‘I’m so unfit’, quitting smoking would be a big help, I am very unhealthy, I’ve lacked the motivation, an though I don’t like to make excuses, people who take certain medications will know that it can affect your life a lot, some days you resemble some kind of zombie

I’m hoping to learn how to drive also, it would be a big help with my social phobia if I could, I regret not learning sooner, things always deepen my regret further, like today, and everyday, my step dad brings my mum home what she needs, medication, cigarettes etc, where as I needed my medication, but didn’t get out in time to get, an won’t now till thursday

My mum can stay in all day, which she seems to do all the time now, yet can go out with my step dad as he drives, in the evening, as for me, I’m home most days, the fact that they leave me here most of the time, or wouldn’t even ask if I needed anything back from town, to me is selfish

My brothers girlfriend, who you know is also my best friend, took me into town this evening, which I was so grateful for

Despite my mental illness, I’ve always tried to be as independent as possible, I don’t like to rely on others, although the offer of help is nice

I’d like to be happier in the new year, because the true test of happiness, I believe is to look around you, an be content with where you are, who you are, and with what you have, which I’m not right now, my biggest regret is how many years I’ve wasted of my life without accomplishing any of my dreams, I’ve allowed my fears to hold me back

In february I’ll be 28!! I think, where has the time gone, 28 isn’t old, but its a bit late in life to still be thinking about your future, or who you want to be, I guess I’ve never thought of myself as living a real life, if that makes sense, I’ve never thought seriously about my choices, or if I truly deserved anything for myself, I’ve been in this bubble for so long, I’ve never really stepped out alone into the real big world that’s out there

February will also bring my court case against social services, or ‘homefirst’ as they are known, for damages, the case was pushed back from july, so I hope that this time it will go ahead, win or lose, I want this finished and out of my life for good! I hate that in this way its tied me to my past for another ten years

My own place, as scary as that thought is to me, would be good also, but I won’t force anything on myself, perhaps to meet someone special also, but that’s lower on the list for now

These goals, if you want to call them that, are only to make my life better to live, and to be happier within myself, and hopefully other good things will happen in between, which by then will only be added bonuses, but its about baby steps, all I can do is try, like everyone else, I’m still learning, and we are all allowed to make our mistakes, we may never get things totally right, but its about the journey, and the memories made along the way

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The Devils Vomit

So you’re probably wondering about the title right.. Well back when my mum was trying to be a christian, she once called alcohol ‘the devils vomit’, an if you read my blog, you’ll know by now I’m usually creative with my titles

So christmas came, at first I thought of us, my family, being together all day, an I wasn’t overly enthusiastic about the day ahead, but I came around an got ready, but knowing my family there would have to be drama

My step dad had driven up to collect my brother an aunt to bring them down to our house for christmas, then we get a call, its my younger brother.. He wants to bring a girl to our house, I’ll call her Miss L, he met her online, then she lands out of the blue to my aunts (where as you know my brothers also live) she had gone door to door asking where my brother lived (having only known the estate he lived in beforehand) before finding him, supposedly she had been in town from the night before drinking with some friends, I just thought the whole thing was weird, an creepy, and on christmas of all times

I thought, oh great christmas day with a stranger in the house, well this day is ruined for me, I hate strangers, social phobia an all

My step dad ended up having to give miss L money, I guess for her to go home or something, so she ended up not coming to our house, I was relieved

The day went by ok, as well as it could I guess, after a while we all started having a little to drink, when my brother gets a call an we find out that the girl has been hanging around for three hours outside, so we agreed to let her come to our house, by then I was tipsy, an to honest she was a really sweet person

Later that evening we went back to my aunts, minus my mum an step dad, I guess it was to give them peace, it was getting noisy, an drinks were being spilled, an what with my mum being a clean freak

It pretty much was a mess after that, two of my older brothers friends came an joined in, a guy who I’ll call Mr G, an his girlfriend Miss T, I’ve met them before many times, an they’re ok I guess, I get on really well with Miss T

I knew from the start the place was like a ticking time bomb, I had went to my older brothers room at one point, to see where everyone was, an found my younger brother standing there, with Miss L on the bed pulling up her pants ‘we didn’t do anything’ she said, so I knew what kind of a night it was becoming, I think its disgusting when people use other peoples beds for that kind of thing

