Sometimes, Love Is Not Enough

There comes a point, or many, when you look at your life, and think huh? Where am I, where am I going, what the hell am I doing!

I sat with my mum for a while yesterday, just passing a minute, she was talking to me about a lot of things, but her voice just drifted off into the distance, as I suddenly realised how bored with everything I was, and how much I didn’t care what she was saying

I suddenly had flashes of the movie ‘titanic’ that part where rose is sitting with her mum, they’re talking about her wedding as she watches a young girl being corrected at another table by her mother, at that moment, she realises that its not the life she wants anymore

Mum was getting ready to go to hospital with my step dad, as his brother has taken a bad turn, so they are going to visit him, as I left the room and walked back upstairs to my bedroom, I felt this horrible feeling flow over me, like a darkness, sadness, loneliness, perhaps its selfish, but all I could think in that moment, was how I’d be left home alone again, i’m a prisoner in my own life

I can, and do go into town by myself, but I’m constantly on guard, my heart beating fast an my nerves making me feel on edge from my social phobia, the fear of what might happen, what could happen, it makes me feel so apart from the real world, because I can’t function as a regular person

While two versions of life play out in my head, and living the lesser version, I’m beginning to really bank on my claim paying off, an being able to fulfil the things I want to do, to better my life

As you know my birthday is tuesday next week, I’ll be 28, I have no idea what to do yet, I have such a struggle going on inside, I can’t think too far ahead right now, this was meant to be ‘my year’ finally I’d turn things around in this disaster of a life, its still early, but so far its a bust, i do want to change, even if my family don’t, I don’t think they will

This is a two part post, so below is part two

Sometimes, Love Is Not Enough #2

My brothers drank again over the weekend, my older brother broke a bone in his hand, he doesn’t even know how, so now he’s in a cast, another ‘war wound’ from his drunken stupidity, the are too similar, and live a life that doesn’t interest me

Mum and I, I know have this strange tug of war thing, where we both know we are right, usually, not boasting, I am, I’ll go downstairs, try an talk to her, but half the time she doesn’t listen, she’s always complaining about some pain in her leg, which I’m bored of, she had it checked an its fine

She doesn’t work now, but really pisses me of with being such a martyr, she cleans the house everyday, but makes it sound like a full time job, what else is she doing, she stays home everyday, an also I shouldn’t judge, but these ‘mental problems’ she has now don’t make sense to me, I know you can become mentally Ill anytime, but it only formed in her forties, and the fact its so similar to mine annoys me

My step dad an I don’t really talk, its awkward silences, and him leaving the room when I come in, which I don’t mind, he’s the type who thinks he knows more than he does

Then there’s my aunt, who if I’m honest is very immature, we used to be close, but I’m not in that place now, perhaps when I was a little younger than now, because we were on the same wave length, but now I’m older, an she’s stayed the same, I don’t feel as close, she’s someone you can’t talk to, because although she’s almost 40, you’d think she was younger than me

My uncle is always just trying to get me to come to his church, which he owns, he thinks he’s better than us because he owns his own business an makes a lot of money, he likes me best, because he sees a lot of potential in me, an thinks I could do an be something great, its nice I guess, but he doesn’t know or understand my illness, we aren’t that close

This is my typical life, you’d think I’d be used to it, but it becomes old, fast

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Soul Searching

I cried last night for the first time in a long time, my emotions an inner truths just swirled up inside, tears were the only escape from how I was feeling in that moment, its strange because, I haven’t cried in so long, the way your face twists an shapes with the hurt felt unusual to me, unnatural in a way

I’ve been feeling a lot lately, I guess its because I’ve been sort of weaning myself off of my medication, an its so strange how much I actually am feeling again, with medication you still feel, but its not in a normal way, emotions are more real, raw now

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching this year already, and most of what I see, I don’t like, what hurts most is how I push people away, how many possible relationships I’ve ruined with how I am sometimes, the anger I hold inside, how I keep score against people, how I go over and over things in my head that aren’t even that important, really though how truly lonely I feel

Other people are mainly the reason, family for one, new people coming into my life another, I’m just fragile, i think my court case is playing on my mind also, as I told you, it was due in court on tuesday, but the psychiatrist working the side of social services got taken into hospital for surgery, so court was cancelled, I wasn’t happy as you can imagine, just my luck right?

