Wistfully Dreaming

Life is forever changing, and although I don’t like change, it helps to push my boundaries, which I guess is never a bad thing for someone like me

My older brothers girlfriend went into hospital on sunday, and gave birth to their baby boy, unfortunately social services have been involved for some time, and now she and the child have to live with her mother out of town, sadly they can’t be together, and my brothers visits will have to be supervised, for now at least, I can’t imagine it will be easy to begin with, but hopefully in time it will get better

I know my brother isn’t dealing with it very well, I mean, who would, to have the person you love and your child removed from you like that, though I don’t agree with him getting drunk yesterday, he’s thirty now, and should realise its time to stand up and prove himself, instead of running from it and drowning his sorrows, there is no light at the end of a beer bottle

Though I’m no one to judge how people deal with things that they find hard to face, I’m not exactly an angel

Talking about social services, as you know I have a case against them, and have been building against them for ten years now, for neglect/negligence, and for, in part to blame for how my mental illness has now effected my life, due to their lack in duty of care

I met with my solicitor today, who told me that as we have such strong evidence against them, they might settle the case out of court, as if the case goes ahead, it will be all over the news, and of course they won’t want that, as it will set a president for others like me to come forward, them settling out of court keeps it quiet and buys my silence, failing that, I’m set to go to court on the 11th of february, so one way or another, this will all be over

For me its never been about the money, (although I’m not going to lie, it would be nice) I did it through anger at first, revenge I guess, I can be quite vengeful, though over the years those things became less important in my life, I have my days still where I feel the hurt, but a lot has changed, I was a seventeen year old boy back then

I’ve been warned all along by my legal team that I may not get anything, so I’ve never took anything for granted that way, for me now, its about my own validation if I’m honest, a line in the sand, and their admission of wrong doing, would a sorry heal me, its too late for that, if I win and am awarded any money, will it make me happy, no, sadly I’m too damaged, I’m slightly broken, moving on will never fully come for me, acceptance is the only way forward

After this is all over, i like the idea of finally finally moving on with my life, an going it alone, I’ll be twenty eight on the 25th of february, I’m starting to climb that hill that people talk about, my illness, this case, fear, and the fact I missed so many years with my mum, have held me back from moving on as a proper adult, but I feel that, that time is finally drawing near, it makes me sad somehow to imagine that though, maybe the loneliness of it all

I’ve never been someone who could be on my own, alone yes, on my own, I don’t think I could be, but as long as I know that if it didn’t work out, there would always been a place back at home for me, that would go a long way in making me feel safe to try

The future is really scary to me, yes I’m an adult now, I’ve just never allowed myself to imagine a life of my own, I’m so independent, yet I rely so much on others at times, I’ve always been ‘cared’ for, I’ve never truly cared for myself,

I feel so alone sometimes already, I’ve never really said that to anyone before, ultimately the time is coming where I’ll either be pushed, or I’ll jump

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Unfortunately Myself

Lifes journey in part, is to learn and to grow from our experiences. whether that path is together, or walked alone

So its been two weeks since the new year, an although its still really early, plans aren’t exactly going to plan, over the last while, I’ve been in the midst of my own binge eating hell, my mind is all over the place, I have no energy, and no will for life, food once again has become a comfort for me, I haven’t been taking my medication properly either, so I think that’s in part to blame for how I’m feeling

This year i told myself that I’d be nicer, kinder, and although I was before, things keep pushing me to the edge

I have this horrible feeling inside, I’m finding it hard to be around people, I just don’t feel like I want to be part of the world right now, Its like i can feel the horrible things in the world, the selfishness, the hate, all the badness with none of the good, if I’m honest, I’m quite emotional today, allowing things to drag me down, It doesn’t help that the people around me constantly take me for granted, I’m sick of the selfishness I’m surrounded by, I feel like I give an give, and its all take

My life now, seems like I’m in one room, an everyone else is in another

I have to get away from this house, and this town, I’m drowning in this swamp of a place an I feel like I can’t breathe, my family, if I’m honest, only further poison me against people and life, I feel like I’m slowly dying, inside at least

I shouldn’t change who I am because of other people, no one should, but if we really think about it, its others that change us, we change on how we are treated in life, which sometimes makes us lose who we were, or set out to be, sometimes that’s sad, sometimes that’s just how life is

Only we can make ourselves happy in life, to get what we want, an as bad as it sounds, sometimes by any means possible, if I’m given selfish, I’ll give selfish, give me your time, love, and your kindness, you’ll get it in return, that’s how I’m choosing to move forward, I’ll be what I hate because any other way gets you pushed down, an I won’t be the crap people trod on

I’d love to just start running, and to never look back, but then, there will always be the same kind of people no matter where I ended up, an most importantly, and unfortunately myself

For many people, I’m a question mark, a confusion that people don’t understand, and annoyingly for some, they can’t put me in some box, I don’t know myself, really, who I am, life, like me, is a puzzle in itself

I’ve told myself many times, ‘you need to grow up, and get a life’ we have to be the change we want to see

Sadness is loneliness, where pain is felt, a darkness that will drive us toward the light

Where the same story is told over and over, but in many different ways