Pushed Toward A Breakdown

There was a time a few months ago when I’d go to see my doctor up to three times a week, I felt like I wasn’t getting the help I needed, so I stopped going, I haven’t really been going out very much over the last few months, an things are starting to weight me down, it has come to the point where I can’t go it alone anymore, so I made a doctors appointment, which was today

I’ve been seeing Dr H for a long time, because last time I saw Dr C, who was my regular doctor for years, accused me of trying to blackmail her for diazepam, which I explained in a past post, since that day I never went back to her

As I said, I saw him today, I explained that I’m going through a hard time right now, an that I’m finding it harder to cope alone, that my hallucinations are become more regular, how I haven’t been going out very often, about how I’m not really sleeping, also lately I’m being given a generic form of seroquel, that they weren’t helping, and wanted them changed back again

He got on the phone to the pharmacy, where they started talking about how the good brand, seroquel, an the generic brand, for now are the same price, but that the better brand will become more expensive over time, an would work out about two pound a box or something, I started getting emotional listening to them, because is that what my well-being is worth to them, two pound

I’m emotional lately anyway, so it doesn’t take much to set me off

I explained my hallucinations, like for instance, I looked at my cat, an she smiled back at me with the mouth of a piranha, the razor sharp teeth, how even this morning, I was making tea, I looked out the window, an there was a man behind the fence staring in at me, when I gasped an jumped as you do, it was merely a tree

Everything I said, he’d beat me down, like how cats mouths are like that anyway.. Huh?? Even if that were the case, her mouth was closed at the time, an how the tree could have looked like a person, even though the tree is about as thick as someones thigh, an the man clearly had a face, a head, and shoulders, he said they weren’t hallucinations, so I guess they were visual disturbances?

He said I needed to get out more, a hobby, a course etc, which is true yes, he just wouldn’t understand what I was saying, if it was that easy I’d be out, having a life, I also reminded him about my social phobia, he said if I was around people I would be more confident, he clearly doesn’t understand how it affects me, I wouldn’t have a phobia, again if it was that easy

If what he told me was that simple, it’d be the ‘secret cure’ an there wouldn’t be such a thing as mental illness

Then he asked was I in a relationship, and would that perhaps be something I should look into, really… It was so frustrating, he did change my medication, and also referred me back to the mental health team, though not before asking would I actually go this time, as I’d missed past appointments

At that time I had given up on getting help, because it wasn’t getting me anywhere, its like the people I see have this set plan in mind to make the world a better place for people like us, it may have worked for one person an now they push it on all of us, our words fall on deaf ears, and are replaced by their ‘training’ instead of insight and compassion

I’m not a doctor or trained in psychology, but wouldn’t the best thing be, to get to a place where you’re more stable and in control before trying to build a life, and start a relationship, at this time those things would only be like a gloss, I don’t want to live that way, I have for so long up till now, I’m tired of acting, the fake smiles and pretending life is ok to the outside world

I left having to take deep breaths and swallow hard to fight back the tears, I’m going to set pride aside, and see Dr C on Tuesday, after that, I’ll make up my mind whether to leave the surgery for good, an try somewhere else, with hopefully a doctor who will really listen to me, maybe not fully understand me, just give me time to talk, I don’t want sympathy, I just want a little help

I don’t like the way I was left feeling, my mind goes into a state of chaos where the crazy thoughts come into my mind an I have to stay in control in case I do something I might later regret, its a deep breath moment, a few tears perhaps, an move on, until next time

I will end by saying that, I know you need to take the help, to be helped, an perhaps Dr H really thought he was helping in his own strange way, he wasn’t, but we can’t know everything I guess, even doctors

I won’t allow them to make me give up on getting better, I have faith there will be a break through someday

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Blood In The Water

Saturday started like most days, quiet, and yet another day spent inside, my older brother was phoning back and forward, as you know he recently had a child with his current girlfriend

As you also know, social services got involved, and to stand a chance to stay in the child’s life, and eventually be a family, his girlfriend moved back home with her parents

The child’s christening was the next day, which was sunday, and all along my older brother had said he wasn’t going to attend, his girlfriends parents have become overly involved, and together they decided that the child would be christened catholic, where as my brother wanted the child to be inter-graded as he is protestant, and also other things like them deciding not to give the child my brothers last name

So as I said, my older brother was phoning my mum, to ask her to come to the christening, even though he appeared to be undecided himself

As time past, we learned that my brother had started to drink, the day before the christening, he also drank the day before my birthday, which was only on the 25th of february, but this post isn’t really about me this time, I can cover that in another post

After a while had past, my mum had come to the decision that she wouldn’t attend, in my brothers last phone call, he gave my mum some abuse, claiming my mum had let him and his son down, finally wishing her dead before he hung up

