Not Too Far To Fall

Just because I don’t want to live, does mean I don’t want a good life, I don’t want to sit around an wait to die funny the things you randomly ponder

i’m trying hard to keep my mind under control, with all these silly thoughts, and the frustration that builds up over things that aren’t that important, and also trying to ignore the temptation I’m having lately to drink

As I sit here typing this, I feel like such a mess, an I realise how far I’ve fallen, and how fast, even though I didn’t have far to go, I set the scene as a crazy cat lady, or in my case a cat man?? my hair is uncut and greasy, I’m still in my slob like bed clothes, the battery in my razor ran out last night, half way through shaving, and I sit here with a half shaved face with no attempt to fix it, my diet has imploded on itself, I’m now two stone heavier and don’t have the will power to change that fact

Where is the drive, and the motivation, as bad as I’ve been in the past, I always cared for myself appearance wise, the outside always a mask for what I was really feeling, it was an illusion, I think perhaps as I’ve gotten older, now 28, I’ve learned that I can’t change how I feel by dressing nice and doing my hair etc, also i’m not the same person I was 4-5 years ago, I’m not as insecure, an that stuff seems less important now

Most of my nice clothes don’t fit anymore anyway, I haven’t bought anything new in quite a while, because I tell myself there’s no point buying slightly bigger clothes, one because I will lose the weight eventually, and two because buying them would be like excepting it, we lie to ourselves

I’m 6ft 2, so I carry extra weight well, but its hard for me now, with the extra weight I’m more sluggish, I get tired easier, the quetiapine doesn’t help matters either, or the fact I barely go out anymore, and haven’t left the house in about 8 months now, when I don’t get a taxi and make myself walk, the muscles tighten up so much in my calfs that I’m almost crippled, the same walk I’d done for years

Its going to be a long road back to where I first let things slip, but I’m ready to look in the mirror, and see ‘me’ again

On a slightly happier note, my younger brother, who as you know is in prison, gets a three day release on tuesday, and then is free a couple of weeks later, though that doesn’t come without drama, as he’s already said he can’t promise he won’t drink, never mind he recently found out he has hepatitis C, which I believe is a result of him either having liver damage, or from a guy injecting him with a dirty needle one drunken night, luckily he’s treatable, but it didn’t seem to wake him up to anything

Also I got a little good news, my disability living allowance was awarded again for another two years, so that takes a little stress away

As bad as I’ve been, looking to the future, I have a lot of insight, an I always hold out on hope, there’s always a strength in me, no matter how small its voice, I believe in living and learning, especially from mistakes

Everything we do, and will do in life changes us as people forever, sometimes for better or worse, its a constant battle, its a journey that hasn’t been fully written yet, its never over until the end, we never lose until we’ve lost