After that things only got worse, my younger brother and Mr G kept falling out, like they always do, an were going to fight, things were nearly broken in the house with them having to be held back from each other

Eventually my aunt had had enough, an told my younger brother to get Miss L out of her house or she would, my brother started calling my aunt names, they’ve never gotten along really, they had words an then Miss L made some comment, an my aunt shoved her across the living room

No one seemed to like Miss L from the start, they had heard of her, supposedly she lied about being raped, although Miss L says its true, they didn’t want this happening to my brother

Miss T had questioned Miss L about this all earlier in the night, I could tell at this point they weren’t going to be friends, as time past, Miss T turned on her calling her names, from what I know, for no reason, I guess from thinking she was a liar, an drink didn’t help, when Miss L tried to stand up for herself, she was being threatened

My younger brother an Miss T were having words back an forward then, as he was standing up for, by this point his new girlfriend, with drink things between them were moving too fast

Anyway, Miss L said she was going to the police, so to stop her, they said sorry, and got her to calm down

Through all this I was lying down in my brothers room, so thankfully I wasn’t in the middle of it all, it was just a crazy christmas night, I was glad when my step dad came to collect me an I went home, for new years, there will be no drink, for me at least

In the wrong hands, it just ruins everything

Worlds Apart

I haven’t posted in a while, so I decided to at least have one post published before christmas

This post isn’t so much about my life, but about how I’m trying to become more aware in life, to learn from mistakes, an see things from another point of view besides my own

About how mental illness affects my mind-set in daily life, an also how I’m trying to learn to better deal with my emotions, and looking forward

In life, and with mental illness, I believe that we live in two worlds, sometimes in one or the other, sometimes in both, although all metaphorically of course

One is like a strange daze, where you’re almost awake in a dream, there’s nothing around you except what you allow in, you’re not fully aware, its like you’re walking around with your eyes closed, pain and fear wash away, its like a little loop hole in this mental pact with some devil, where you get to be strangely happier for a time, yet you don’t fully acknowledge it

The other, is when life feels like its become too real, you feel everything, you notice everybody, you realise that you are actually alive, living, you feel the pain, an see things for what they truly are, you can see the truth

For me, living in both worlds is when I feel the best, I’m emotionally stronger, I feel grounded, for me right now, I’d say I’m switching from one to the other, I’ll be unaware, then a thought will enter my mind that brings me crashing into reality again, an life for a moment, becomes too real again

By choice lately, I’m taking a step back now and again, an analysing situations in my life, to really understand emotion, my emotions, instead of feeling hurt, or jealous, or even, most importantly like I’m always the victim, I step back and see things from an outside point of view

I’m too quick to judge things on how I’m feeling in that moment, what I’m learning is, is that most of the time I’m in the wrong, which might seem like a bad thing, what I like is that I am still learning, though we never stop learning, age seems to bring more maturity and understanding

There are feelings and emotions that I may never overcome though, like guilt, which I feel at times for other people when really I just feel sorry for them, but for me, it comes in that form, the form of guilt, I also have a lot of anger inside, there’s a bitterness and resentment

At times I’ll want to be on my own, yet not alone, I feel I need peoples attention, yet not attention seeking, I need to feel loved, yet the idea of love scares me, perhaps no one will ever break through the wall that’s guarded me my whole life, but I’m willing to try

Someday I’d like to let go, to be free from the chains of life, from my life, maybe someday I will allow someone in, to be vulnerable, to take that risk

I feel like, if I can become happier in life, then in time those feelings will fade, an I can learn to deal with them, at a time when they are less important, and not as raw

In the new year, I’m not going to have a load of resolutions, I’ve just decided that I’m going to try and live more each day, and really just try to be a happier person, mainly within myself

I heard a story once that made so much sense to me

There was once an indian chief, that told a story to his grandson, he said that inside us all, there are two wolves constantly fighting

One is all good, full of love, kindness…

And one is all bad, full of hate…

The little boy asked the chief, in the end, which one wins, and the indian chief replied, the one you feed