I cried last night for the first time in a long time, my emotions an inner truths just swirled up inside, tears were the only escape from how I was feeling in that moment, its strange because, I haven’t cried in so long, the way your face twists an shapes with the hurt felt unusual to me, unnatural in a way
I’ve been feeling a lot lately, I guess its because I’ve been sort of weaning myself off of my medication, an its so strange how much I actually am feeling again, with medication you still feel, but its not in a normal way, emotions are more real, raw now
I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching this year already, and most of what I see, I don’t like, what hurts most is how I push people away, how many possible relationships I’ve ruined with how I am sometimes, the anger I hold inside, how I keep score against people, how I go over and over things in my head that aren’t even that important, really though how truly lonely I feel
Other people are mainly the reason, family for one, new people coming into my life another, I’m just fragile, i think my court case is playing on my mind also, as I told you, it was due in court on tuesday, but the psychiatrist working the side of social services got taken into hospital for surgery, so court was cancelled, I wasn’t happy as you can imagine, just my luck right?
Though my solicitor believes they will settle out of court now, most of the money we were hoping for has to be dropped, for many different factors, so the number now is around fifteen thousand or slightly higher, which if I’m honest, after ten years, an everything I’ve went an been through, is a bit of a slap in the face, I just want it all over with now, I’ve had enough of the whole thing hanging above my head for years, an not being able to fully move on
I’ve been having a real bad run of luck lately, at points you just say to yourself, what have I done, what do I have to do to catch a break!
On a lighter note, my birthday is on the 25th, I’ll be 28, I have no plans at all yet, but why should I let life drag me down, whatever I do, I’ll make sure I have a fun day, an just leave everything behind and buried, for one day at least