In that call, he was also asking if our step-dad would give him a lift out of town to get drugs, not being the first time, an my step dad not wanting to, because my brother when drunk is uncontrollable, shouting out the window and flashing the lights at other drivers etc, and generally not wanting to be a part of the whole thing

Not taking no for an answer, as my step-dad is known to be a bit of a push over, my brother said he would come to our house an ask our step-dad himself, so anyway, that’s how it was left, after a while we got a call from my aunt, saying that my brother was on his way to our house, and that if he didn’t get it, that he’d put the windows in

A taxi pulled up to our house shortly after that, an right enough there was my brother at the window asking to be let in, once inside things took a dramatic turn for the worst

We were all in the kitchen, with my mum an brother having words, my brother started squaring up to my mum, an gritting his teeth as he always does when angry, an threatening to hit her, mum showed no fear an told him to go ahead

As I said, him an my mum were having words, I think he then grabbed our mum, an my mum gave him a slap across the face, all of a sudden my brother threw the beer tin he was holding at the wall, the beer splashing all over the place

My mum was calling him names, she picked up the tin and hit him across the face with it, he was being disrespectful, an that was disrespect to our home

Its kind of hazy in my mind, but my brothers temper was quickly building, still having words, my brother again grabbed my mum, I stepped in at this point to push my brother back, telling him to leave our mum alone, he then said if I got involved he’d beat me an our mum, which I know he could easily do, I’m not a fighter, an he’s way stronger

Things picked up with them sort of in a hold lock, my brother had hold of our mums hair, my step-dad was now in the middle of it trying to separate them, my step dad has had to hit my brother in the past when my brother an mum have fought before

I was surprised that this time my step dad wouldn’t do anything, this time I think he was afraid, my brother also threatening him to stay out of it, giving him the same threat he gave me

It was so overwhelming, I stood there suddenly froze to the spot, the anger an fear in every ones voices, the emotion building up inside me, until I couldn’t handle it anymore, I broke down an left the room

A short while past, I was in my room at this point, an I heard my step-dad calling me to bring down some tissue for my mum, I thought to wipe her tears, as she had been crying, but as I entered the kitchen, there stood my mum, her nose bleeding, this was enough to stop the whole fight

My brother said he had said sorry, an went to hug our mum, whatever way she moved her head, she had struck his elbow, but my mum insisted that my brother had punched her, my step-dad took the tissue and started to help our mum, I noticed some blood over a couple of the joining walls, the whole sight was so shocking

My brother now sat at the kitchen table, he was twisting, he had thrown accusations around that evening, like how my mum had supposedly admitted to him that she had once cheated on our step-dad, in the past he said the same thing about our step-dad

Throwing it in her face about my younger brother an I being in care, how our grand parents never loved her, an that my aunt had been a better mum to him than she ever was, even saying that a past boyfriend of my mums had raped him, though the story changed a few times, to finally the man just showing him his penis, the fact he’d never mentioned it before now, I doubt it being true, it was just his evil way of trying to hurt her

At one point, he tried to say that I had told him I hated living here, to which I said yes I had said that, but not the way he was trying to twist it, an that I had never said anything about my mum or step-dad, my mum already knew this, I tell her all the time I hate this house, he was just trying to find things to hurt her

My mum standing there tissue in hand holding her nose, saying she hated him, him trying to apologise, asking if she really did hate him, an asking her to say she didn’t mean it, he sat back down again, an started to cry a really disturbing sort of cry, my step-dad now cleaning the mess, I guess his way of coping in that moment

I felt so detached from what was going on around me, I couldn’t really handle it, I hugged my mum an said sorry that I couldn’t have done more, I felt so powerless in the whole thing

Mum finally said she wanted him out, he had refused to leave many times, an also that she never wanted him back again, in a mood he finally left, not before throwing his chair to the floor

After a while, we had sort of settled down, me walking around in now beer soaked socks an feeling sick, we got a phone call from my brother, he wanted to say sorry, but my mum wouldn’t take the phone, so I was a go between

He said he had cut his wrists an was dying, my aunt said that he had cut himself an was bleeding pretty bad, I told them that after what he had done, that cutting himself wasn’t the answer, if anything it made things worse, an wasn’t fair on our mum

Later we learned that it wasn’t his wrists, but his arm, he wouldn’t go to hospital in case it got back to social services, but he’s fine

My brother did attend the christening the next day, with his girlfriends dad saying he was never so embarrassed in his life, as my brother was a little late an held the whole thing up, he had called my mum crying, an saying he would never be near his girlfriends parents again, I guess that’s what they wanted all along, to push him out

Him an mum talked, she said she’d need time, but mostly it looked like it was over an in the past, mum an I went to our aunts yesterday, where as you know he lives, he was in bed sick, but mum an him talked again, an she helped to redress his wounds, pretty much it was put to rest in a way

The whole thing was just another crazy night in my families ever changing chaos, for now it seems peaceful again, but for how long, who knows