Beaten But Not Defeated

I had an appointment with my mental health team again today, or something that resembled that, as it was agnes again, the women who’s job a monkey could do, which sounds cruel I know, but she studied for what three to five years to be a counsellor, yet displays no professional skill, its like talking to one of my mums friends, or some women who just walked in off the street

To be honest I was in a mood, she started off by saying ‘what a lovely day, good day to get some washing out, do you ever hang out washing’ I didn’t reply, so she asked again, I told her that my mum does it for me ‘oh you’re spoiled’ she said, I told her it wouldn’t be done otherwise, I am independent, but the motivation isn’t there

We had a nonsense chat at first, where I said that it was quite early to start your day with this kind of thing, she said that it was nine o’clock, in a way as if I thought nine was the crack of dawn, how other patients of hers can do it, an how they even travel in from other towns some even getting two buses to get there

To which I had to explain myself, which I hate to do, again I told her that I meant having to sit there at that time, starting the day with talking about what I’m going through, and also that the time wasn’t good for me, that it was hard for me getting there because the town was busy with people going to school and work etc

She started telling me to get out more, that it would help me be more confident, how it had worked for her other patients, I’m sick of hearing that! I told her that if everyone were the same, one treatment would work for everyone, an that I wish she had social phobia so she knew how it felt, she said I don’t know how you feel, which I guess I respected, although stating the obvious

I said that its easy to say, here’s A and here’s B, and this is what you have to do to get from A to B, I told her I didn’t suddenly wake up a week ago with a mental illness, that I’d been getting help for over fourteen years, and that I’m pretty clued in to what’s going on

She asked how I was feeling since the last time we met, an had I thought anymore on joining the day centre for people like me or anything, I thought to myself, what I wrote in my last blog about her, are all the things I wish I had of said, so this time I would

I told her no, that I was in a different state of mind when I had mentioned those things in the past, an didn’t she think maybe I just wanted to talk

I told her I was in a much darker place right now, how I had used my anger as a way to turn off my emotions, she said we all need to have emotions as people, instead of rolling my eyes, I looked at her wide eyed an raised my eyebrows an said hmmm, it said ok, moving on

I told her everything in my life had built up till now where it felt like a contained explosion, how I was finding it hard to cope, and didn’t feel like I wanted to be part of the outside world right now, how out of curiosity I had joined a suicide site of sorts, people leave letters of goodbye, and share ideas on how to die, that sometimes life is a greater death sentence, though true, it is dark, even for me, though if I’m being honest, I only told her as a cry for help, my inner more desperate voice

I told her I know I’m not split personality, but sometimes a part of me takes over, a part of me that I can’t control, an in those moments, I don’t even know what I’m capable off, that I wouldn’t necessarily hurt myself, but that other side of me would, but again I’m aware of what I’m doing, I just can’t control it, an that its hard to deal with everything that goes on inside my head

I told her I used to be different, from how I am now, but lately I’ve changed, I don’t smile as much, laugh as often, that something had snapped inside me, and I no longer care about anything

We talked about my medication again, if you remember she had my depression meds taken from me, as I had admitted to storing them up to abuse later, I told her I’d stopped taking them because I’d forgotten what I was like before, before the tablets started to control me with all the brain chemicals they mess with, that the person she saw today was me

I fought her every step of the way, because I was a little pissed off, a little resentful, and to be honest, it made me feel good to wipe the fake smile off her face, I know she’s not going to be the one to help me, I knew it before I went today, but you can’t complain about being ill if you’re not willing to do something about it, which is why I forced myself to go

She asked what help I I thought they could give me, an also offered to do risk assessment, I told her I’d like to see a real psychiatrist, someone with power to change things, in case one day I was in danger and became afraid, someone I could call in crisis, I think she got cross, an that annoyed her, she then reminded me that I said I didn’t want help, that it would be her that I’d call, not a psychiatrist, that I’d already seen a psychiatrist before, to which I reminded her I stopped by choice, I know those were her little slaps at me

She mentioned she had read my notes from over the years, so I asked what did she think was wrong, or what were others saying, she said I more or less always say the same things, and that I’m always negative, and I have a tendency to over think things, which is true to an extent

I do feel like a broken record sometimes, but if I see someone new every time I go back to the mental health team, I feel I have to start from scratch, and also my illness hasn’t changed over the years, it only fluctuates, sometimes overwhelmingly so

I felt quite good when I was on a roll, assertive and speaking my mind, until that very thing gave up on me, suddenly my mind went blank, I couldn’t remember my train of thought or what I’d been saying, I froze and just stopped then

By the end of the session, i knew the truth about how I really felt, so I was honest, I said that I didn’t think the mental health team could really help me right now, because of the state of mind I’m currently in, I’d only fight against them, like a tug of war for example, which wouldn’t be helpful to either of us, she said that it was up to me, that she can’t force anything on me, that she’ll make another appointment for two weeks time, and if I don’t show up, she’ll assume I no longer want to see her/the team

Through the whole appointment, she never took notes or wrote anything down, so I came away thinking, I sit in a room, talking for thirty minutes to an hour, and its not recorded, what if my medication needs changed or something for example

I was very emotionless, dead eyed and dry, something just came over me, that other side I talked about, fuelled by negative emotion, its hard to snap out off, but me venting at her, is like someone cutting themselves, it let’s out the hurt, a little at least, she wanted me to be more confident, so that’s the side she got today

By the end I could barely stand to even look at her anymore, I think the feeling was mutual, so I don’t know what to do, there isn’t much else on offer right now

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One response to “Beaten But Not Defeated

  1. I must admit, I have never gotten to the point the person who has posted this has. It must be very difficult, and I admire the will they have found within themselves to keep going. I also understand the feeling of despair that one can feel, when no one seems to understand you or help you. You are not alone. Sometimes I feel myself slip too. It is easier to let the anger take over because the other aspects of my personality are cut off. I feel unresponsive… cold? Because sometimes trying to communicate feels completely useless. The person you are talking to keeps nodding, but their eyes keep swaying towards meaningless things in their peripheral vision. They are also smiling, however their smile is too sweet; it looks as if they have just swallowed a jar of honey. After a while you stop trying. You think, what is the point? So you detach yourself.

    Sometimes it feels like there is no cure. To be honest I’m still not sure if there is. I do not know if this will help anyone, but let me tell you my way of keeping myself motivated:

    1.Books: Books are my; friends, saviours, teachers, advisers, escape, my everything, this may sound cheesy to some of you, or you might perhaps find my escapism desperate. But let me tell you this; where friends, family, teachers and counsellors will fail to understand, books will come to your rescue If your troubles are slowly strangling you, then a book will be your hiding place from their smothering hands. If you need guidance without judgement then books will be your counsellor.

    2.Dreaming: Imagine future possibilities. Is this too idealistic? Perhaps it is, but so what? Does it matter if your motivation is fictional, if it keeps you going? I think not. Reality doesn’t always have to consist of facts, as long as it is your reality, your truth, it is ok to hang on to it.

    3.Future Potential: This one is a build up on my second point. Dreaming is all fine and pretty, however turning those dreams into reality has its own sweet taste of satisfaction. Having this kind of ambition also gives also give you a sense of purpose and things to look forwards too.

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