Worlds Apart

I haven’t posted in a while, so I decided to at least have one post published before christmas

This post isn’t so much about my life, but about how I’m trying to become more aware in life, to learn from mistakes, an see things from another point of view besides my own

About how mental illness affects my mind-set in daily life, an also how I’m trying to learn to better deal with my emotions, and looking forward

In life, and with mental illness, I believe that we live in two worlds, sometimes in one or the other, sometimes in both, although all metaphorically of course

One is like a strange daze, where you’re almost awake in a dream, there’s nothing around you except what you allow in, you’re not fully aware, its like you’re walking around with your eyes closed, pain and fear wash away, its like a little loop hole in this mental pact with some devil, where you get to be strangely happier for a time, yet you don’t fully acknowledge it

The other, is when life feels like its become too real, you feel everything, you notice everybody, you realise that you are actually alive, living, you feel the pain, an see things for what they truly are, you can see the truth

For me, living in both worlds is when I feel the best, I’m emotionally stronger, I feel grounded, for me right now, I’d say I’m switching from one to the other, I’ll be unaware, then a thought will enter my mind that brings me crashing into reality again, an life for a moment, becomes too real again

By choice lately, I’m taking a step back now and again, an analysing situations in my life, to really understand emotion, my emotions, instead of feeling hurt, or jealous, or even, most importantly like I’m always the victim, I step back and see things from an outside point of view

I’m too quick to judge things on how I’m feeling in that moment, what I’m learning is, is that most of the time I’m in the wrong, which might seem like a bad thing, what I like is that I am still learning, though we never stop learning, age seems to bring more maturity and understanding

There are feelings and emotions that I may never overcome though, like guilt, which I feel at times for other people when really I just feel sorry for them, but for me, it comes in that form, the form of guilt, I also have a lot of anger inside, there’s a bitterness and resentment

At times I’ll want to be on my own, yet not alone, I feel I need peoples attention, yet not attention seeking, I need to feel loved, yet the idea of love scares me, perhaps no one will ever break through the wall that’s guarded me my whole life, but I’m willing to try

Someday I’d like to let go, to be free from the chains of life, from my life, maybe someday I will allow someone in, to be vulnerable, to take that risk

I feel like, if I can become happier in life, then in time those feelings will fade, an I can learn to deal with them, at a time when they are less important, and not as raw

In the new year, I’m not going to have a load of resolutions, I’ve just decided that I’m going to try and live more each day, and really just try to be a happier person, mainly within myself

I heard a story once that made so much sense to me

There was once an indian chief, that told a story to his grandson, he said that inside us all, there are two wolves constantly fighting

One is all good, full of love, kindness…

And one is all bad, full of hate…

The little boy asked the chief, in the end, which one wins, and the indian chief replied, the one you feed

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