Something Thats Just Mine

I think about my past, and I think about the present, and all the in between, an I realise I’ve never had a moment where I’ve been truly happy, I’ve come really close a few times, but nothing that lasted, I’ve had some amazing experiences yet I still feel unfulfilled, there’s defiantly a void there

I realise that I hold on tight to the good times, the memory, maybe trying to recreate past moments that may turn out similar, but will never be the same, I need to realise that things that happened in the past, are exactly that, the past, I can create new moments, new memories, moving on is hard, but that’s what I need to do, I need to let go

Lately, I’m still feeling ok I guess, I’m hanging in there, I am feeling a lot of different emotions though, mainly a sadness that shadows me, I think it stems from over thinking, about others being able to pick up and move on easier than I can, I feel like the one left behind, i just don’t feel like luck is on my side, like I’m cursed, I’m also dreaming about my past a lot, but with everything going on with me, I’d say that’s to be expected

I’m coming closer to a decision about the money I’ve been awarded, if I have to sign off of benefits (ESA) to truly enjoy it, then that’s the risk I have to take, I’ve never had anything that’s been just mine, my childhood was taken from me, an I’ve spent ten years fighting this case, I’ve earned this moment, a moment I probably won’t ever have again

Even though I have this money, i think I’m still entitled to disability allowance, as it isn’t means tested, that means you can work while receiving it, you can have savings an assets, this has helped me come to a decision a little easier, I never wanted to have to decide between the two, it’d be like a fish jumping from one net, only to land in another

As I won my case, all the money I’ve ever received from disability has been paid back, that makes me feel good, but I’m scared, its a big decision, for me at least, and with the money comes my family, we both know what I mean by now

Speaking of family, what would my life be without some of their drama yet again, I hope I make sense explaining this mess

My brothers were drinking a few days ago, by now that should be no surprise to you, I don’t join in anymore, I used to, as an escape from my life, if only for a little while, but I realised, that wasn’t something I wanted in my life anymore, that things are messed up enough for me without going out and seeking more than what I can handle

My older brothers girlfriend as you know had their baby, and had to move back home with her parents, I’ve explained all that before, anyway she gets two nights a week to do her own thing while her mum watches the baby for her, she and her parents from what I’ve heard don’t get on anymore

She came to visit my brother, and of course she was drinking also, she has to be home for eleven, when she did get back home, her dad started to film her on his phone, the state she was in etc, an was threatening to show it to social services, they had a fight, she left and came back to my brother

My younger brother, had brought over a girl he met on the internet, this was their first time meeting, remember he did the same thing on christmas day with another girl, the girls he meets are always a little nutty, from what I was told she’s only twenty three, an she’s already had two kids that are no longer with her, an she lives in a hostel, so you can tell she’s not all there, this girl ended up staying with him for another three days

Saying that, my brother has already moved on to the next girl, does that sound normal to you

As you also know both my brothers live with my aunt, its her I feel sorry for, having to put up with all this

Anyway, later my brothers the girlfriend, and the internet girl decided to go to a party out of town, but my brothers girlfriend being drunk was speeding, coming to a round-about, the breaks didn’t work and the car hit one of those little islands in the middle of the road, started spinning in circles, hit the round-about, and the axle broke

Being drunk, my older brother and his girlfriend left the car an threw away the keys, which doesn’t make sense, but then again they were drunk, so when the police came to the car, they found my younger brother and the internet girl sitting listening to music, crazy

I think the story the police got was that, my brothers girlfriend went to find help, since then her insurance has paid for the car being toed, and paid her a thousand pound, most importantly, no one was hurt, so I guess it all worked out, luckily!

I don’t condone any of it, I’m just glad I wasn’t there, or in any way involved

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3 responses to “Something Thats Just Mine

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