Sometimes, Love Is Not Enough

There comes a point, or many, when you look at your life, and think huh? Where am I, where am I going, what the hell am I doing!

I sat with my mum for a while yesterday, just passing a minute, she was talking to me about a lot of things, but her voice just drifted off into the distance, as I suddenly realised how bored with everything I was, and how much I didn’t care what she was saying

I suddenly had flashes of the movie ‘titanic’ that part where rose is sitting with her mum, they’re talking about her wedding as she watches a young girl being corrected at another table by her mother, at that moment, she realises that its not the life she wants anymore

Mum was getting ready to go to hospital with my step dad, as his brother has taken a bad turn, so they are going to visit him, as I left the room and walked back upstairs to my bedroom, I felt this horrible feeling flow over me, like a darkness, sadness, loneliness, perhaps its selfish, but all I could think in that moment, was how I’d be left home alone again, i’m a prisoner in my own life

I can, and do go into town by myself, but I’m constantly on guard, my heart beating fast an my nerves making me feel on edge from my social phobia, the fear of what might happen, what could happen, it makes me feel so apart from the real world, because I can’t function as a regular person

While two versions of life play out in my head, and living the lesser version, I’m beginning to really bank on my claim paying off, an being able to fulfil the things I want to do, to better my life

As you know my birthday is tuesday next week, I’ll be 28, I have no idea what to do yet, I have such a struggle going on inside, I can’t think too far ahead right now, this was meant to be ‘my year’ finally I’d turn things around in this disaster of a life, its still early, but so far its a bust, i do want to change, even if my family don’t, I don’t think they will

This is a two part post, so below is part two

Sometimes, Love Is Not Enough #2

My brothers drank again over the weekend, my older brother broke a bone in his hand, he doesn’t even know how, so now he’s in a cast, another ‘war wound’ from his drunken stupidity, the are too similar, and live a life that doesn’t interest me

Mum and I, I know have this strange tug of war thing, where we both know we are right, usually, not boasting, I am, I’ll go downstairs, try an talk to her, but half the time she doesn’t listen, she’s always complaining about some pain in her leg, which I’m bored of, she had it checked an its fine

She doesn’t work now, but really pisses me of with being such a martyr, she cleans the house everyday, but makes it sound like a full time job, what else is she doing, she stays home everyday, an also I shouldn’t judge, but these ‘mental problems’ she has now don’t make sense to me, I know you can become mentally Ill anytime, but it only formed in her forties, and the fact its so similar to mine annoys me

My step dad an I don’t really talk, its awkward silences, and him leaving the room when I come in, which I don’t mind, he’s the type who thinks he knows more than he does

Then there’s my aunt, who if I’m honest is very immature, we used to be close, but I’m not in that place now, perhaps when I was a little younger than now, because we were on the same wave length, but now I’m older, an she’s stayed the same, I don’t feel as close, she’s someone you can’t talk to, because although she’s almost 40, you’d think she was younger than me

My uncle is always just trying to get me to come to his church, which he owns, he thinks he’s better than us because he owns his own business an makes a lot of money, he likes me best, because he sees a lot of potential in me, an thinks I could do an be something great, its nice I guess, but he doesn’t know or understand my illness, we aren’t that close

This is my typical life, you’d think I’d be used to it, but it becomes old, fast

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