Pushed Toward A Breakdown

There was a time a few months ago when I’d go to see my doctor up to three times a week, I felt like I wasn’t getting the help I needed, so I stopped going, I haven’t really been going out very much over the last few months, an things are starting to weight me down, it has come to the point where I can’t go it alone anymore, so I made a doctors appointment, which was today

I’ve been seeing Dr H for a long time, because last time I saw Dr C, who was my regular doctor for years, accused me of trying to blackmail her for diazepam, which I explained in a past post, since that day I never went back to her

As I said, I saw him today, I explained that I’m going through a hard time right now, an that I’m finding it harder to cope alone, that my hallucinations are become more regular, how I haven’t been going out very often, about how I’m not really sleeping, also lately I’m being given a generic form of seroquel, that they weren’t helping, and wanted them changed back again

He got on the phone to the pharmacy, where they started talking about how the good brand, seroquel, an the generic brand, for now are the same price, but that the better brand will become more expensive over time, an would work out about two pound a box or something, I started getting emotional listening to them, because is that what my well-being is worth to them, two pound

I’m emotional lately anyway, so it doesn’t take much to set me off

I explained my hallucinations, like for instance, I looked at my cat, an she smiled back at me with the mouth of a piranha, the razor sharp teeth, how even this morning, I was making tea, I looked out the window, an there was a man behind the fence staring in at me, when I gasped an jumped as you do, it was merely a tree

Everything I said, he’d beat me down, like how cats mouths are like that anyway.. Huh?? Even if that were the case, her mouth was closed at the time, an how the tree could have looked like a person, even though the tree is about as thick as someones thigh, an the man clearly had a face, a head, and shoulders, he said they weren’t hallucinations, so I guess they were visual disturbances?

He said I needed to get out more, a hobby, a course etc, which is true yes, he just wouldn’t understand what I was saying, if it was that easy I’d be out, having a life, I also reminded him about my social phobia, he said if I was around people I would be more confident, he clearly doesn’t understand how it affects me, I wouldn’t have a phobia, again if it was that easy

If what he told me was that simple, it’d be the ‘secret cure’ an there wouldn’t be such a thing as mental illness

Then he asked was I in a relationship, and would that perhaps be something I should look into, really… It was so frustrating, he did change my medication, and also referred me back to the mental health team, though not before asking would I actually go this time, as I’d missed past appointments

At that time I had given up on getting help, because it wasn’t getting me anywhere, its like the people I see have this set plan in mind to make the world a better place for people like us, it may have worked for one person an now they push it on all of us, our words fall on deaf ears, and are replaced by their ‘training’ instead of insight and compassion

I’m not a doctor or trained in psychology, but wouldn’t the best thing be, to get to a place where you’re more stable and in control before trying to build a life, and start a relationship, at this time those things would only be like a gloss, I don’t want to live that way, I have for so long up till now, I’m tired of acting, the fake smiles and pretending life is ok to the outside world

I left having to take deep breaths and swallow hard to fight back the tears, I’m going to set pride aside, and see Dr C on Tuesday, after that, I’ll make up my mind whether to leave the surgery for good, an try somewhere else, with hopefully a doctor who will really listen to me, maybe not fully understand me, just give me time to talk, I don’t want sympathy, I just want a little help

I don’t like the way I was left feeling, my mind goes into a state of chaos where the crazy thoughts come into my mind an I have to stay in control in case I do something I might later regret, its a deep breath moment, a few tears perhaps, an move on, until next time

I will end by saying that, I know you need to take the help, to be helped, an perhaps Dr H really thought he was helping in his own strange way, he wasn’t, but we can’t know everything I guess, even doctors

I won’t allow them to make me give up on getting better, I have faith there will be a break through someday

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