When Will It Be My Turn

Its been hard for me the last few days, I caught the flu, i feel awful, an I’ve been stuck in the house for over three days, I know its only the flu, but I’m tired, an every time I try to do something, I get hot and drained very quick, its not nice having no energy

Then there’s the annoying stuff, sore muscles, runny stuffed nose, endless coughing, I’m half deaf an my ears won’t pop, I purposely don’t use ‘lol’ on my blog, but insert it where you feel it should be

Its been four days, an not one person has asked how I’m feeling, or even offered to buy me something as stupid as a lucazade, in my misery these things have been playing more on my mind, it didn’t help that everyone else was out having fun, while I was home alone

Though I’m not really the type to covet attention anymore, when I was younger perhaps, but misery loves company right??

So I told my mum today, albeit in a passive aggressive way ‘I’m feeling much better today, even though no one bothered to ask’ she just replied that so much has been going on lately

By that she means my brothers, who of course were drinking again yesterday, an its exactly what I was thinking before all this, that I’m always in their shadow, its always about the next thing they have done, what trouble they’ve now found themselves in etc

A few days ago, I told my mum that I was planning to move out soon, to cut a long story short for new readers, I grew up in foster-care, and only moved home at seventeen, so I’ve been making up for lost time, but now at twenty eight, I feel its time for me to go, it feels like I already live here alone as it is, to me, there’s my mum an step-dad, an then there’s me

Mum said that she’s not ready for me to leave yet, that she likes having me at home, an I can stay as long as I like, which is nice, but I can’t help feel its for selfish reasons, one being that she’d be alone all day with my step-dad being at work, I feel like a fixture here, I’m miserable, and to avoid fights, I say nothing

Mum an I are quite close, closer than anyone else in our immediate family, and we have only had one fight in eleven years, an that was for something stupid while we were drunk one christmas, for the record, she started it

I’m happy though, because in a rare occurrence, I know this all comes from real life situations, and not from my illness, for example, depression making it worse, so I’m trying to stay positive, this flu will pass, focus on me, stick to the plans I’ve made, straight road ahead, keep going, there’s crumbling at the edges, but its under control


A Little Taste Of Happiness

I haven’t posted in a while, my phone broke an I had to order a replacement, having a laptop is just not for me, I’ve never liked the internet on a large scale for some reason, in the mean-time, I’ve been in a mini whirlwind of sorts, but more on that to come

Lately, i’ve started going out more often, which as you know is hard for me, over the weekend I went to a BBQ, surrounded by strangers, but I handled it ok, I’ve been making more of an effort also, doing my hair, an losing the comfort blanket that was my hat, no more hiding! I’m dressing better to, I’ve been on a diet, and already I’ve lost a stone, I’m renewing my passport, I haven’t been on a holiday for ten years! But talking about it, and actually doing it are two different things, I start taking my driving lessons very soon, plus I’m getting back into singing lessons again, I used to enjoy those, they helped my confidence a little, its small steps, but the main thing is, I’m trying

I also had the best news of my life a few days ago, remember I had a pending court case, its taken over ten years! But its finally over, it was settled out of court, and I won! when my solicitor told me, I almost cried, I was so overwhelmed, I can’t go into too much detail, as I signed papers to swear I wouldn’t talk about it, even though I’m anonymous on here, I can’t take that chance, in the end, its not about the money, its the win

On top of that, any and all benefits I’ve ever received will also be paid back to the government, that makes me even happier

I told my mum and step-dad first, Who were so happy for me, I put off telling my brothers for a little while, because I know how they are, and I was right, the self entitlement, asking how much they were getting, telling me how to spend it etc, I suddenly felt dread, at a time when I was meant to be happy, I felt deflated and drained

I started having visions of them rubbing their hands together, an them asking me for money all the time, which they already do, my aunt included, and that’s with them all getting more money than me a week, I felt the slight resentment and jealousy toward me, the fakeness in the smiles, I felt awkward, and I haven’t felt right about it since, money is the route of all evil after all

A few years ago, I got a little money, just over two thousand, and that caused fights back then, from what I remember, it was because my older brother didn’t get everything he wanted, again the self entitlement and jealousy, and the fact I spent more on a close friend than on my family, my older brother an I didn’t speak for months after that, I guess that’s why I feel so much pressure this time

Back then I was only about nineteen, an I wasted the money an regretted it, but I was young, now at twenty eight, I feel like I’m more responsible, and will put this money to better use, its more money than I’ve ever had, and ever will

I sometimes wonder how a normal family would have taken the news, and wonder will my brothers ever change, I don’t want to constantly be surrounded by this life of chaos, I’ve had it my whole life, i live it everyday

Just yesterday, they both went drinking, again, and ended up out of town at some mans house, a man my younger brother was in prison with, they all got into a fight, an now my older brother has a broken nose, and my younger brother has a fractured eye socket, its completely crazy, I just want a normal life, is that too much to ask for?

People/strangers, that get to know me, almost always say how different I am compared to my brothers, its like we aren’t even related, because I’m so set apart from them, quieter maybe, though I’m always told how nice I am, an that I’m so polite, which I like because I try to be, they are so similar, like twins almost, I don’t know why I’m so different, middle child perhaps….

Its my younger brothers birthday next week, and he’s already planned a night out, an is taking a group of people to a club, drinking naturally, of course I’m invited, and I know all the people who are going, but I also know what a night out with them all is like, fun perhaps, but there are way too many down sides, I don’t like things getting too out of control around me, and feeling unsafe, its too unpredictable

Though there is another side to me, which I’ve posted about, you may know him as tylar, its not a split personality, but its like I become a completely different person, tylar is more a name I’ve given to a set of traits that aren’t in my personality, that don’t feel natural I guess, Its when i feel the cross over between the two, its a part of me I don’t like, because its so uncontrollable, its the crazy dark side of me, I don’t know how its separate from me, but it is, or feels that way, its like allowing a stranger to borrow your body

I don’t know how the coming days will play out, but for now I plan to make big changes for myself, I want out, out of this bubble I’m surrounded by, I can’t run from myself though, but only by making changes in my own life will anything be possible

since writing this, I’ve seen how bad my brothers faces look, imagine a boxers face, who was badly beaten, so his birthday is cancelled for now, more drama! You should know that by now, never a dull moment!