Hallucinations And Whispers

Hey, checking in with a quick update…

I’ve been doing a bit of soul searching, looking within myself, mainly because I’ve been pushed to a point where I’m becoming more an more unstable

I’ve been quite paranoid over the last while, questioning everyone around me, convinced people are out to get me, an making plans behind my back, my doctors and even my family

My doctors never take me seriously, they’d rather pin stupid labels on me like ‘historian’, they take away the things that actually help me, they beat down everything I say, I actually have panic attacks now before every appointment, and become suicidal afterwards, but its like they know, because of my social phobia I won’t leave that surgery, I think they have become bored with me, and can’t wait to see the back of me

My family seem to ignore me lately, there’s this strange atmosphere between mum an I, probably because there’s people whispering, I told my aunt that I’m going to look for my own place to live, because I hate it here now

During the day, my step-dad is at work, mum an I hardly talk, we are in separate rooms all the time, mum an my step-dad go out most evenings an I’m home alone a lot, I might as well not be here, we live together, but live separate lives under the same roof, its them, and me, perhaps if I wasn’t here, I’d be appreciated more, I’m 28 now, so either way its time

If I hadn’t grown up in foster-care, I would have been gone long ago, I just wanted to make up for lost time, but I’ve come to realise, an have known for some time now that my family are so selfish and self absorbed, I’m dying here, with them, each day that passes, I become more angry, more bitter and resentful

If I’m honest, I’m hurt, hurt that I’m always left behind, forgotten, that I don’t really have anyone now, its just me, though in a way it always has been, I let my guard down, an I got hurt, usually I just switch off my emotions, become numb, or I hold on to my anger, because it keeps me strong

When its just me, it doesn’t help when, as I told you, I’ve been hallucinating more lately, though my doctor said they weren’t hallucinations, so I’ll call them visual disturbances

I’ve had them in the past, but they went away, back then I’d see ghosts, at times I’d see a victorian maid, and I’d seen four shadows in cloaks running through my room, the scariest was an old woman’s spirit, crawling up the stairs after me, they make you jump, but then after a while they become so normal

Lately it started with things like my cat smiling at me with the mouth of a piranha, then the man staring at me over the fence, I’ll see things on shelves that aren’t there, or spiders crawling toward me, sometimes I’ll hear whispers, people calling my name, it can be scary when you can’t tell if something is real or just a vision anymore

I’ve been breaking down a lot more lately, I know myself I’m beginning to lose my grip on reality, an its turning me into someone I don’t recognise anymore, as disturbing as it is, I look at myself in the mirror sometimes, an I see my face, but its not me looking back

I have an appointment with my mental health team tomorrow, so hopefully some good will come from it!

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2 responses to “Hallucinations And Whispers

  1. Good luck! I definitely know what it is like to live in a difficult family environment (to the point where I opted to be homeless at one point rather than live with them again) and I think the idea of getting away, while difficult, is valid.

    Is there any way you could switch doctors? Having one that takes one seriously can really make a difference.

    Anyway, good luck again!

    • Thank you so much..

      I guess I’m too set in my ways, stuck to routine and living in a strange bubble of my own life, I think I spend too much time lately thinking and day dreaming, rather than actually translating it into the real world

      I’ve never truly imagined a life of my own, something just for me, that makes me happy, I’m independent, but I rely on others more than I’d like, I guess loneliness and fear are a hard thing to overcome

      When I really think about it, I think, what’s happened to you, who are you now…

      Its the not knowing, but then how do we know unless we try

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