Getting Lost In Ourselves

I wrote before, about how I never let myself imagine a future, a life, or anything more than what I have now, when I do allow myself too, I get this strange feeling, like a happiness, yet its like I’m imaging the life of someone else, sometimes I can’t see beyond next week, like ‘future’ is something of dreams

I feel as though life with mental illness, is like a sort of amnesia, we get lost in ourselves, it keeps us trapped in the here an now, something that consumes your mind can take away so much, make things hazy, so much time is spent wishing for a better day, that so many others pass us by in the meantime

When things stay the same for so long, we don’t grow as people, we limit ourselves in life, staying behind, as others move on without us, while we are left with regrets

I go through these transitions sometimes, I’ve just never taken a chance, a real risk, an stepped out from behind my families shadow, real change is more than just words, an although I’m nervous an a little scared, I’m ready for the next chapter in my life now, where I’m the lead in my own story

Moving on to reality, an the present, I finally saw my financial adviser, who told me I get to keep my awarded money, as long as I have a trustee account, its a loop-hole in the law, which even he’s surprised hasn’t been closed yet, so I was worrying about nothing, though I didn’t have all the facts, it just seemed to good to be true

I’ll have the money in about three weeks, though I don’t think its fair that I have to pay him £750 just to set up the trustee account for me, I have no choice really

Right now, I’m sort of at a stand still, so I’m looking forward to the days ahead

Over the past week, the family drama continued, my brothers were drinking again, I know many people live for the weekend, but with my brothers there is always drama, this time my older brother was no trouble, is was my younger brother who had to cause problems

The other day, he landed to our house at half four in the morning, waking us all up looking to be let in, banging the door an roaring ‘mum’ outside, I would have ignored him, but no, he was let in, he was falling on the stairs an falling into my mums bedroom tv, when asked why he came at that time, ‘because I love you’ is all I heard, my step-dad had to get up in another two hours for work, the lack of respect just makes me angry

Later he was phoning mum, saying he was suicidal, and was going to cut himself, supposedly he had a knife to his throat, an is now left with a slight mark, but I know it was more for attention, he can’t handle alcohol, an god knows what else he was on

He abuses the medication he gets, that being diazepam an tablets for nerve damage, opening the caps an sniffing whatever is inside, at times he walks around like a zombie, slurring his words, lately my aunt has started taking his medication an hiding it, only giving him what he’s allowed

Its the stress they cause our mum, our aunt, all of us really, they can’t see beyond themselves, an how they feel, I wish they could see it from the other side

They bring trouble on themselves and us, only friday night, my aunt had a bottle thrown at her living room window, luckily it didn’t break, the police didn’t do a thing, they said as it had been raining, they couldn’t take the bottle as evidence

We can’t change other people, or help them for that matter, if they don’t want to, if they are happy with their lives, an don’t want to listen, there’s not much you can do, both my brothers have a problem, any excuse an they drink, ‘being young’ as my younger brother says, isn’t a good enough one, we have to put up with it, we are the ones who suffer


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