When Will It Be My Turn

Its been hard for me the last few days, I caught the flu, i feel awful, an I’ve been stuck in the house for over three days, I know its only the flu, but I’m tired, an every time I try to do something, I get hot and drained very quick, its not nice having no energy

Then there’s the annoying stuff, sore muscles, runny stuffed nose, endless coughing, I’m half deaf an my ears won’t pop, I purposely don’t use ‘lol’ on my blog, but insert it where you feel it should be

Its been four days, an not one person has asked how I’m feeling, or even offered to buy me something as stupid as a lucazade, in my misery these things have been playing more on my mind, it didn’t help that everyone else was out having fun, while I was home alone

Though I’m not really the type to covet attention anymore, when I was younger perhaps, but misery loves company right??

So I told my mum today, albeit in a passive aggressive way ‘I’m feeling much better today, even though no one bothered to ask’ she just replied that so much has been going on lately

By that she means my brothers, who of course were drinking again yesterday, an its exactly what I was thinking before all this, that I’m always in their shadow, its always about the next thing they have done, what trouble they’ve now found themselves in etc

A few days ago, I told my mum that I was planning to move out soon, to cut a long story short for new readers, I grew up in foster-care, and only moved home at seventeen, so I’ve been making up for lost time, but now at twenty eight, I feel its time for me to go, it feels like I already live here alone as it is, to me, there’s my mum an step-dad, an then there’s me

Mum said that she’s not ready for me to leave yet, that she likes having me at home, an I can stay as long as I like, which is nice, but I can’t help feel its for selfish reasons, one being that she’d be alone all day with my step-dad being at work, I feel like a fixture here, I’m miserable, and to avoid fights, I say nothing

Mum an I are quite close, closer than anyone else in our immediate family, and we have only had one fight in eleven years, an that was for something stupid while we were drunk one christmas, for the record, she started it

I’m happy though, because in a rare occurrence, I know this all comes from real life situations, and not from my illness, for example, depression making it worse, so I’m trying to stay positive, this flu will pass, focus on me, stick to the plans I’ve made, straight road ahead, keep going, there’s crumbling at the edges, but its under control


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