Getting Lost In Ourselves

I wrote before, about how I never let myself imagine a future, a life, or anything more than what I have now, when I do allow myself too, I get this strange feeling, like a happiness, yet its like I’m imaging the life of someone else, sometimes I can’t see beyond next week, like ‘future’ is something of dreams

I feel as though life with mental illness, is like a sort of amnesia, we get lost in ourselves, it keeps us trapped in the here an now, something that consumes your mind can take away so much, make things hazy, so much time is spent wishing for a better day, that so many others pass us by in the meantime

When things stay the same for so long, we don’t grow as people, we limit ourselves in life, staying behind, as others move on without us, while we are left with regrets

I go through these transitions sometimes, I’ve just never taken a chance, a real risk, an stepped out from behind my families shadow, real change is more than just words, an although I’m nervous an a little scared, I’m ready for the next chapter in my life now, where I’m the lead in my own story

Moving on to reality, an the present, I finally saw my financial adviser, who told me I get to keep my awarded money, as long as I have a trustee account, its a loop-hole in the law, which even he’s surprised hasn’t been closed yet, so I was worrying about nothing, though I didn’t have all the facts, it just seemed to good to be true

I’ll have the money in about three weeks, though I don’t think its fair that I have to pay him £750 just to set up the trustee account for me, I have no choice really

Right now, I’m sort of at a stand still, so I’m looking forward to the days ahead

Over the past week, the family drama continued, my brothers were drinking again, I know many people live for the weekend, but with my brothers there is always drama, this time my older brother was no trouble, is was my younger brother who had to cause problems

The other day, he landed to our house at half four in the morning, waking us all up looking to be let in, banging the door an roaring ‘mum’ outside, I would have ignored him, but no, he was let in, he was falling on the stairs an falling into my mums bedroom tv, when asked why he came at that time, ‘because I love you’ is all I heard, my step-dad had to get up in another two hours for work, the lack of respect just makes me angry

Later he was phoning mum, saying he was suicidal, and was going to cut himself, supposedly he had a knife to his throat, an is now left with a slight mark, but I know it was more for attention, he can’t handle alcohol, an god knows what else he was on

He abuses the medication he gets, that being diazepam an tablets for nerve damage, opening the caps an sniffing whatever is inside, at times he walks around like a zombie, slurring his words, lately my aunt has started taking his medication an hiding it, only giving him what he’s allowed

Its the stress they cause our mum, our aunt, all of us really, they can’t see beyond themselves, an how they feel, I wish they could see it from the other side

They bring trouble on themselves and us, only friday night, my aunt had a bottle thrown at her living room window, luckily it didn’t break, the police didn’t do a thing, they said as it had been raining, they couldn’t take the bottle as evidence

We can’t change other people, or help them for that matter, if they don’t want to, if they are happy with their lives, an don’t want to listen, there’s not much you can do, both my brothers have a problem, any excuse an they drink, ‘being young’ as my younger brother says, isn’t a good enough one, we have to put up with it, we are the ones who suffer

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Something Thats Just Mine

I think about my past, and I think about the present, and all the in between, an I realise I’ve never had a moment where I’ve been truly happy, I’ve come really close a few times, but nothing that lasted, I’ve had some amazing experiences yet I still feel unfulfilled, there’s defiantly a void there

I realise that I hold on tight to the good times, the memory, maybe trying to recreate past moments that may turn out similar, but will never be the same, I need to realise that things that happened in the past, are exactly that, the past, I can create new moments, new memories, moving on is hard, but that’s what I need to do, I need to let go

Lately, I’m still feeling ok I guess, I’m hanging in there, I am feeling a lot of different emotions though, mainly a sadness that shadows me, I think it stems from over thinking, about others being able to pick up and move on easier than I can, I feel like the one left behind, i just don’t feel like luck is on my side, like I’m cursed, I’m also dreaming about my past a lot, but with everything going on with me, I’d say that’s to be expected

I’m coming closer to a decision about the money I’ve been awarded, if I have to sign off of benefits (ESA) to truly enjoy it, then that’s the risk I have to take, I’ve never had anything that’s been just mine, my childhood was taken from me, an I’ve spent ten years fighting this case, I’ve earned this moment, a moment I probably won’t ever have again

Even though I have this money, i think I’m still entitled to disability allowance, as it isn’t means tested, that means you can work while receiving it, you can have savings an assets, this has helped me come to a decision a little easier, I never wanted to have to decide between the two, it’d be like a fish jumping from one net, only to land in another

As I won my case, all the money I’ve ever received from disability has been paid back, that makes me feel good, but I’m scared, its a big decision, for me at least, and with the money comes my family, we both know what I mean by now

Speaking of family, what would my life be without some of their drama yet again, I hope I make sense explaining this mess

My brothers were drinking a few days ago, by now that should be no surprise to you, I don’t join in anymore, I used to, as an escape from my life, if only for a little while, but I realised, that wasn’t something I wanted in my life anymore, that things are messed up enough for me without going out and seeking more than what I can handle

