Good-Bye 2013

So another year has come and gone again, an I’m taking quite a bit of baggage into 2014 with me from this past year

For a start I will be kicking my butt into action, an losing this extra weight I’ve put on, also to get fit again, now I only walk up the stairs, or get in an out of a car an I’m slightly breathless, I’m always saying ‘I’m so unfit’, quitting smoking would be a big help, I am very unhealthy, I’ve lacked the motivation, an though I don’t like to make excuses, people who take certain medications will know that it can affect your life a lot, some days you resemble some kind of zombie

I’m hoping to learn how to drive also, it would be a big help with my social phobia if I could, I regret not learning sooner, things always deepen my regret further, like today, and everyday, my step dad brings my mum home what she needs, medication, cigarettes etc, where as I needed my medication, but didn’t get out in time to get, an won’t now till thursday

My mum can stay in all day, which she seems to do all the time now, yet can go out with my step dad as he drives, in the evening, as for me, I’m home most days, the fact that they leave me here most of the time, or wouldn’t even ask if I needed anything back from town, to me is selfish

My brothers girlfriend, who you know is also my best friend, took me into town this evening, which I was so grateful for

Despite my mental illness, I’ve always tried to be as independent as possible, I don’t like to rely on others, although the offer of help is nice

I’d like to be happier in the new year, because the true test of happiness, I believe is to look around you, an be content with where you are, who you are, and with what you have, which I’m not right now, my biggest regret is how many years I’ve wasted of my life without accomplishing any of my dreams, I’ve allowed my fears to hold me back

In february I’ll be 28!! I think, where has the time gone, 28 isn’t old, but its a bit late in life to still be thinking about your future, or who you want to be, I guess I’ve never thought of myself as living a real life, if that makes sense, I’ve never thought seriously about my choices, or if I truly deserved anything for myself, I’ve been in this bubble for so long, I’ve never really stepped out alone into the real big world that’s out there

February will also bring my court case against social services, or ‘homefirst’ as they are known, for damages, the case was pushed back from july, so I hope that this time it will go ahead, win or lose, I want this finished and out of my life for good! I hate that in this way its tied me to my past for another ten years

My own place, as scary as that thought is to me, would be good also, but I won’t force anything on myself, perhaps to meet someone special also, but that’s lower on the list for now

These goals, if you want to call them that, are only to make my life better to live, and to be happier within myself, and hopefully other good things will happen in between, which by then will only be added bonuses, but its about baby steps, all I can do is try, like everyone else, I’m still learning, and we are all allowed to make our mistakes, we may never get things totally right, but its about the journey, and the memories made along the way


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