Though my solicitor believes they will settle out of court now, most of the money we were hoping for has to be dropped, for many different factors, so the number now is around fifteen thousand or slightly higher, which if I’m honest, after ten years, an everything I’ve went an been through, is a bit of a slap in the face, I just want it all over with now, I’ve had enough of the whole thing hanging above my head for years, an not being able to fully move on

I’ve been having a real bad run of luck lately, at points you just say to yourself, what have I done, what do I have to do to catch a break!

On a lighter note, my birthday is on the 25th, I’ll be 28, I have no plans at all yet, but why should I let life drag me down, whatever I do, I’ll make sure I have a fun day, an just leave everything behind and buried, for one day at least

Eye Of The Storm

My head is all over the place lately, so I apologise if this post isn’t written very well, but I’ll try my best

Lately my family life has been a mess, (how many times have I started a post with that or similar I wonder) as you know, my older brothers girlfriend went back to live at home with their son, as social services are involved, and made that decision for them

My family are angry, because her parents are too involved, and pushy, (my brother isn’t allowed to be alone with her and the baby, as its under a protection order, and although my brother is allowed to visit everyday, her parents, or another family member have to supervise the visits) I guess her parents think they are helping, but really they need to back off a bit, they even want the baby to have their last name and not my brothers, my brothers girlfriend (Miss A) says she’s done nothing but cry

Instead of stepping up, and trying to be a dad, an suffering for a while until things get better, its like he’s given up already, he’s done nothing but give his girlfriend abuse over the phone (I’ve heard him saying the most horrible things) and get drunk, the child isn’t even a week old, and he’s drank three times already, from last night right through till today being one of those times, he’s using all this as an excuse

I’ve stayed away, I haven’t touched alcohol in a while (christmas day) but of course I’ve heard everything that’s happened

The last day they were drinking, which was on thursday, they left my aunts house (as you know my brothers live with her) a mess, Mr G and his girlfriend Miss T were there again, among others, as usual fights broke out between everyone, (I saw Mr G’s face the next day and it was all bruised, along with the mess they left behind)

My aunt had stepped in at one point to break up one of the fights, in the midst of it, her top and bra got torn, and didn’t even realise that one of her breasts were hanging out, things were broken also, I feel so sorry for my aunt, she’s powerless in her own home

The police landed to my aunts to do a police check, my younger brother was arrested after failing a sobriety test, and now is out on bail, and has yet again an ankle tag and a curfew

Miss T was also arrested for assaulting a couple of the officers, and for throwing a dog bone at the police car (my aunt has dogs, in case you wondered) even though Mr G threw it

I know they were also taking that horse tranquilliser drug, so you can image how crazy it must have been, I’ve never taken it, and never would either

I haven’t heard the details about last night yet, but my younger brother landed here today, still drunk, crying and telling our mum he loves her, which he does every time, my step dad gave him a lift home so we could be rid of him

This post is almost a ‘Wistfully Dreaming’ 2.0, because its so similar

Me, since you last heard, I’ve just been very emotional, as usual you say… I’ve lost a friend in my brothers girlfriend, although we can still see each other, it won’t be the same anymore, I wouldn’t feel right either, if I was allowed to visit her and get more rights than my brother

I’ve also, (and strangely) found myself in a strange relationship type scenario again, and I’m juggling a bunch of emotions there, I guess I’m not the ‘dating’ type, it just sends me into a state of emotional stress and inner turmoil of insecurities, its early days, I’m just confused as to what I really want to happen

My solicitor phoned and asked to see me, I thought perhaps social services had made an offer, but no, it was about a report from years ago, its from an expert (which basically says I don’t have a case) its a report my solicitor has been keeping quiet, because social services would love to get their hands on it, it would ruin my case, although my solicitor will have to hand it over eventually

The good news is, is that social services got an expert to look at their own case, and even he says they were in the wrong, and were negligent, that’s from their own expert, so if it goes to court, it will be up to the judge to decide

I’m secretly hoping I’ll get an offer first though, if I do, I’ve been told I have to pay for that report I just mentioned, it hasn’t been paid for yet, so that will be two and a half thousand out of any money I get, if I fail, legal aid will pay for it though

Still, nice bomb to drop on me right?

I’m just stressed out, its an emotional time for me right now, an with this five day court case starting on the 11th its just another unwanted stress

With everything going on, it feels like being stuck in the middle of a storm, with no where to run