My older brothers girlfriend as you know had their baby, and had to move back home with her parents, I’ve explained all that before, anyway she gets two nights a week to do her own thing while her mum watches the baby for her, she and her parents from what I’ve heard don’t get on anymore

She came to visit my brother, and of course she was drinking also, she has to be home for eleven, when she did get back home, her dad started to film her on his phone, the state she was in etc, an was threatening to show it to social services, they had a fight, she left and came back to my brother

My younger brother, had brought over a girl he met on the internet, this was their first time meeting, remember he did the same thing on christmas day with another girl, the girls he meets are always a little nutty, from what I was told she’s only twenty three, an she’s already had two kids that are no longer with her, an she lives in a hostel, so you can tell she’s not all there, this girl ended up staying with him for another three days

Saying that, my brother has already moved on to the next girl, does that sound normal to you

As you also know both my brothers live with my aunt, its her I feel sorry for, having to put up with all this

Anyway, later my brothers the girlfriend, and the internet girl decided to go to a party out of town, but my brothers girlfriend being drunk was speeding, coming to a round-about, the breaks didn’t work and the car hit one of those little islands in the middle of the road, started spinning in circles, hit the round-about, and the axle broke

Being drunk, my older brother and his girlfriend left the car an threw away the keys, which doesn’t make sense, but then again they were drunk, so when the police came to the car, they found my younger brother and the internet girl sitting listening to music, crazy

I think the story the police got was that, my brothers girlfriend went to find help, since then her insurance has paid for the car being toed, and paid her a thousand pound, most importantly, no one was hurt, so I guess it all worked out, luckily!

I don’t condone any of it, I’m just glad I wasn’t there, or in any way involved

A Run Of Bad Luck

Its a shame, in life when things finally seem to be going your way, then little things begin to creep in to bring you down again, most people would chalk these little things up to, ‘that’s life’ me, I call it a run of bad luck, i find myself saying lately, ‘give me a break!

So I’m finally over my flu, though I’m still stuck with the cough, which is really annoying, I sound like an old 40 a day smoker, I was eating a sweet the other day an I broke a tooth, the dentist, of course can’t see me for a week, then I was only moving my step dads coat out of the way, an there just happened to be a wasp in the neck line, an I got stung, nothing serious maybe, but its relentless

On a more serious note, the money I was awarded on my claim, I’ve found out i can’t touch, so I’m left confused as what to do now

As I’m on benefits, the money has to go into a trust fund, I have to see a man next week who will explain everything to me, but from what I understand, it goes into a trust, so I don’t lose my benefit, which then means I will have to request money from the trustees, who will decide whether what I want is necessary in regards to my illness, and only then will that amount be released to me

Again I won’t know everything until I see this man, but I think I read that if I appoint a trustee, say my mum, an give her full control over the account, she would be spending the money on my behalf, an so the money is overlooked by the government, its something I’m clinging to

I feel so much pressure, I promised my family money, but giving lump sums away is seen as fraud, as it appears you’re trying to get rid of the money, so I won’t be able to do that now, I’m sure they won’t be too happy about it, the other choice is to sign off benefits, and then I get the money free an clear, this is where it gets complicated for me, an i will have to explain how I feel without sounding bad

Benefits have always been a safety net for me, knowing I’m taken care of, while getting better, or well enough at least to someday hopefully rejoin the real world again, some people might think its easy to claim benefit, maybe for some it is, but for me, the medical appointments, and the constant proving to these people over an over again that you’re let’s say ill enough, takes its toll, I only just got my disability allowance awarded again in may, the anxiety an panic it caused me waiting for their decision was horrible

So this is where I may come off as wrong, I won the money for years of childhood neglect and abuse, the claim case alone took ten years to win, to sign off benefits would mean that my awarded money would be my sole income, for me, having to live on the money kind of defeats its purpose, an would just complicate my life even more in the long run, don’t I deserve to enjoy it, for what I went through? because I’m ill, its like I’m being punished

When the money is gone, I’d have to somehow prove that its been spent, and then go through the process all over again, proving myself to get my benefits back, I know you have to wait at least six months before claiming again, that’s if I’m even allowed to, so now I’m stuck with maybe either being told how and when I can spend the money, or having the money and living off it, am I wrong for thinking this way? The whole thing feels wrong to me

I feel like I’ve been strung along by my solicitor, who never told me about any of this, I had to look it up myself online, I feel like I’ve been used, like I’ve been nothing but a meal ticket, I feel like I’ve been digging myself a hole for the last ten years

In ten years I was never really asked how I was in regards to my illness, when I couldn’t make appointments as I wasn’t feeling well, I had to deal with my solicitors secretaries passive aggressive forms of blackmail, telling me things like, if I was seen as not taking the case seriously, the case could be thrown out

For some it might seem like an easy choice, but it isn’t, for me, its my life

If anyone reading this has advice, or knows anything about this, or legal matters, I’d love to hear from you…